Trivia: Love

Chapter 2

The biggest question in my life was never 'What is the meaning of life?' or 'What is my purpose?'

Even though, those questions have went through my mind constantly, my biggest question was always 'Who am I?'

I wanted to know the answer but I didn't know how. I never understood the importance of knowing who you are or how important it was to understand self - love. I had to learn it the hard way.

My mother died 17 years ago, right after I was born. I never knew how she died but my father had resented me ever since.

My father began to drink and often smelled of drugs after a days work. He began to lash out at me. Yelling about how it was my fault. He also hit, scratched, pulled and pushed me around. He started to bring home other women and I would become really sad at his lack of love for me and my mother. Whenever I confronted him, he would hurt me, too. My family had a lot of influence within the law and outside. Scandals were covered up and justice was never served.

He also forced me to go on dates to make his company bigger and he would always make me do things for them like date and get married. I was his only child so I was to honor my family. But I didn't want to. If I refused, he would yell at me and lock me up in a deep ditch for weeks. If honoring my family meant acting like daddy's little girl, then there was no way in hell that I would stay. I wanted to be free.

Once I turned 15, my father locked me in the ditch for no apparent reason and left me there for a month, surviving on my own sweat and half a bread roll every week. That was the last straw.

I ran away from home after that, figuring that my father hated me. It was for the best. My father was a monster. He had killed all the daughterly affection I had saved for him, hoping for him to change. Life would have been fine had my mother not died.

My father must have missed his punch-bag because soon he had sent his FBI agents and private investigators after me. Yep, so I'm on the run. Great.

Even though I understood the reason why he chose to act like his, I don't think that it's reasonable for anyone to do this. He was always so secretive and I knew something was bothering him. He never told me so I didn't know what to think.

Being able to love yourself was the hardest thing for me to do. I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to do it. I wasn't able to love myself because of how I perceived myself. I was depressed and, in return, that affected how others saw me. I pushed away my friends and my so - called family and, because of that, I was lonely. I was alone and I wasn't able to do anything about it. But I could. I just didn't know it.

Nothing changed after I left my father.

Whenever someone approached me, I was very cold and distant. If they didn't get the hint that I wanted to be left alone, I would snap. No one understood my problems. No one understood me. People began to resent me and loads were scared to approach me. I soon became invisible. But that was ok. I was used to it.

Seeing other people happy, made me sad. It was always because they had a nice face and body. I wasn't ugly or fat, but I compared myself to everyone around me. There was always a massive contrast and it was always me who was on the lower half.

I started to try and make myself better. Or what I thought was better. I began to starve myself. I exercised until I almost passed out. Sickness easily became my best friend. Ever heard the saying 'Misery loves company'? I was depressed. I tried using make - up but no one noticed a difference. To me, I was still hideous.

My life was absolute trash but what could I do?

I was frustrated that no matter how hard I tried, no one noticed me. Until you.