It's all over

It's not your fault

I was frozen, I had almost made it and got off scot free but here he was after telling me his story and being so strong he was holding up my weakness; displaying it for me too know how weak I actually am. I'm pathetic and there is no way for me to get out of this I guess I have to try . "Kurt!" my eyes are still frozen to the box in front of me I'm still trying to make up an excuse, any reason for me to have them after everything would he even believe me? "Kurt please look at me" my eyes snap up to his and gone is the gorgeous kind eyes that I love, instead they've been replaced by pity and anger? Why was he Angry? He's not the one that has to live with this shit. "Why do you have these?" Blaine asks as if he already knows the reason but he's just trying to get me to admit it. "Uh...I....um....bought them for me because my dad got rid of my other ones.....but not for um.....that I bought them to shave....not my um...face though because that is as smooth as a baby's butt like honestly but for like my....um legs and stuff I don't like to have body hair." I sum up Blaine's cheeks have developed a pink tinge but he still looks as though he doesn't fully believe me. "Kurt please don't lie to me, not after I just told you the biggest shame of my life...please"

I want to trust Blaine I do....just to have someone to talk to I decide to trust Blaine and tell him "Okay....fine but I wasn't lying completely I do need the razors for that but that isn't the reason I bought them."

After that one sentence was uttered Blaine completely broke he was so angry and I knew in an instant that maybe he wouldn't want to talk about this and I would have to go back to facing it alone. Well at least I'll always have my razor. "Why Kurt? I need to know why you were gonna do this." Blaine begged. "Okay fine....I-I guess I just slipped up... I thought you pitied me and all this time I spent trusting you and getting to know you meant nothing because I meant nothing to you." I rushed out all in one breath "So this is my fault? I drove you to this oh my God Kurt I'm so sorry really you are the only friend I have and I care about you so much please, please believe me I'm so sorry I-" "NO STOP this is not your fault okay this is me all me. It has nothing to do with you okay I need you to believe me this was not your fault!"

Blaine looked at me his eyes misty from tears and he pulled me into a strong embrace. I wanted nothing more than to stay there all day inhaling his scent. I felt so safe around him and like I'm really starting to get to know the real Blaine Anderson rather than the façade he puts up. After what felt like forever and not enough all at once he pulled away. However. my body was racked with tingles from where Blaine held me. I basically swooned.

After the embrace I asked Blaine for my razors back, I know it was bold, boarder line stupid move but I still needed this. He looked at me pointedly " Kurt I'm not stupid there is no way in hell I am giving these back to you." My shoulders slumped in defeat. I checked the time and realized I really should've been home by now. "Shit.. I.. uh have to go I'll see you tomorrow" I offered with a small smile and dashed off to my car.

As I arrived home my dad and Carole with sat on the couch with the Tv off and staring at me with strange looks on their faces. My dad rushed towards me and engulfed me in a hug "Kurt where the hell were you we were so worried." He said, "I was only gone for a couple hours dad I ran into Mercedes and we hung out for a bit no big deal" I lied through my teeth which I was used to now but I missed the days were my dad and I talked about stuff and I felt safe telling him everything. those days were all but a distant memory now. "Well you coulda called is all I'm saying we were out of our minds thinkin' you know...." My dad trailed off. I knew full well what he was thinking and although it weren't far from the truth it still pissed me off to think that Finn has been gone longer than I was probably doing unspeakable things to Rachel and that's okay but I can't even go to the fucking store! It was ridiculous "Don't worry dad I haven't got the desire to drive my car off a bridge just yet" I droned out sarcastically. There was a part of me that felt bad for everything I've done but without my release I was just angry and full of Pent up emotion. "Now just wait a minute where do you get off talkin' to me like that I'm just lookin' out for ya"

"NO you're just trying to control me! Finn has been out longer than me and he's probably fucking his dumb ass girlfriend yet all you care about is that I came home from the store a little late!" I yelled.

After that my dad fumed I was actually so worried he was going to give himself another heart attack but before I knew it he went suddenly calm his body still rigid and I could see the anger balzing in his eyes but other than that he had a calm demeanor. "Kurt you're grounded that means no sleepover with the girls this weekend instead you will come and work at the garage with me, you are not to leave this house for anything other than school or the garage and you have lost your care privilege's I suggest you find another way to school." I stormed up to my Bedroom angry and hurt, I only spoke the truth. 'No your just a fuck up, of course you're grounded you deserve it , he let you off easy.' I

I skipped dinner that evening and waited until everyone was asleep before I snuck downstairs to the Basement I looked through my dads tools before I found a brand new craft knife. I snapped some of the blade off and retreated back to my room where I made small cuts on my thigh trying not to overdo it. I finally felt like I could breathe again like I was drowning and suddenly air has pulsed back into my lungs.

That feeling was quick to disappear and regret hit me and I felt worse than before. Just like always.