Homestuck! MsPARP Adventures!

Apple Juice??

*•*•*•*I'm karkat*•*•*•*

This is a script style, not safe for work chat.
turntechGodhead [TG] joined chat. ~~ 2 ~~
carcinoGeneticist [CG] joined chat. ~~ 1 ~~
CG: STRIDER YOU INCOMPETENT DOUCHE!
CG: YOU LEFT YOUR FUCKING APPLE JUICE IN MY HIVE.
TG: alright man what are you pissing off aboit now
TG: whatd i do this time
TG: OH SHIT
TG: MY BABIES
CG: YEAH, "OH SHIT" IS RIGHT.
TG: oh wait
CG: WHAT
TG: is it one bottle and did you find it in your closet?
CG: UH... YES?
TG: old habit
TG: toss that shit out
TG: do not ask questions
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
TG: do not drink it
TG: and do not give it to john
CG: IM NOT GOING TO DRINK IT BUT NOW I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU DONT WANT ME TO DRINK IT...
CG: I WASN'T GOING TO DO THAT EITHER... WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??
TG: its an old habit dint worry
TG: shhhh only dreams now
CG: WHAT KIND OF OLD HABIT??
CG: NO IM NOT GOIN TO FUCKING SLEEP YOU IDIOT
TG: im gonna pull up a list of nicknames you hate
CG: ILL FUCKING PUNCH YOUR THROAT.
TG: then dont ask
TG: this is not up for discussion about the apple juice
TG: toss it in the
CG: NO. I NEED TO KNOW NOW. SEE, IF YOU HADN'T TOLD ME NOT TO ASK I PROBABLY WOULDNT HAVE BUT SINCE YOU DID, I HAVE TO, IT'S SIMPLE LOIC REALLY.
TG: fuck i forgot your alien trash word
TG: load gaper?
TG: no thats shitter
CG: WHAT THE FUCK
TG: close enough
CG: NO JUST TELL ME
CG: AND THEN ILL GET RID OF IT
TG: im gonna pull up the list
TG: ill do it
CG: AND WE WONT HAVE TO TALK ABOUT APPLE JUICE, PUNCHING PEOPLE IN THE THROAT, OR FUCKING NICKNAMES.
CG: DO NOT!
TG: GONNA DO IT
CG: I WILL PERSONALLY FLING YOU INTO THE STRATOSPHERE!
TG: whats the first one here
TG: oh god i can feel the flushed cat girl in this one
TG: karkitty
TG: oh dear god i just cringed
CG: I WILL SHOVE THIS ENTIRE BOTTLE OF APPLE JUICE DOWN YOUR NUTRIENT CHUTE.
CG: DO NOT EVEN YOU FUCKING IDIOT
CG: I FUCKING HATE YOU AND STUPID NICKNAMES
TG: its not supposed to go back in
TG: whats next
CG: WHAT???
TG: carcrab
TG: karkrab?
CG: YOU FUCKING KNUCKLESPONGE
TG: KRABCAK---ES
TG: did i do it right
CG: I WILL COME OVER AND KNOCK YOUR TEETH IN!!!
CG: I WILL DRINK ALL OF YOUR APPLE JUICE YOU BULGELICKER!
TG: karkat
TG: karkat no
TG: that is NOT apple juice
CG: SEE? THAT'S MY NAME.
CG: WAIT.
CG: WHAT?
CG: WHAT IS IT THEN?
TG: KARKLES
CG: DO NOT!
CG: DAVE!
TG: I CAN HEAR THE CACKLE THAT FOLLOWS IT
CG: DID YOU URINATE IN THIS BOTTLE?!?!??!?!?
TG: SHORTY MCSTUBB OR WHATEVER CHILL FISH LADY CALLS YOU
CG: DID
CG: YOU
CG: FUCKING
TG: what even is her name
CG: DAVE!
TG: SHORTY
CG: DID YOU FUCKING URINATE IN THIS??
TG: KARKALICIOUS
TG: DEFINITION
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M NOT *THAT* SHORT!!
