How to Unkill Yourself [ruby da cherry]

Battle, My Love

     By 1 a.m., the guys were all taking shots and smoking. Except for Scrim, who I found out was a few months sober. I was a bit confused as to why he offered me vodka earlier, but I brushed it off as his attempt to introduce himself. At this point, I was sitting on the matching leather loveseat on the opposite side of the living room. The collar of my shirt was pulled up to cover my nose and protect me from the smell of weed.

     "You want a hit over there?" Kevin asked, shouting a bit so that I could hear him. I shook my head and uncovered my face.

     "Nah, I'm alright, I don't smoke," I said. Don't get me wrong, I used to smoke a ton, but I couldn't anymore. I couldn't even be around the smell of it.

     "You sober or sum'?" Kevin ashed the blunt onto the glass table. Again, I shook my head.

     "Just had a bad experience with a cart my ex gave me. Ever since then I've had really bad highs that make me anxious as fuck," I explained. It was kind of embarrassing to say aloud, especially in front of people who smoked almost nonstop.

     Kevin passed the blunt to Eric before answering, "I'm sorry to hear that. It's all good, though, you don't gotta smoke to chill with us. I mean, look at Scrimmy." He gestured to Scrim who was sat next to Ruby. His eyes were clear and he gave me a smile with a small half-wave. I returned the gesture and said "cool" under my breath, still a little embarrassed.

     The guys kept talking and smoking, at this point they'd just started their third blunt. The window on the wall across from them was opened, so the smell wasn't as intense as it could've been. I stared at my phone and scrolled mindlessly through instagram, all the while my mind kept going back to my conversation with Ruby.

     We'd talked about some pretty deep shit right off the bat, but somehow it felt normal. It was like I knew him my whole life as we sat at the kitchen table ranting together. I couldn't stop thinking about it - or more specifically - about him. There was something that drew me in, making it difficult to keep my eyes away from him as he sat across the room.

     I had to push the thoughts away, I didn't wanna get too worked up over the idea of a person. Besides, I'd only had one conversation with the dude. As I was battling with my own thoughts, I started to feel dizzy. My heart rate sped up, my head felt like it was about to fly off of my body. I looked up from my phone and saw the guys a few yards away from me, still smoking. Sitting up, I felt my dizziness get worse and it started getting hard to breathe.

     I was sure I looked absolutely insane as I caught the attention of Ruby. Our eyes met and he instantly saw that something was wrong. I heard him excuse himself without bringing attention to the situation - to my situation. The guys kept doing their thing, not even looking in my direction. Ruby walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder.

     "You alright?" he asked. It took a moment for the words to come out of my mouth, and when they did, they felt completely foreign.

     "I- No, I don't... I don't think so," I said. I looked up at him, his brown eyes filled with concern.

     "Alright, let's get you outta here, okay?" he started. I stood up slowly and his hand moved from my shoulder to my back. "We're gonna go out back."

     I nodded in cooperation and we walked out into the kitchen. At the back, near some shelves, was a screen door that led out to a deck. I tried to keep my eyes focused on what was in front of me. Ruby took his hand away from me and moved to open the door.

     As soon as I stepped out into the fresh air, my breathing returned to normal. I turned to Ruby, who was leaning against the side rail of the deck. "I'm sorry," I muttered.