How to Unkill Yourself [ruby da cherry]

R.I.P. Bagel

     Ruby had left his car at his mom's, but he told me he'd get it tomorrow. I must've apologized to Scott and Lauren a bajillion times, they just gave me soft reassurance with equally sorry looks in their eyes. And once Scott dropped us off we awkwardly walked inside, not saying a word.

     I wasn't worried, just raw. It was a strange situation, and I couldn't help but laugh at how many "weird situations" I'd been in this month alone. Was I ever gonna catch a fucking break?

     "Hey, I gotta tell you something," Ruby said as I plopped down on the sectional. He walked over and sat next to me.

     "Everything okay?" I asked, worried that he was gonna take back everything he said in the hospital.

     He nodded. "My mom didn't need help wit' shit. She took me to Bourbon Street and got me fucked up."

     "So that's why you didn't have your car?"

     "But, there's more."

     "Oh shit," I took a slow breath in and waited for him to continue.

     "It's not a big deal, at least I hope not. But my mom called my ex and made me fuckin' talk to her. I don't know, at that point I was already pretty gone. I figured I'd tell you 'cuz of our conversation we had. I'on want you thinkin' I'm some pig," he confessed. His hand made its way through the length of my hair as he spoke, calming me down.

     I didn't know what to think. I mean, I hadn't known him to lie, but I hadn't known him long. I stared into his eyes, searching for a good response. "That's... weird," is all I could think of to say. Ruby just nodded slowly, then kissed my cheek before getting up and telling me he was gonna go to bed.

     Now things were a lot weirder. Did he expect me to be mad? I wasn't really, just unsure. I was unsure of fucking everything after finding out I was still pregnant. And even though that problem was solved, it didn't make anything less odd. I still had worries about my ex, about Ruby's mom, about pregnancy and accidentally getting pregnant in the future... so much still weighed on me. I needed to be free of this shit, and I needed that freedom to come quick.

     I mean, shit. Looking back, I probably should have just gone to a clinic and called Ruby. Yeah, I should have done that, but I was too caught up in my emotions and fears that I didn't. Intense regret was boiling in my veins. How could I have been so stupid? I couldn't dwell on it forever, though, as now I had this whole 'Ruby's ex' situation that he seems to be upset about. Again, I become engulfed in questions of what our "relationship" is.

     I sat there for another few minutes, biting my lip in concentration. Noises from upstairs filled my ears until they stopped, and I knew Ruby had gone to bed. So strange that in an instant, things could get fucking weird. Normally, I'd try and ease the tension with sex, but the doctor told me to take it easy for a day or so. I was out of ideas, so I figured I'd go up to my room and try to sleep or work or do something to take my mind off of the tangled mess that was my life.

     Trying to work wore me out quicker than I thought it would. I started at around midnight and ended up passing out on the floor near the windows by 2, using my sketchbook as a pillow. By morning, I woke up on my bed with a random blanket thrown on me. I got up and changed my clothes before going downstairs to see if Ruby was up.

     To my surprise, he was. I walked further into the kitchen as he finished making himself cereal, unaware of my presence. I opened the fridge and took out a small bottle of orange juice, suddenly feeling his eyes on me.

     "Hey," he said, his voice groggy.

     "Morning," I responded, sitting across from him at the table.