TG: MAKES THOSE SHIPPERS CRAZY
CG: NO
CG: NOOOOOO
TG: NEPETA and dave ALWAYS SQUEALING CUTSEY PET NAMES LIKE KARKITTY
CG: YOU WILL NOT START WITH THAT FUCKING SONG *AGAIN*
CG: THAT'S NOT EVEN HOWIT GOES YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK!
TG: YOURE THE K TO THE A R K THE A THE T
CG: AND THE MAJORITY OF PAIRINGS HAVE BETTER. INCLUDE. ME!
TG: AND THE MAJORITY OF PAIRINGS HAD BETTER INCLUDE im lost in my own pronoun inconsistency
TG: HES KARKALICIOUS
CG: SO DELICIOUS
TG: NO HE DONT DO KISMESIS
TG: AND IF YOU READ ANY FANFICS ALL THAT SHIT IS FICTITIOUS
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT?? IM FUCKING DONE! YOU DRAGGED ME INTO THIS FUCKING SONG SO I HAVE TO DRAG MYSELF OUT TO REMIND MYSELF OF THE MATTER AT HAND. DID. YOU. PEE. IN. THIS. BOTTLE???
CG: I AM HOLDING THE BOTTLE IN MY HAND.
CG: I WILL DRINK THIS.
TG: KARKAT
CG: OR GIVE IT TO JOHN.
TG: NO
TG: NO KNONONO
TG: HE WIPL WREAK HAVIC
CG: WHAT IS IN THIS BOTTLE??
TG: KARKAT MO
CG: WHAT??
CG: WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THIS???
TG: NOTHING
TG: YOU WERE TAKING TOO LONG IN THE BATHROOM OKAY
CG: IM GUESSING THIS IS ONE OF THREE THINGS. EITHER 1. APPLE JUICE 2. PEE OR 3. SOLLUX'S GENETIC MATERIALS
CG: WHAT
CG: DAVE
CG: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?????
TG: yes karkat i shagged sollux
TG: thats now i got the bottle
TG: yup
TG: totally
CG: AUGH!!
TG: drink it i dare you
CG: YOURE DISGUSTING
TG: i know
CG: YOU PAILED IN *MY* HIVE??????
CG: THATS SICK
CG: YOURE SICK
TG: exhibitionism
CG: SOLLUX IS SICK
TG: yeah he cant walk straight
CG: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS BOTTLE NOW???
TG: you think im serious and thats hilarious
CG: ITS ON MY FLOOR
TG: DRINK IT I DARE YOU
CG: WHAT
CG: YOU ARENT SERIOUS?
TG: where ever did you get that from
CG: I DONT KNOW??? I JUST ASSUMED THAT THE REASON YOU DIDNT WANT ME TO DRINK IT WAS BECAUSE IT WAS EMBARRASSING
CG: OR SPECIAL TO YOU
CG: BUT THAT WOULD BE DISGUSTING
CG: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT??
TG: believe me karkat i dont
CG: GOOD. NOW TELL ME WHY I CANT DRINK THIS?
TG: cause i shagged sollux in your house
TG: yup
TG: true story
CG: I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE JOKING!!!!!!!!
TG: I AM
CG: WHAT IS REAL ANYMORE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
TG: its piss
CG: STOP LYING! YOURE MESSING ME UP!!
CG: ...
TG: alright man
CG: ...DAVE...
TG: what is the truth karkat
CG: ...DID YOU PEE IN A BOTTLE... AND LEAVE SAID BOTTLE IN MY CLOSET..?
TG: you tell me
CG: I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE SURE YOU DRINK THIS WHOLE BOTTLE IF YOU DONT TELL ME.
TG: jokes on you IT IS APPLE JUICE
CG: GOOD.
TG: so dump it out now
CG: I WAS GOING TO DRINK IT??
TG: NO
TG: ITS MINE
CG: IF ITS APPLE JUICE THEN WHY CANT I DRINK IT?
CG: YOU JUST WANTED ME TO THROW IT OUT!
TG: BECAUSE ITS MINE YOU CANT HAVE IT
CG: BUT YOU SAID TO THROW IT OUT! YOU DIDNT WANT IT!
