Deadly Double Love

Deadly Double Love 8

As soon as the agonizing lunch period was over, I leapt out of my seat and ran to my next class. I was hoping to slip back into my half-asleep daze for the rest of school so I wouldn’t have to think about anything, but I couldn’t. The hunger gnawing at my stomach wouldn’t let me. So I was forced to be alert in my classes and aware of my hunger. I tried to pay attention to the teachers, but what they were saying simply did not interest me. So I concentrated on the people. I noticed little things about my classmates. Like how the girl two desks in front had a small blue stain on the hem of her white shirt. And how that boy one desk to the right of me still had some of his lunch in his teeth.

I sat impatiently through the remainder of my classes, anxious to go home. When the end of the day bell finally rang I was the first one out the door. I decided not to go to my locker to get my homework. It wasn’t like I was planning on doing it anyways. I got to the car first and opened the passenger side door. I slid into the seat and looked at my dad.

“Hi,” I said in a small voice.

“Kitty,” he began in a voice that made me certain I would not like what he had to say. “Would you mind sitting in the back?”

“But why?” I whined in a small voice.

“Well, Addie is still adjusting to life here and so it would be nice to have one thing constant.”

“You mean I never get to sit up front anymore? But I like sitting with you,” I whispered.

“Sorry Kitty, but I’m just thinking of what would be best for Addie right now. You know she’s going through a lot.”

“I am too,” I said, so quietly that there was no chance he would hear me. I got out of the car and shut the door softly before sitting down in the back seat. I hated this, I hated it so much. If he thought Addie was going through a lot right now, he ought to take a look at my life. I felt like I was broken inside, like I was made of glass and someone had shattered it. My soul lay in pieces at the bottom of my stomach.

“Hey sweetheart,” I heard my dad say as Addie sat down in the front seat. He grinned at her in such a way that I could tell he was proud that she was his daughter. Not at all the way he looked at me. I felt sick to my stomach and I felt the strange urge to do something, but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was.

The rest of the ride I listened to my dad and Addie have a great time while I sat in the back, feeling destroyed. When we finally got home I shot out the dorr and up to my room, dragging my book bag behind me. I stood in the middle of my room for a minute, and then decided to see how much weight I’d lost. I wasn’t hoping for a lot, just a small loss to show I was making progress and that it was all worth it. I went into my bathroom and stepped onto the scale. I took a deep breath and looked down at the number.

When I saw it, I could hardly believe my eyes. I hadn’t lost any weight at all! In fact, I had actually gained weight! When I had stepped on the scale the night before, I had been 131 pounds, which was just almost overweight for someone who was 5’1, like me. Today, I was 134 pounds. I couldn’t believe it, I just couldn’t.

I stepped off of the scale and stumbled back into my room. My new weight made me feel awful. As if I didn’t feel bad enough already. Not only could I not get a guy right, or be have my dad like me right, now I couldn’t even lose weight right. I felt like everything was wrong and there was nothing I could do to make it right. I hurt inside, right though to my core.

Suddenly, I felt the same urge I felt while driving home. For a moment, I wasn’t sure what it was, but then I realized. It was the urge to cut.

I walked over to my desk, still feeling that hurt in the pit of my stomach, and grabbed the scissors. I opened them up and slid the blade across my arm, right next to the cut from last night. I held my breath as I felt the pain provide me with a rush of happiness. I stood there, staring at the blood coming from my cut, until I felt the happiness start to fade. I felt the hurt start to return and I blotted my cut with a tissue to get rid of the blood. I cleaned off the scissors too and put them back on my desk.

I collapsed onto my bed and looked at the incisions on my arm. I smiled at them, because I knew that I finally had something on the outside to match the pain I felt on the inside.