It's all over

Monday should be optional

It was now Monday and I was waking up with a sense of warmth around me even as I remembered the terrible events of last night. I blinked open my eyes and I feel a pair of muscular arms around me and my face buried in the crook of Blaine's neck I inhaled the familiar scent of his raspberry hair gel and the new musk of sandalwood making an intoxicating aroma that made my senses hum with delight. I realize this is not how Blaine and I fell asleep and that we must of been drawn to each other in our sleep which sets my heart alight once more.

I feel Blaine start to stir against me and I quickly close my eyes not wanting him to think I was watching him and the peaceful way he sleeps, how his lips are slightly parted and eyes creased at the corner as if he's smiling. I feel him squeeze me tighter until he opens his eyes and moves away. I knew it was too good to be true he was obviously repulsed by the thought of me. I make out as if I'm opening my eyes for the first time and see Blaine looking at me "Morning" I said he blushes then looks away "Morning do you um want any breakfast" I consider it then decide its probably best not to I don't want to repulse him anymore by making myself fat. "Uh no thanks" 

"Do you think we could stop by my place before school?" I ask "I just need to change my clothes and have a shower".

"You can shower here if you want" Blaine says, I think about and accept because it will save time. "I'll just shower in the spare bedroom en-suite" Blaine adds before going into his closet to retrieve a towel and retreating out of the room. 

I waltzed into the shower and let the water burn my skin, I always liked this feeling I always liked the feeling of the hot water cascading down my skin. It makes me feel at peace like nothing else matters apart from the point of contact between the water and my skin. I know it sounds stupid but my mind always feels clearer after this like the fog has lifted a little. It only takes a minute before everything comes crashing down though as realization of what happened last night dawned on me and the urge to cut became strong once more. Because its always fucking there isn't it, it never really goes away. I don't think I've ever been clean for more than a few weeks and that was mostly because I was in hospital. 

It's a strange feeling hating yourself because It isn't something that has a quick fix it's not like getting a headache where the cure is taking some pain killers, having a drink of water and maybe a nap. It never goes away its like this constant ache in your chest which flares up at the most random times but is always there at a slow simmer until at some point it reaches boiling point and you explode in emotion whether it be anger or crying it all comes flooding out of you. Some times I think I might as well try again I mean what's really the harm maybe this time I'll try pills. I really don't think I want my dad to have to cut me down from the ceiling besides sometimes hanging can take hours because if your neck doesn't break from the jump you are in for suffocation which can take a really long time. 

I decide not to dwell on those thoughts for too much longer because I've been in the shower for a while now and I don't want Blaine to think I'm cutting myself or masturbating in his shower.

I jump out the shower and reluctantly put on my clothes from the night before and rush downstairs to where Blaine was putting on his shoes. 

The drive to my house was filled with nervous energy and I was just praying to lady gaga herself to let my dad be in work by the time we got home.

But of course no such luck as when we pulled up in front of the house my dads car was in the drive along with a police car outside what the hell?

Blaine and I entered the house to see my dad, Carole, Finn and two police officers gathered around the kitchen table. "Um hello?" I said as I walked in cautiously Blaine following hesitantly at my heels. "Kurt thank God you're here we were worried sick" Carole said as she rushed over to hug me "What's going on? why are the police here?" I asked worriedly while my dad shakes the police officers hands before escorting the polite but stern looking man and woman out. 

"Will someone please tell me what's going on?" I asked becoming more and more frustrated "Kurt. sit. now" my dad said angrily I wanted to retort with a fact about how I'm not a dog but now didn't really seem like the time. "You too son" Blaine said to my dad who didn't argue at all and came and sat at the table next to me.

Boy was this gonna be a long day urgh Monday should really be optional!