CG: IT'S FAIR GAME NOW!
TG: NO IT IS NOT
CG: IT'S MINE. IT WAS IN MY CLOSE.
CG: CLOSET*
TG: CHECK THE EXPIRATION DATE
TG: desperation date
CG: ITS PERFECTLY FINE! YOU JUST DONT WANT ME TO DRINK IT!
CG: ARE YOU OKAY??
TG: execution date
TG: i am going to die
TG: i am dying
CG: WHAT?!??!?
TG: i am dead
CG: NO WHAT
TG: goodbye karkat
CG: NO YOU ARENT
CG: NO
TG: live on in my menory
TG: and
CG: FUCKING DAMMIT COME BACK HERE
TG: for me
TG: do what i asked you tooooooo
CG: YOU IDIOT STOP
CG: DAVE?
CG: DAVE??
CG: DAVE YOU FUCKING NOOKSNIFFER STOP FUCKING AROUND.
CG: IM WARNING YOU.
CG: ILL DRINK THIS FUCKING JUICE.
CG: ITS HAPPENING
CG: I OPENED THE BOTTLE
CG: THE BOTTLE IS OPEN
CG: THE LID IS IN MY HAND
CG: IE NO LONGER ON THE BOTTLE
CG: NOW IT IS ON MY DESK
CG: THE BOTTLE IS GETTING CLOSER TO MY MOUTH
CG: ITS ALMOST THERE
CG: ITS REALLY CLOSE NOW.
CG: MY LIPS ARE ALMOST TOUCHING THE BOTTLE.
CG: DAVE IF THIS IS FUCKING PEE IM GOING TO MURDER YOU.
CG: MY LIPS ARE ON THE BOTTLE DAVE
CG: IT'S NOW OR NEVER BUDDY
CG: ILL FUCKING HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM, IN FACT, NOT AN IDIOT AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ACTUALY DEAD.
CG: YOU BETTER NOT BE
TG: -there is no response from the other side.-
CG: OR ILL HAVE TO KILL YOU
CG: DAVE
CG: I AM GOING TO DRINK THIS APPLE JUICE
CG: OR PEE
CG: OR WHATEVER IT IS
CG: IF ITS PEE IM NEVER GOING TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.
CG: DAVE?
CG: OH COME ON
CG: DAVE!
CG: DAVE YOU FUCKING DOUCHE.
TG: -nothing.-
CG: I WILL PERSONALLY COME OVER TO YOUR BLOCK TO SEE IF YOURE DEAD OR NOT.
CG: AND ILL BRING THIS BOTTLE OF WHATEVER IT IS
TG: -do it i dare you.-
CG: AND POUR IT ON YOUR *ALIVE* FACE
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
CG: OKAY WHATEVER
CG: IM COMING OVER ITS TOO LATE NOW
CG: -HIS TROLLIAN GOES IDLE FOR A FEW MINUTES AND SOMEONE STARTS BEATING ON YOUR DOOR-
CG: OPEN UP YOU BULGEMUNCHER
CG: ILL KICK THIS DOOR IN!
TG: -Dave's waiting just inside with an unopened bottle of juice. Confirmed: Apple juice.-
CG: OKAY! YOU ASKED FOR IT! -THERE'S A THUD FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR WHERE KARKAT TRIED TO KICK IT IN BUT ONLY MANAGED TO HURT HIS FOOT-
CG: GOG FUCKING DAMMIT!
TG: -He's literally got his back to the wall beside the door, waiting for stubby mcnubs to burst in or figure out the door is unlocked.-
CG: FUCKING.... FUCK!
TG: -Quiet snickering ensues.-
TG: -Totally audible quier snickering.-
CG: -HE TRIES THE DOOR KNOB- OH FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING... -HE OPENS IT AND LIMPS IN, STILL HOLDING THE BOTTLE OF APPLE JUICE.-
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING LAUGHING AT ME???
CG: PREPARE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOUR TEETH ARE ABOUT TO GET KNOCKED IN!
TG: -dave swoops in with a hug from behind.- YOU SAVED ME!
