WILD (✓)

~ seventeen ~

I watch the older woman typing on her computer, jabbing the keys so hard I'm worried she might break them. Her thick glasses make her eyes appear bigger than they are, but even still, her face is stern with thin lips and a pointy nose. The numerous degrees decorating her walls don't make her any less intimidating.

"So have you started thinking about which schools you're looking to apply to?" Professor Lynch pulls my records up on her monitor, tilting the screen so I can look too. She's actually pretty nice, despite the bored expression she tends to wear and her reputation for being a notoriously hard grader.

I peak at the screen, the F in Biochemistry the only thing I can see, sure she notices it too.

"Um," I stare at her desk when I speak, avoiding her unflinching gaze, "I don't really know. I'm kind of lost with everything actually," In more ways than one, I add to myself.

"Hm, well first things first, we will have to do something about that Fail," Professor Lynch eyes me over her glasses. "What happened there?"

I shrug casually. "I had a hard time with the material." I almost wish she'd tell me that it's nothing to worry about, that I can manage without Biochem. But I know that's just too good to be true.

"Well," she clasps her hands together on her desk. "If you're serious about this, when you do you plan on retaking it?"

I stare back at her and feel the tears pricking my eyes, no matter how hard I try to keep them back. Once they start to flow, I can't stop them, so I finally give in, letting the tears fall as I hang my head in my hands. "Oh, Kat. Here," Professor Lynch pushes her tissue box closer to me and I grab one politely, even if it's useless. The tears don't stop and for awhile, Professor Lynch lets me cry it out, the entire time staring at me with her knowing eyes. I wonder how many other students came in here with big dreams, only to realize there's a huge chance they won't ever get to live them out.

After a bit more talk about the remainder of my pre-med requirements and when I will take them next year, Professor Lynch lets out a deep sigh. "Kat, I'm going to ask you something. And it's not to dissuade you, but the 'rest of your life' is a big decision to make." She pauses to make sure I'm listening. "Why do you want to be a doctor?"

I blink at her a couple of times, unsure of how to answer. I have always wanted this and I could always go on and on about it. Now? What am I holding on to?

She nods her head understandingly, sending her graying bob shaking over her shoulders. "It's a big decision. I don't need an answer now, but you should think about it. Okay? Why don't we do that - go home and think about it and then come back to me,"

Wordless, I grab my backpack off the floor and trudge out of her office, finding myself even more discouraged than I had been before.

I pull out my phone and send Lucas a text asking to call me after he's in for the night. My heart begs me to message CJ, but right now, I need a clear head and CJ makes my thoughts anything but. Lucas, of course, replies immediately saying he'll call as soon as he's out of class.

***

"So what'd your advisor say?" Lucas asks after filling me in on his internship, his sweet face filling up my phone screen.

"Basically she asked if this is what I really want." I shrug.

"What'd you tell her?"

I bite my lip for a minute. "Nothing,"

"Nothing?" Lucas repeats, sounding shocked. "It is what you want, isn't it?"