You can't save me, I'm damaged goods.

Help

Two months later

Two months. Two months since Jungkook and I had our last conversation. Two months since I could think about him without being sad. Two months since I had seen even a shred of kindness. We didn't speak or look at each other. The only time we had any kind of interaction was when it was related to work. Only a small "table four wants the check" or "watch the counter". I answered hesitant and quiet, and he answered cold and simple.

At first, I was just confused. Why did he suddenly want to distance himself? What had I done? There was no clear answer, and our conversation after Yoongi's birthday was just a blurry memory, clouded by alcohol. As the confusion slowly blew away, a sort of 'non-existing' feeling came with it. Every second passed as if the world around me was a movie I was watching but couldn't participate in, and I was trying to look back at the last day, or even the past hour, it seemed as if I had been drunk. Like every memory I saw was covered by some sort of cover.

I was miserable...

I hadn't been happy before Jungkook, and he had only fully been in my life for a couple of weeks, but the hole he left behind consumed me. It enveloped me and made sure there was no escape. In the day I was in a trance, not living... just... not dying. Surviving? That wasn't right either. Surviving was something you did when you were motivated to stay alive. When you decided to keep on going against all odds. I wasn't surviving, and the idea of death was almost welcoming. It wasn't death, particularly, that I was striving after. It was just a release of the constant pain.

I don't know how long I can continue like this.

The nights were no better. You'd think sleep would be a temporary solution, but sleep was just a way to dig through your brain and find every secret, hiding in every corner. Every night, if I even managed to sleep, I would be haunted by constant nightmares. It was always the same.

I was stumbling around in an unknown place. A thick wall of fog was surrounding me. It was almost thick enough to cut through with a knife. It might seem claustrophobic, but it wasn't. If anything, it was too open. I was standing in a big square, no matter where you looked there was only white, dead air. It was closing me off from the rest of the world, denying access to any life except mine. As I walked around, I kept shouting names. I didn't pay much attention to who I was shouting for, but I recognized some. "Namjoon! Hoseok! Yoongi! Jin!.... TAE!" I had shouted for Jungkook a couple of times, in the beginning, but some part in me knew that he would never answer. Hours would pass, they felt like days. Weeks. Years. But I would never find anyone. There was never any change in my surroundings. It was never-ending.....

I seemed to know that I was dreaming, but I couldn't force myself to wake up. Maybe I would sleep forever if I didn't end up waking myself up from my screaming. It wasn't on purpose, I even tried to make sure it didn't happen, but I would always wake up screaming with a sore throat. At this point the taste of blood in my throat was permanent.

_______________________________

They kept bugging me to go outside. Tae. Jin. Even Yoongi. I had never seen him care so much. But their attempts were futile. "You should try to feel the sun for a bit," they said. "Come join us for a movie," they kept asking me. I didn't catch which one they were watching. Some weekends, at least I think it was at the weekends, they would come to my house, make popcorn and put on a random movie. I always ended sleeping through it. I woke up screaming once, and after that, they stopped with those nights. They switched in sleeping over too. Usually Tae or Jin and Namjoon. The screaming would wake them up too, and they tried to calm me down, but there was nothing for them to do. I hated seeing them like this, and I wanted to answer their questions, desperately. But I couldn't force my mouth to open, my eyes to focus on their faces, my ears to focus on at least one voice.