TG: I AM ALIVE! -he picks up the fucking tinyass troll in a bearhug.-
CG: -HE SCREAMS AND FLAILS- F-FUCK!! WHO THE- DAVE YOU FUCKING DOUCHEBAG!!
TG: -he plucks the bottle out of karkat's hand after setting him down-
TG: so like
TG: thanks for bringing this to me nubby
CG: -HE GROWLS AND JUMPS ON HIM, TRYING TO GET THE BOTTLE BACK- NO! IM GONNA FUCKING FIND OUT WHAT THIS SHIT IS!!
CG: -HE FLICKS HIS EAR- AND DONT FUCKING CALL ME NUBBY OR ILL KICK YOU IN THE BULGE
TG: -He groans and lets himself fall backwards onto the couch from Karkat's weight, somersaulting onto the cushions.-
CG: -HE STARTS WRESTLING HIM FOR THE BOTTLE- GIVE. IT. TO. ME!
TG: -He backs towards the sink, tossing the two bottles from hand to hand, keeping a close eye on which bottle is which. .-
CG: -HE STEPS BACK, LOOKING UP AT THE BOTTLES- SHIT...
TG: -he takes his chance and sprints to the sink./
CG: HEY! -HE STARTS TO RUN AFTER HIM THEN TRIPS AND FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE-
TG: -We Belong plays in the background as a slow motiom chase ensues.-
TG: -It promptly ends when Dave smashes both bottles in the sink, letting them both mix and drain.-
CG: -HE HAULS HIMESELF UP INTO A SITTING POSITION AND DRMATICALLY REACHES OUT HIS HAND AND CRIES- NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
CG: HOW COULD YOU??? -HE JUST SITS THERE-
TG: -He poses histrionically and lets out a bone-chilling laugh.- NOW YOU WILL NEVER KNOW!
TG: and to be honest neither will i
CG: -HE GETS UP AND RUNS TOWARD HIM, JUMPING ON HIS BACK- THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW!
TG: did sollux visit when i was over? cause i was pretty out if it
TG: oh shit
TG: -he tips over onto the floor, squirming like a child.-
CG: -HE GRIPS ONTO HIS BACK FOR DEAR LIFE, REFUSING TO LET GO-
TG: -he eventually lays limp, realizing he's already won-
TG: youll never know
CG: -HE BLINKS, STILL HOLDING ON- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY DID YOU STOP? I DIDN'T THINK WE WERE DONE FIGHTING.
CG: BUT NIETHER WILL YOU -HE GALRES-
TG: we are dude its over
TG: so? i was pretty out if it i dont think i wanna know
CG: FUCK YOU - HE JUST STAYS ON HIS BACK-
TG: well
TG: -he rolls to stand up and go to the sink
TG: did you open the bottle?
CG: -HE SCOFFS- NO. THERE WAS A CHANCE IT COULDVE BEEN PEE. I LIED TO GET YOU TO ANSWER ME BUT IT DIDNT WORK.
TG: cause both of the top shards are still in tact
TG: yeah man you cant tempt me like that
CG: HMM? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE TOP SHARDS?
TG: -he picks up a shard and twists the cap, forcing strength into it to get it off-
TG: that one was unopened
TG: try the other one?
CG: -HE TWISTS THE TOP OFF THE OTHER ONE EASILY- SO? WE STILL DONT KNOW WHAT WAS IN IT.
TG: -blinks-
TG: was it really that easy
TG: cause if it was unopened it was 100% aj
CG: WELL YEAH.
CG: SHIT
CG: WELL WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST TOUCH
TG: smell your hand
CG: -HE THROWS DOWN THE CAP AND MAKES A DISGUSTED FACE- EW NO!
TG: and dont kill me
TG: fine
TG: -he picks up the cap and sniffs it/
TG: huh
CG: -HE HOLDS HIS HAND AWAY FROM HIM, LOOKING AT IT WITH A DISGUSTED EXPRESSION THEN LOOKS UP AT DAVE- WHAT WAS IT?
