How it Should Be

I Had To

Rey's P.O.V.

Ben didn't leave his mother's bed side for at least an hour after she was gone. The bed was empty, as her body and spirit became one with the force. He knew she was gone but was buying all the time he could get.

I stayed with him, out of not wanting to leave and protecting him. Everyone here has been fighting to destroy what he helped to build, so I can't let him out of my sight. I get Ben's attention as my stomach growls loudly.

"You can go if you want, you sound hungry." Ben says to me.

"You have to be too. Come on let's go get something. She left in peace Ben there's nothing else for us to do."

He stared at the bed blankly, probably wishing he had come back sooner, that he had more time with his mother, and he never murdered his father. I couldn't imagine going through what he is right now. I can see in his mind, and it isn't a pretty sight.

"Okay, lets go." He said with a sigh. He got up from the floor and looked at me. "Come here, it's okay." I said to him and wrapped my arms around him, his went around my waist. I wonder if he can remember the last time someone hugged him. Hugged him first I mean. He's been on the dark side for so long, cold, and cruel.

We broke from our hug and left the room, I lead him to my small quarters Finn marked as mine. He said he didn't want me to go with out a room. I wish he could see Ben from my point of view.

"There's a bathroom in here and there should be spare clothes that fit you if you would like to change. You can stay in here and I can bring you food or you can come with, what ever you want."

"If it's okay, I'd like to stay here. Just feels safer. No one is staring or plotting to kill me." Ben says with a small chuckle, I  frown at him and grab his hands in mine.

"I'll protect you, Ben I promise. They won't hurt you. Now what do you like I'll bring dinner to you." I answer him in a serious tone.

He tells me what he would like and I say okay. I kissed the top of his head before I left the room. I've never seen a more vulnerable person in my life. He's so broken and scared but strong at the same time. He's afraid but doesn't show it.

I walk to the cafeteria at a quick pace, with a hungry stomach and wanting to get back to Ben. Leaving him alone this early scares me because I don't know what everyone thinks. Or what they would do to him if I weren't there to stop them. I feel such a responsibility to him now, more than ever.

I get our meals and rush back to my room, I go to open the door but it's locked from the inside. I didn't lock it when I left.

"Ben, it's Rey can you open the door?" I ask.

I hear the door unlock and it opens to Ben standing there looking worried. "What's wrong?" I ask as I walk in the room with our trays in our hands.

"I heard people trying to get in after you left, and people talking outside the door. I think they were trying to get to me."

"No, Ben that's ridiculous they know not to. I'm not afraid to fight any of them regardless of who they are. Finn Po I don't care. I'll protect you until they understand you." His eyes were sad.

"Cmon let's eat." I set his tray down on the small table in the corner across from mine.

We ate and exchanged a few words. The silence between us was comforting almost, after all we'd been through today there wasn't much to talk about.

Ben broke the silence between us, "I looked for men's clothes in here I didn't find any."

"Alright when we're done I'll take our trays back and pick you some stuff up from storage, is that okay?"

"Yeah I'll just lock the door as soon as you leave again. I'm convinced there were people trying to get in here."

"If anyone does try while I'm gone just call out to me, I'll come running." I smile at him, he smiles back.

We finish our food and I get up to take our trays back, and Ben pulls my hand so I sit back down. I look at him questioningly.

"What if we leave. Leave this all behind, our pasts, being Jedi, everything and just go."

"Ben, we can't just up and leave just yet. There's work to be done and the rest of the first order to be done away with and something sort of like the republic to be built. The galaxy needs something to keep the dark side at bay. The old republic did it for years but they didn't realize they had a Sith Lord at the head of it and that was the downfall. We have good leadership here. Something better can be built. I wanted us to be a part of it."

"But Rey the republic is always going to have someone or something wanting to take it down. When does it end? When will the galaxy not have a war going on? There will always be the good and the bad fighting for power and I don't want to be a part of that anymore. It's destroyed my mind and made me do unspeakable things. I murdered my own father for fucks sake."

"Ben, look at me. Look at me." He stares at the ground, his face getting red and his eyes getting teary.

I get up and kneel down in front of him, still sitting at the table. I put my hands on either side of his face and make him look at me. "Ben, I was there. I saw you do it.  I was a distance away but I saw you and the look on your face. It was instant regret. I knew you from the first time I met you. In the woods at Maz Kanatas palace and you took me, I knew you. I could feel your thoughts mixing with mine. You never wanted to hurt Han. You just wanted to please Snoke. To feel like you belonged to something or someone or like you could please someone in a way you felt you couldn't to your parents or to Luke." He had tears streaming from his eyes.

"You loved them. You may have hurt them, but they also hurt you. They didn't allow you to grow into your own person they wanted you to be someone. They forced you to be someone. And when Luke saw you weren't going to be what they had planned, he failed you. I won't fail you. I will support you in everything you do but you have to trust me. You have to trust me when I say we can't leave. If your mother was building the new Republic would you still want to leave? You are the last Skywalker. It's a responsibility Luke ignored and he hid himself away from it. You have the ability to bring hope to the galaxy again. We can do it together." 

Ben suddenly got up, wrapping me up in a hug, breathing heavily. "Please never leave." Ben said shakily.

"I won't okay? Ben I think you're having a panic attack, sit down."

His breathing quickened as I pulled away from the hug, and I walked him to the bed. He sat on the edge and laid back.

"It's going to be okay, Ben. I promise. I'll be here with you through it all."

He hid his face in his hands and sobbed. I got up to get some toilet paper from the bathroom because I didn't see any tissues around.

He was now laying with his head on the pillow wiping his face with his sleeves. "Here use these." I hand him the tissue.

He whispers a thanks and wipes his face more, "I'm sorry I've always been alone when I have these episodes."

"This has happened before?" I ask him sitting on the edge of the bed next to him.

"More times than I can count. I've been fighting to keep back any sort of emotion for so long because of Snoke. I met you and started to unravel. He sensed that. That's why I had to kill him. To save you and myself. I had to, Rey, I had to."