Deadly Double Love

Deadly Double Love 7

The incessant beeping of my alarm woke me at precisely 6:30 in the morning. I rubbed my eyes and immediately felt pain in my arm. I sat up and looked at my arm and found, to my surprise, a thin, scabbed line across it. I was confused until I remembered what I’d done the night before. I shivered with the memory, feeling sickened by my actions, but I couldn’t shake the memory of the happy feeling it had given me as well. I didn’t want to think about it anymore, and luckily my extreme hunger distracted me.

I quickly showered, pulled some clothes on, and yanked a brush through my hair until it was free of knots. I then rushed downstairs to grab something to eat. My dad and Addie were already there, making their oatmeal. I smiled at my dad and tried to ignore Addie the best I could without making my coldness too obvious. I certainly wasn’t about to eat oatmeal again this morning. If I was cutting back on food, I wanted the things I was going to eat to be good. In the end, I decided to have some fruit. I rummaged through the fruit bowl on the table and pulled out a pear. I wanted to take more of them; I wanted to take the whole bowl. But instead, I grasped the pear firmly and walked to the counter with a grumbling stomach.

I pulled out a cutting board and sliced the pear into eight even pieces. I gathered the pieces in a paper towel and sat at the table. I ate each piece slowly, savoring the taste, trying to make it last longer. But all too soon, it was gone. My stomach was no longer grumbling, but I still felt a pang of hunger deep within me. I ignored it and went upstairs to finish getting ready.

I clambered up the stairs and into my room. I pulled out my makeup and applied it until I no longer recognized who I was. I looked like every other girl that was trying to fit in at school. I had never wanted to fit in, until now. But, I had never been one of those people who were purposely trying to be different either. I had simply been content with being me. I tried to remember how that felt, but I couldn’t.

As I straightened my hair quickly, I daydreamed. I fantasized that instead of being with Addie, Rory had asked me out. I imagined us as a couple and I imagined the whole school being jealous of our love, but also thinking we were incredibly cute together. I sighed and put down the straightener. After glancing at the clock, I hurriedly stuck my contact lenses in and rushed to the car.

I pulled open the passenger seat door, forgetting that it was now Addie’s seat. Without saying a word, I closed the door and sat down in the back once more. Once again, the ride to school was filled with my dad’s conversation with Addie. I remained silent, partly because I didn’t want to disturb them, but also because I had nothing to say to them. The only things on my mind at the moment were my diet and my cut. I couldn’t talk to them about that anyways.

When we pulled up to the school I got out of the car without a word. As soon as we stepped into the chilly air, Addie spotted some friends and ran off to be with them. As I walked towards the school alone, I ran my finger over the cut I’d made in the early hours of the morning. It didn’t hurt anymore, unless I pressed on it. But the pain that came from that wasn’t good like when I’d dragged the scissors through my skin.

As I walked into the school I was greeted by a blast of warm air. I smiled, glad to be inside. I walked down the hall, turned my head to the side to glance at a clock, and ran into someone. It was Rory. I was still completely crushing on him, but since he was with Addie now, I knew I couldn’t make my feelings known.

“Sorry,” I mumbled to him.

“No problem,” he replied. “You look different. It’s nice.” He smiled briefly and then walked away.

My heart leapt as he complimented me, something he’d never done before. Quickly I tried to settle it, remembering that I needed to get over him if he was with my sister. Anyways, he was probably only saying that to be nice because he was with Addie and we were related.  I sighed and walked to class, careful not to bump into anyone else.

When I got to my first period class I took my seat and waited for the three minutes to go by before the bell was to ring. I wondered where Addie was, and then realized she was popular now. Popular kids didn’t come to class until seconds before the late bell.

Since I had a few minutes before class, I closed my eyes for a second. Suddenly, though, the bell rang, jerking me from my daze. I found Addie already next to me and realized I’d drifted off for a few minutes. I rubbed my eyes and tried to pay attention. However, I was much too tired to focus on anything at all. I went through my classes in a daze until lunch. I knew it would be hard to sit in the cafeteria with a rumbling stomach and not eat anything, but I had to do it.I sat down in the lunchroom by myself at my table in the corner. As the period progressed, I became extremely aware of all of the different smells of the cafeteria. They were all delicious. My mouth watered as I spotted cheeseburgers, pizza, sandwiches, cookies, cupcakes, and soda. I wanted to eat so badly that I almost went up to one of the vending machines to buy a snack.

But, as I reached to my pocket for a dollar, I commanded myself to stop. I told myself I didn’t deserve to eat. I told myself I was a fat, ugly pig and getting a calorie and fat loaded snack from a vending machine was not going to change that for the better. I sat on my hands so I wouldn’t be tempted again.