So, Here I Am

Chapter Thirty Six Laurent Post Lightning

After Larry had taken Maggie to Issy's apartment the day she was released from hospital, Larry went to Laurent's apartment to collect her things.  That night, after everything had happened, Laurent went from room to room, finding her things, looking at them, touching them, smelling them, crying.

Her favourite cups in his kitchen cupboard, one for coffee, one for tea.   Her jewelry she had left on the fire mantle after she had taken it off, the night of the benefit.  The earrings he had bought her.  Her silk and lace slip, that he loved for her to wear when he made love to her, so he could feel her body through it's sensual fabric.  Her perfume and hairbrush in his bathroom. Her scent on his pillows.  It was all too much, and he had to spend the night in a hotel, he just couldn't deal with her things glaring at him the whole time.

When Larry came to collect them, he felt better.  He felt worse.  He felt bereft.  He felt dead. 

Eleni had been calling non stop. Larry had asked her to cancel all their engagements, for the next few days at least.  Because, one, Laurent wouldn't have been able to focus on work anyway, and two, in the quiet time he had, he would have to think about what it was he had done.  Why he had done it.  That's what Larry couldn't figure out, why ?

A boy ? A young boy? After so long ?

Laurent had been bisexual so long ago, Larry didn't think it would be an issue any longer, he hadn't even thought about it.  Maybe he always would be, like it wasn't a choice, he was just born that way.

Laurent moped around his apartment for days, playing games, watching movies, sleeping, crying and trying to call Maggie.  He had to apologise, and if that's all he did for the rest of his life, then that's what he would do.  But she wouldn't pick up when she saw it was him, she didn't return his calls, she erased his messages.  He didn't even want to see Larry.

So Larry took advantage of his time off to be with Issy.  They were growing closer by the day, and all this had brought them closer still.  He had now, he realised, what Laurent had with Maggie. His thoughts went back to the day he saw his brother with Maggie on the porch of their mamas home in Paris, and how he was determined to have that kind of love in his life.  And now he had it, and he was so grateful for it.  For Issy.   But he felt bad for Laurent, only because he was his twin.  He knew no-one else would, in the same situation.

"Les Twins" eventually went back to work, but it was taking the whole village to support the child Laurent was becoming, crying episodes, tantrum throwing, and pouting included in the deal.  Even Larry couldn't calm him down anymore.  He was changing outside of work too.  Once he and Larry would finish for the day, Laurent would go home on his own, giving the excuse that Larry didn't need him anymore, he had Issy.

Larry "I'll always need you, Lau, always. We've shared this love, our love, since before we were born.  I love Issy, yeah, but that's different, you know that."  And without thinking he added    "Look at you and Maggie, you knew that was diff ....." he trailed off as he realised what he had said.   -- Shit, fuck, crap, bollocks -- he thought.  There were not enough expletives in ANY language that could backtrack on that one.

Laurent had also started drinking, not heavily as far as he knew, but enough to dull the pain, make his thoughts and memories of Maggie fuzzy, and to help him sleep without waking in the night in a cold sweat, yelling Maggie's name.

Larry decided an intervention was needed.

Laurent needed help before his path led to more serious self destruction.  Self preservation was so far down the road it was nowhere in sight, and it wasn't coming back anytime soon.  Larry gathered a couple of their closest friends and Eleni.  He didn't want so many people, although many had offered their help, that his brother thought they were all ganging up on him.

They descended on Laurent's doorstep one evening.

He looked a mess.  He'd taken his twists out himself, and his fro was unkempt, unbrushed, dirty. He'd been in the same clothes for days, and he smelled awful.  There was no food in the fridge, just a bottle of vodka.   Larry marched his brother backwards into the apartment

"Ok, first, shower, even if I have to get in there with you and wash you myself.  Then some clean comfortable clothes, some food, then we talk, OK?  We brought food, so we'll cook while you shower.  We'll tidy up a bit " he said, looking around at the rubbish on the floor, a week's worth of take out cartons and glasses in the sink . "OK, a lot " he added " but then we talk.  That's the deal"  Laurent didn't have the strength to argue.  He did as he was told, and after a good dinner and some clean clothes, he felt a little better.   Now the hard part.

Laurent "So you gonna yell at me, Lar? Tell me everything I've done wrong? How I can't go on like this? 'Cos I know all that shit, Lar, I know it, but I can't ..... I can't ......." He couldn't find the words to describe the despair he felt, right down to the depths of his soul.

Larry "No one's gonna yell at you, Lau, we're all here because we want the old Laurent back, or as close to him as we can get" he said as gently as he could.  "And you can do it, you can, if you let us help you, and if you get professional help too, it worked last time".

Laurent "Yeah, but that was different" he said, sad now.

"Doesn't matter, someone can still help you"

"The only person that can help me is Maggie.  I need at least to talk to her, clear the air, try to explain.  I know she'll never forgive me, but I can't do anything, I can't move forward until I at least talk to her."   The diva, the child, the hurt was talking now.  Larry was pissed that Laurent was giving him ultimatums on what he was prepared to do, or not.

Larry "You can't what, Lau ?  Can't work?  Can't see your friends, can't see me?  You want that life for yourself?"  Then the last few words Larry said hit home.  "And even if Maggie, for ONE SECOND considered talking to you, do you think she'd even entertain the idea of talking to this Laurent? THIS Laurent ? So full of self pity, self destruction, loathing of himself?  Seriously ?  You know she wouldn't.  So if you need to talk to her, Lau, make it so she won't regret it"  -- Shit. -- Tough love. -- Why was it so ..... tough?--

Laurent was glaring at Larry now, intensely, almost frighteningly.  But what Larry had said was true.  She wouldn't even look in his direction while he was in this state.

"OK. I do it for Maggie, and I do it for you. But most of all, I do it for myself. Now, what's for dessert ?"