So...you're probably wondering what the shit that was all about? Well...I time to tell. And yes, my name is Ben.
So, here's the deal. I'm done writing RWBY. Fanfiction wise at least. Sticking with Team FLME though. But here's the reasons why I reached the decision I did. I'm just tired of RWBY. The show has made a massive downward slop, faulty promises, terrible fandom, god-awful writing and so much more. And honestly, it just isn't fun to write for anymore. It's honestly more and more tedious to write for and is so draining, so boring that I am just done with it. I know I'm the RWBY guy, but honestly, I don't want to be that anymore.
Another thing it's just not good anymore. And I need to leave it be. Oh sure I'll still read some fanfics here and there, but honestly, I'm done. Additionally, Team FLME will no longer be produced exclusively for Wattpad anymore. I will be remaking the covers, posting them to DeviantArt and reuploading them all to Archive of Our Own. Why? Because it treats fan characters so much better than here. And I want Team FLME to get bigger. And there you don't even need an account to comment or read it. So, there's that.
Now then, another thing; I'm not done permanently writing RWBY. I'm done writing for your enjoyment. Later this month (or earlier depending on when I do it.) I will be starting a Patreon Account to help me pay my way through writing and to do commissions, art work and basically expanding my artist side for money now. I need the cash and this is the best way I see how to do it. If you pay the incentive for commissions and commission me for a RWBY story, I will write it. But you have to pay me for it next time. All commissions will also go under Archive of Our Own because Wattpad is too crowded for me as is.
So, that Patreon. Well, here are some details for that: I have Patreon exclusive stories. These are will be once a month type of deal in which (depending on the tier) you can either suggest a story or vote in it. These will be one-shots. You can also request some custom artwork of characters or even an OC. And story parts will be released early on my Patreon compared to Wattpad.
Additionally, I want to do all of this to improve my craft. I'm a Media Production Major with a Minor in English. Writing is now my go to. So, any experience is good experience.
So, what does that mean? I said I'm done with RWBY......not
MY HERO ACADEMIA!!!!
Fuck what anyone else says, this shit is great. Plus I already spent the last year writing shit for it. So, you're getting here no matter what! Plus some My Hero One-shots! So...yeah. There's all that.
But getting back onto the real topic at hand. That last thing was my inner voice talking to me. I got the idea from Doug Walker's final episode of Demo Reel. The premise was the show being cancelled and Nostalgia Critic coming back to life. The entire episode was just Doug talking to himself as a struggling artist and himself the angry critic. Loved that idea so here's my take on it.
So, basically the whole deal with "Thought on Thought" was that I was slowly growing tired of some of the pettiness on Wattpad so I made a small chapter. Next thing I realized I turned it into my research paper from College and analyzed myself and my I failed as a human. I was no where near a super one either. I made mistakes, some that make me hate myself more and more everyday. And yes, everything I had the character of "Shadow" say is an honest criticism I have heard from myself or others. And I did reference other Wattpad users but I also wrote this back in April so things weren't nearly like they were then compared to now.
It's just...frustrating really. I try so hard and I can never get anywhere. I feel like I'm trapped and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Oh sure, I can write everything down, make me feel like more of a shit person about myself and so forth and so on. But that voice, that thing that keeps me up and night. That won't ever go away. No matter what. And you know why? Because my brain is fucking terrible to the point where it hates itself as well.
I don't know why, but I never feel adequate. I never feel like anyone cares about me. I know it's not true but I can't help but feel that way. Like everything that happens is my fault or something along those lines. Maybe I'm not socially aware enough or something, but I just...I always feel like this.
And you can tell me all of care and that you guys want to care more, and I know you all do. But...it doesn't mean much to me without seeing you in person. I mean, it means a ton! Truly it does, but...I don't know. It doesn't feel as personable I guess.
It also doesn't help that I am clearly mentally unwell. I feel as if I ruin everything despite having no say in certain matters. I also have the feelings that everyone around me secretly hates me and wants nothing to do with me whatsoever. And that's just the start of my internal issues. Other times I feel like no one understands me and I'm the one who has to clean up the pieces of a failing person. I feel like the guy who always gets shit on and no one ever asks how I'm feeling because if I be honest, everyone will hate me for it or want to through me into some hospital.
I really don't know what else to say at the moment. I just...damn. I don't know anymore. I feel unsatisfied, lazy, lonely, depressed, and just...ARGH!!!
But I think my biggest fear is growing up. I don't think I'm mentally ready to get out into the world. I'm the guy who would rather get inside his room, stay there all day and play video games with his friends and watch YouTube videos rather than go out for like 3-4 hours and enjoy myself with some friends. I genially don't know what is wrong with me and I hate myself for it. Honestly...I hate myself a lot.
So...I really don't know what is next for me. I may just give up writing fan fictions and just go straight into commissioned work. I may keep doing what I'm doing as a side gig. It just sucks that my best work is unofficial spinoff series or fan fictions. Like, what on earth are you supposed to do with that shit? Put it on a resume so my future employer sees I wrote porn? Great. Why the FUCK not?! I mean HEY, everyone in one of my college courses thought I wrote porn for a living because I couldn't find a way fast enough to explain something outside of 'fanfiction'. Little shits yet also those are people who I need to care about since they all are in the comm department of my school. MOTHER FUCKER YOU SUCK YOU LITTLE FUCK WIT SHIT TURD!!! FUCK!!!
(Sighs)...I'm sorry. I just...damn man. My anxiety has been getting to me for months now. I'm worried about college, my roommate moved out so I'm afraid I'll get some stoner, my dorm building sucks because the dicks are too loud, I constantly feel unsatisfied and I'm battling with my inner voices if I'm a good person or not. Mostly because of one major fact...a lot of people from my high school thought I would become a school shooter.
Would I? FUCK NO!!! But...that still rocks me to my core. People actually thought I was that deranged enough to even consider that. And now...now I'm questioning every friendship from high school and I'm just...God damn it.
I just...fuck man. I just have no more words to say anymore. I just...fuck man. I need a break. So, I'm taking a two week break from posting updates and otherwise. I just...holy shit. I need a break from everyone and thing.
So...I'll see you guys at the start of the new year with new stories that will hopefully not piss anyone off at all.
Thanks everyone. Truly I mean it. Till next time kiddos. And hopefully a much better attitude. So, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa or what ever holiday you celebrate. I hope you all have a good time with your families and I'll see you guys in the next decade!
I love you. And I'm sorry I can't be fixed...
~Ben "Super_Human456"
