WILD (✓)

~ fourteen ~

Lucas and I are in the kitchen with Mom as she makes dinner for tonight. I haven't been myself for the past couple of days - I can't stop thinking about CJ and at the same time, I can't stop thinking about how awful I am for doing it. For all of it. I shouldn't have even gone to see him the other day. But then the fast paced beating of my heart reminds me how much I enjoyed being around him.

Lucas laughs loudly at something Mom says, something I didn't even hear, and I find myself gazing at him, guilt growing even stronger. He's too good for me. He works his way around the kitchen, natural in our space, comfortable with my mom. He speaks to her and she gets this proud look in her eyes like she's just so happy I've found a good guy. What would she think about CJ? Why do I care?

Lucas leans down and plants a soft kiss on my forehead. "What's going on in that mind of yours, Kat?" He mutters into my ear. I look up at him from my chair and try to keep a straight face.

"Nothing much," I force a small smile.

"Our dear KitKat is probably just getting nervous about grades coming out soon," Mom smiles over her shoulder as she sets the temperature on the oven. "I always tell her she has no reason to worry, but that never seems to stop her." Mom chuckles to herself. Lucas squints at me, not quite convinced, but eventually lets it go when he can't hold my gaze. The thought of grades twists my gut into knots. I need to tell Mom, and I will. I just need time to figure out how. "Don't you normally get them by now, Kat?" Mom wipes her hands down her checkered apron.

I nod nervously. "Usually,"

Mom stares at me, eyes wide with surprise. "You haven't checked yet?" She bumps Lucas with her hip playfully. "Maybe our girl is finally learning to take a breather,"

Lucas chuckles, kneading my shoulders with his hands. "I hope so," This entire conversation is tying new knots in my muscles, no matter how long Lucas massages my stress away. It just keeps coming back.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" She seems excited. "Go ahead, look!" Mom instructs me urgently.

"Mom, not now, we're just relaxing," I groan, feeling nauseous and dizzy all at once.

"I don't mind," Lucas shrugs, oblivious. He got the second interview at the hospital, and he crushed it, of course. He'll start as an intern once the Spring semester kicks back up, working in the ER. I'm so happy for him, and so proud, but part of me is jealous. Here he is, going after what he wants and I can't even figure out what I want.

"Go on, then." Mom pushes. With shaky fingers, I pull up my grades on my phone. I stare wordlessly, still as horrified as I was when I first saw my F. "Well?" Mom is nearly bouncing in her seat. Lucas watches me expectantly and for some reason, admitting it in front of him makes it even more humiliating.

"Um, A's in lit and creative writing," I start easy.

"Oh, for Pete's sake, Kat!" Mom reaches over the island and takes my phone from my hand before I can even flinch. She blinks a couple of times, even zooming in on the screen with two fingers.

"What?" Lucas asks quietly. "Kat?"

I ignore him, eyes glued to Mom's face. I feel the tears threatening to flood over already and she hasn't even opened her mouth yet.

I expect her to be angry. To be furious, even. That would be so much better than the way she looks up at me now, disappointment clouding her expression. "Lucas," she puts on a fake smile. "Could you maybe give us a moment alone?"

Lucas looks from her to me, obviously uncomfortable. "Sure, Mrs. Taylor," he tries to catch my eye one more time before he leaves but I don't dare make eye contact. I'll really lose it if I have to see his worried expression. It's bad enough to feel stupid, I don't need my boyfriend thinking it, too.