How to Unkill Yourself [ruby da cherry]

Your Words Were Written In Cold Blood

     The next week went by quicker than I thought. It was now the last day before Ruby & Scrim had to go back home to prepare for the tour. The tour would start in a few days, and it weighed on my mind like a sack of bricks. It was stupid, but I worried about what Ruby would be doing. Like, would he be thinking about me at all? Would he just forget I exist and move on? I was anxious in general, which made no sense. He wasn't my boyfriend, just a friend who was affectionate towards me and fucked me from time to time.

     "That was the first time we really performed, I'll never forget that," Ruby said, breaking me out of my thoughts for a second. I looked over at him and nodded, adding in a half-hearted 'wow'. He went on talking.

     We were sitting on the beach, taking in the sunset which made the water glow with shades other than blue. The sky was a brilliant blend of oranges and pinks, and for a moment I'd forget everything if I focused on the colors. I wouldn't pay attention to the thoughts of anxiety that plagued my mind, nor the worries or doubts that accompanied them. Just sitting there, watching the clouds change color and listening to Ruby talk, would have me at peace.

     "And then we came back from Europe and decided to take a fuckin' break. I didn't want to, but our managers made us, so," I looked back over at him. I suddenly felt the weight settle in my chest again. "I heard Eric's goin' on tour soon, too."

     I nodded. "Yeah, kinda sucks. Imma be all alone in that big apartment." Ruby laughed and began talking again.

     It was getting cooler out as the sun kept going down, and the black fabric of one of my old hoodies clung to my arms from the humidity. I hated the beach. I quickly looked away from Ruby. I wanted to seem like I was listening, but I couldn't face him. Why the fuck was his departure making me so sad? My own irrationality pissed me off. I looked back at the sky, which now had hues of a deeper purple. The sky would morph as the pinks faded into purples which would fade into blue.

     Ruby was still talking. A nod or chuckle from me would propel him into another paragraph, and I was glad that I didn't have to say much. "Let's get outta here, I want ice cream. You want ice cream?" he asked. I looked up at him as he was getting up from his spot on the towel.

     "Sure," I smiled at him and held my hand out for him to help me up. Not like I needed it, but it was an excuse to hold his hand. Very mature, I know, however he never let go of it as we walked to the nearby ice cream shop.

     We arrived once the sky became a complete dark blue that got darker the farther you looked. The fluorescent lights inside made me squint in discomfort. Ruby ordered something complicated and looked over to me. "Whaddya want, baby?"

     I tried to look up at the menu sign above. Was I hungry? No. Was I full? Hardly. But for some reason I didn't wanna just say "nothing" and let that be that. Fuck, it was bright in there. My heart was racing from the pressure put on me. I never liked being in social situations, even if it only meant ordering food for myself.

     "I'll order for you, just point to what you want. Okay?" Ruby said in a soft voice. I took a deep breath and raised my arm. It felt like it weighed a hundred pounds and filled with pins and needles as soon as it went up from my side. My stomach turned and it felt like I had a giant bubble in between my abdomen and my lungs. Before I could point at anything, everything disappeared around me into darkness. The last thing I heard was Ruby shout, "Holy shit, Charlie!" and I felt myself crumble to the ground.

                                                                     -----

     I felt movement when my eyes opened. It was blurry as I looked around and soon I realized I was in an ambulance. Ruby was sitting in there with me on my left side, and an EMT was on my right side. I cleared my throat to get his attention. His eyes went from the floor directly to me and I could practically see some of the tension disappear from him.