It's all over

Envelope me into the darkness

I decide to avert my gaze from the beautiful specimen of a boy in front of me when he starts getting closer to me. I open my locker when the seemingly preppy boy stands next to me and asks if the locker next to me is T17 I'm not really used to people talking to me in school unless they're spouting out repetitive insults and I just stare at him for a second before my body catches up with my brain and I manage to stutter out " umm...yea...that's locker um T17" he smiles at me and mutters his thanks when I've got my books but before I can leave he called after me "hey wait  do you know where English with Mrs Lowe is?" He asked kinda like he was pleading me so I took him to class which coincidentally I was in also, I took my seat at the back and he trailed behind me.

Through most of the lesson I just stared into space thinking about how I haven't had cigarette today and how I'm really itching to have one. I have gym next so I can have a cigarette then I like to skip gym to smoke because one who wants to get all sweaty and gross and two we have to wear short sleeves so no thank you.

When the bell finally goes to symbolise the end of the lesson I quickly scurried out the classroom and numbed into my worst nightmare Karofsky. He shoved me into the Lockers shouting some homophobic slur about how I'm a fairy as I think how original I walk to the back of the school pulling out my lighter and a ciggy when I see someone already there I drop my things and scramble to pick them up so I can make a quick exit when I realise it's the new guy. "Hey I didn't really catch your name before I'm Blaine" he held out his hand for me to shake and I reluctantly took it. I felt tingles when our skin touched and I pulled away quickly I try to stuff my lighter and cigarettes in my pocket before he can see them while mumbling "hi I'm Kurt" and he chuckles "hey can I borrow your lighter" he says casually and I just stare at him gobsmacked "it's just mines ran out" and he holds his cigarette up to his mouth "umm...sure....I guess I mean it's not even my lighter I don't even smoke not really I just thought I'd try it you know you only live once and all that" I ramble out trying to make out as if this is an uncommon thing for me he just laughs at me and takes my lighter holds it up to his lips and sets it ablaze "look I won't tell anyone if you won't I'm supposed to be the prep school boy here." I smile and take one of my cigs out of the pack and light it.

"So how come you're here with the schools biggest loser and not in whatever class you're supposed to be in" I say after a drag of my cigarette "I'm in gym next and I just don't think I need it, I play sports, I box I don't need anymore exercise and besides I haven't a had a smoke yet today and I felt as if I was going insane" he pauses then looked at me if considering something for a second "so how come you're so convince that you're the schools biggest loser and skipping your lesson say here with me smoking when you look like the cover of a kids toy magazine"  I consider my answer before replying "I am the schools biggest loser, nobody likes me here because I'm gay and I'm different, my "friends" haven't spoke to me in like a month other than the occasional hi or something in glee club and I'm skipping gym because I hate it who wants to run around getting all sweaty when I could sit here and relax my self having a smoke." I reply casually. He stares at me before saying "I'm gay too but i think because I look like your stereotypical straight guy it acts as an amour like a shield people will see what they want to see so I prove them wrong" "well that's alright for some of us but others like me well we are disposable. I'm nothing special and I know it he'll I think half the stuff that comes my way isn't nothing compared to how I treat myself" I freeze up suddenly realising what I just said "Um I mean...I'm my own biggest critic but my own biggest fan that's how it works when you want to be a star right yea okay well it was cool meeting you Blaine" I shouted back as I finished my cigarette and ran off before he could say anything. Fucking hell Kurt can't you do anything right I said to myself. It still the middle of class so o spray myself with cologne and pop a mint in my mouth as I make my way to the bathroom and check no ones in there before I pull out a razor blade and a bandaid before cutting into my arm one more time.

I slice across my skin watching the little dots of blood appear before wiping them away with a cold wet paper towel. I wince and then revel in the pain as I continue to slit my wrists before I hear "OH MY GOD KURT" that's when I realise I'm fucked.