You can't save me, I'm damaged goods.

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⚠️Warning! This chapter contains talk about suicide, so if you're sensitive I suggest you don't read it⚠️

The aura in the room had changed drastically. Earlier, it was calm and silent, but also a little bit uncomfortable. That was normal because I never felt truly comfortable. There were always these small thoughts buzzing in my head. Wondering if people were thinking of me, or looking at me. So, even though I was never fully comfortable, my house was the place where I could be most like myself. It was my safe haven, a break from the tiring society. Now, I'm sure that sounded dramatic, but I don't know how else to describe it.

Earlier it had been lighter, the sun creeping in the room in the cracks of the blinds, refusing to let you drown in the dark. Now there was no sun. It makes sense, considering it was past one at night.

I didn't want to be alone, but I knew I couldn't avoid it. Sure, Tae would always be there for me, but he also needed to live his own life, meaning he couldn't be around me 24/7.

So I was sitting in my room, in the dark, refusing to sleep, because I didn't want the nightmares that I knew would come. It was a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. If I refused to sleep, I would regret it later, and sleep wasn't something I could delay forever. I knew all of this, but I couldn't force my body to relax, my breath to slow, or my heart to calm down.

This was not how I expected the day to go. Physically, I felt awful, my body exhausted, covered in sweat and shaking, but my mind wasn't doing any better. It was a mess. The normal anxiety, but also the guilt after realizing I ruined Yoongi's birthday...

If I told Tae or any of them about this, they would deny it, claiming I hadn't ruined anything, but I knew that they would be lying. If it wasn't for me we would all be at Yoongi's place, maybe sleeping in one big hurdle on the bed or the floor, all of us passing out while being completely wasted. It would have been great, something to laugh about the day after, and for many years after. But we couldn't do that. Because of me.

I really didn't understand why they wanted to be friends with me anyway. There was nothing special about me, I was never the one who cheered others up, and no one would ever describe me as the life of the party. I wouldn't have been friends with me if I were them. I ruined everything around me. I bet Tae is sick of helping me, and the others are sick of asking me out. They were the absolute best parts of my life. The only reason why I kept going really. I could always count on them, but could they count on me? Could I be there for them when they needed me, regardless of how I felt? Maybe I should just go away, and then they would be rid of me.

Time continued to move, but I couldn't move with it. I was locked in a position, sitting on the bed, hugging a pillow, with these thoughts running through my head. I could get up right now, go to the bathroom and find some pills, or maybe a razor, and then it would be over. Boom, done, dead.

Dead. A strange concept. Something everyone had to experience but never got to share. It wasn't something you could rant about or even talk about, because you never knew how it felt until it happened, and then you were dead. I didn't believe in an afterlife. After suffering through this one, I had decided a long time ago that I had had enough, and if there was a god, he couldn't possibly be that cruel.

These words gave me some energy, and I could feel my legs again. These words coursing through my mind led me to stand up. It was as if my legs had a life of their own, and they started to lead me to the bathroom. I knew why, and I didn't stop. I wanted this. Or I thought I did. What I really wanted, was a break. A break from the pain. The agony. The agony of living, breathing, and feeling. I couldn't deal with it. I wouldn't. And for the first time in a long time, I felt a spark. A spark of life, hidden somewhere in my chest.