TG: why would i tell you? -he turns on the faucet, washing away all evidence.-
CG: BUT I STILL HAVE THE SMELL ON MY HAND! HAHA! -HE MOCKINGLY WAVES HIS HAND AROUND-
TG: you wanna sniff it?
CG: NOT REALLY. BUT I WILL. FOR SCIENCE!
CG: -HE SNIFFS HIS HAND-
CG: IT... -HE LOOKS AT IT DUMBLY- IT JUST SMELLS LIKE A HAND..
TG: -he starts to snicker-
CG: WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ASSCRACK??
TG: you totally got punked dude
CG: WHAT??
TG: oh my god i got you so goid
CG: WHAT THE FUCK??
CG: WHAT DID YOU DO?
TG: -he dives into the cabinet and pulls out a bottle of yellow food coloring-
TG: ITS NOT APPLE JUICE
TG: ITS NOT PISS
TG: ITS NOT CAPTOR SPOOGE
TG: ITS JUST WATER
CG: -HE KICKS HIM IN THE SHIN-
TG: AND-- OW
CG: YOU FUCKING DWEEB
TG: -he bounces on one foot while continuing-
TG: AND
TG: I GOT YOU TO BRING IT ALL THE WAY HERE
TG: SCREW YOU JOHN I AM THE PRANKING MASTER
TG: okay so now that thats all over and done with
CG: OH FUCK YOU -HE FLIPS HIM OFF-
TG: i decided to pick up glass
TG: and uh
TG: hand
CG: WHAT?
TG: -he holds up his bleeding hand.-
TG: its not that bad but
TG: still
TG: glass
CG: -HIS EYES GO WIDE- DAVE YOU IDIOT. -HE GRABS HIS OTHER HAND AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE BATHROOM-
TG: my body is mostly unharmed but this hurts my soul
TG: cause im a fucking genius man i got you so good
TG: suck it egbert
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP. -HE LOOKS UNDER THE SINK- DO YOU HAVE A FIRST AID KIT?
TG: somewhere
TG: bro never believed in them though
TG: -he sticks his hand in the sink to rinse away the blood-
CG: FUCK.. -HE BENDS OVER TO LOOK DEEPER UNDER THE SINK-
TG: if it was really bad it just needed uhh
TG: whats the shit that burns
TG: hydrogen peroxide?
CG: HEY I THINK I FOUND ONE! -HE COMES OUT WITH A SMALL FIRST AID KIT-
TG: that shit cleans the yellow out of a vintage macintosh
CG: YEAH I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOME IN HERE.. -HE LOOKS THROUGH-
TG: oh shit really?
TG: no
TG: nO
TG: IT BURNS SO BAD NO
CG: YEAH THERE IS. -HE HOLDS UP A SMALL BOTTLE- DAVE CALM DOWN. ITLL GET INFECTED IF YOU DONT.
TG: ISNT THERE NEOSPORIN
CG: UHH... -HE LOOKS THROUGH THE BOX'S CONTENTS- NO SORRY
TG: FUCK
CG: DAVE. ITLL ONLY BE FOR A SECOND.
TG: give me your hand
CG: THEN ILL PUT A BANDAID ON IT AND KISS IT BETTER OR WHATEVER THE FUCK HUMANS DO TO INJURIES.
CG: WHAT? WHY?
TG: im either gonna squeeze it or bite it you pick
CG: UM SQUEEZEING SOUNDS LESS PAINFUL.
CG: -HE HOLDS OUT THE HAND NOT HOLDING THE BOTTLE-
TG: but ill be going through so much paib
TG: and its your doing
CG: ITLL ONLY BE FOR LIKE A SECOND AND THEN ITS OVER.
TG: maybe for you
CG: -HE SIGHS- WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOU DO THIS? IT'S GOING TO GET INFECTED AND THEN ITS GOING TO HURT EVEN MORE.
TG: ((hey man im gonna conk the fuck out im tired as hell))
TG: ((hope you dont mind))
CG: ((OKAY! NICE RPING WITH YOU! GOODNIGHT!))
TG: ((uhhhh, my tumblr is *******))

/toggledownfall