You can't save me, I'm damaged goods.

Outside

When I woke up I could still feel the tears running down my cheeks. The Tv was still on, and the same drama was playing. It looked like the couple had just shared their first kiss. I could feel new tears collecting in the corner of my eye.

Suddenly the room felt suffocating. It was as if the walls were closing in on me and I couldn't breathe. I hadn't noticed the hollow feeling in my chest, but now it was punching through me twice as hard. The breath hitched in my throat, and I felt my lungs screaming for air. Even when this hurt like hell, I couldn't focus on it as much as I focused on the dream. It was so lovely. I wanted it so much, and I knew I'd never get it.

I curled up into a little ball, lying on my side, while I waited for the panic to pass. For the second time today I started going through my list. I'm not dying. I'm not dreaming. Nothing here will hurt me. This will pass. There's nothing to be afraid of. You know this isn't real. Just keep breathing. The list went on and on. I had never really reached the end. That was comforting and boring. Could I go forever just listing things to calm myself down? Or did I rely on my panic attacks being short, because I had already reached the end without knowing? I couldn't answer any of the questions. I couldn't really understand them either.

This time, the panic didn't stop. The feeling of suffocation didn't go away. It still felt like I was dying. I had to get out.

"Go!" my mind screamed at me. "Get out". I wanted to argue because I checked the time and it was just past two in the night, but my mind wasn't allowing an argument. So I stood up, grabbed my jacket, and ran outside.

The feeling of getting outside was so good I let out a loud laugh, before silencing myself with my hand. It truly was like dropping a heavy amount of weight off my shoulders.
I just stood there in the street, closing my eyes and turned my face towards the sky. If anyone saw me they would probably think I was crazy. After a while, I could feel small drops of rain caressing my cheeks, my forehead, and my lips. Normally, I would despise the rain. Even though it gave me an excuse to just lay on my bed and do nothing, it made the world look sad. When it rained it meant it was too cloudy for the sun to shine, and that would always make me feel sadder.

Now I had nothing against it. I welcomed it even. When I felt the rain I opened my eyes and turned to my right. The street was dark, and there were no cars driving. Not really strange considering how late it was. Suddenly, I started walking. I don't know why or where I was walking too, but I didn't stop. Small shops, and tiny cafes past me on both sides, however, I paid them no attention

I have no idea how long I was walking for, and I didn't really know where I was either. I just kept walking. The rain had completely stopped now, but I started to feel cold, even with my jacket wrapped protectively around me. Still, I kept walking.

It was almost therapeutic. My feet kept to the same rhythm and my breath went in and out, not slow, but not particularly fast either. As I walked, I figured that maybe this was something I should do more often. Just to get out, and feel the air on my face. It felt nice enough, and I wouldn't really lose much sleep since it was already rare that I slept more than a few hours at night.

At this point, I had already forgotten about the past day. I didn't think about him or my dream. I didn't really think a lot about anything. Until I saw him walking in the street.

❤️❤️❤️

Sorry for taking so long, but my weekend was crazy!

Anyways hope yo I like the new chapter