It's all over

I don't want to stop

A stunned silence broke out after that. The tears ran profusely down my cheeks soaking into my hospital gown.

I couldn't look at my dad my head hung low at the revelation that just prevailed. I chanced a glance at Carole mans Finn who also had there heads down but faces in utter shock at my out burst.
I traveled my gaze higher just to rest on my fathers face. Is jaw clenched tightly into a line but there was hurt deep in his eyes. I didn't want that to happen, I didn't want to cause him this pain. That's why I wanted to be gone I can't do this. I'm supposed to be gone. "Look Kurt I know you're hurting but you have to stop this look at what it's doing to you. Look at your arms. Look at where you are for God's sake" my fathers gruff voice with a hint of fear and hurt etched into it pulled me out of my daze. And I could hear him continue to ramble about stopping and how this isn't me and blah blah blah "I don't want to stop" I choked out just above a sob before I broke down fully and the machine started beeping. Panic split through my family's face as nurses began to rush in they pushed a clear liquid through the drip attached to my hand.

I woke up to the same blinding white light my dad sat at my bedside, Finn and Carole are nowhere to be seen. They probably didn't want to spend anymore time with a fuck up that they have to live with because Carole married my dad.

"What happened" I asked my dad groggily. "You...um...you got all worked up the nurses had to sedate your. You lost a lot of blood Kurt and you needed a blood transfusion you can't be getting all worked up like that." My dad said, he sounded exhausted like he hadn't slept for a week. "Dad look I'm fine here, you should go home and get some rest" he looked at me as if I'd just shot his mother "and LEAVE YOU, Kurt do you really think after everything that's happened I'm going to leave you alone" great he doesn't trust me I'm never going to be alone again. "Dad you're exhausted you need rest, think about your heart." I tried to reason "MY HEART? Kurt I don't give a damn about my heart kid. I thought I was going to lose you, Kurt what happened? We had a deal that you would talk to me if things ever got as bad as last time." He choked out "dad this isn't like last time...ye things were bad but last time was a bit of an overreaction to me picking up a pamphlet. Yes I was feeling some stuff and it was hard but this time this time it's like I was feeling everything and nothing all at the same time. Like I was drowning but I had too much air in my lungs and I was about to combust. This time I wanted to hurt myself. I scarred my once flawless skin to feel like I had control to feel like I was getting my own back to feel like for once I could turn my emotional pain into my own physical pain."  My dad looked at me shocked before a single tear dropped from his eye.