If I Were Allowed To Love You

Ten

The car ride was silent other than Melissa pointing out directions. She didn't live too far away from Tamara's, just a ten-minute drive. There were many things she wanted to say to Ryan, plenty of questions. She didn't know when the next time she would be able to speak to him alone would be. She could see him at the library, but he was working. The pretzel stand was no good either, because it was where she worked. Sunday was the safest option, but she would be in Theo's house meeting their parents. She couldn't wander away from the group and speak to Ryan alone.

There was something about Ryan that drew her in. She wondered if he felt the same attraction. It was wrong to feel that way, she knew. Her friendship with Theo would not be ruined due to an attraction to his brother that would eventually go away. And once she finished reading Pride & Prejudice she would no longer have a reason to see Ryan. As long as she didn't go to Theo's house anymore, her feelings for him would eventually go away.

Unbeknownst to her, the opposite thoughts presided in Ryan's mind. It didn't matter if she was Theo's best friend; mates were mates. If one was lucky enough to find their mate, they were not to let them go under any circumstances. Theo knew that. And soon Melissa would as well. And after Sunday's dinner, he knew he would be able to convince her to go out with him for an evening. After that date, he intended to kiss her cheek. After one kiss, the bond would be ignited, and she'd want to spend as much time with him as he did with her, thus allowing himself to prove himself to her. He'd never stop proving himself to her.

With her hand lying on its side on the console, he wanted to grab her hand. Hold it tight in his grip. But he refrained. He didn't want to do anything that would upset her and make her uncomfortable. As her mate, he was meant to be the one person she felt the safest next to. The person she could go to with any concerns at all. He'd do nothing to ruin that trust.

"Take a right- Not at this stoplight but at the stop sign up ahead," Melissa pointed out. Folding her hands back in her lap, she scratched her ear and bravely asked, "How do you know Evie?"

"We went to high school together. Believe it or not, but we were part of the same clique."

She smirked. "Depends on the clique."

"Goths."

Letting out a flabbergasted laugh, she said, "You? No. What? Not with those brown shoes."

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Mock me all you want, but I have kept the hair. I can't see myself going back to that style ever again."

"I do like your hair," she stated, blushing at the confession before glancing out the passenger window. "It suits your face."

"Thank you. I like your blue hair."

"Theo bought me the dye," she quickly replied. "Well, actually, he gave it to me after his failed attempt."

Ryan snickered under his breath. "I remember that. It was partially my fault. I did help him dye it."

"So you were the one to cause that atrocity. I don't know if I should thank you or not. It was quite the sight to behold."

"Theo would never agree."

"Yeah, but that's Theo. His hair was more of an enjoyment for us than him."

Ryan laughed. "Yeah, I guess that's true."

Taking a right, he began to drive through Melissa's tiny neighborhood before she told him to stop. He glanced around him, looking for a house nearby as she took off her seatbelt. "I can take you to your house. I don't feel comfortable dropping you off in the middle of nowhere."

Sheepishly pointing at the trailer in a ditch, she said, "That's where I live. The next house is a little further down. It's a small neighborhood, only ten houses, but we're all widely spread. And if you drive this car down there, I don't think you'll be able to drive it back up."

Chuckling, Ryan moved his hair out his eyes as he smiled. "Thank you for letting me drive you home." Eyes widening, he shook his head. "That came off wrong. I just meant I don't trust buses at night- Not that there's anything wrong with taking buses-"

"I understand what mean," she stated, her eyes flashing a knowing glint. "I appreciate it as well. But don't tell Theo."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"He's never been to my house, let alone seen it."

"Oh, he can get over himself."

"It's more the fact that I don't want him or anyone else to see where I live. I only let you know since you drove me home."

Braving a chance, he reached out to hold Melissa's hand, giving it a small squeeze. "Your house doesn't reflect who you are. You live where you live because it's where you can afford to live and take care of yourselves. Anyone who makes fun of you or makes you feel shameful for surviving can go fuck themselves. They don't understand, so they don't get to talk about it in any negative way."

Throwing her arms around his neck, she hugged him tight. The moment she felt his arms tighten back around her, she released the tension in her body and snuggled closer to him. Safe. That was what she felt the most in his arms. No one to shame her. No one to be afraid of her. She had him, and he was there for her.

He held her close. She was close. This was an opening, a chance to kiss her. Just one simple kiss on the side of her head, and she'd be analyzing it until the next time she saw him, until the next time he kissed her. She wouldn't stop until he kissed her lips.

And he almost did kiss her then, but she pulled away with a misty smile before bidding him goodnight and leaving the car. Placing a hand on the steering wheel and squeezing it tight, he exhaled and smiled. She trusted him enough to hug him, and that to him was a win.

Walking down the hill to her trailer, she opened the door and found her father seated on his velvet armchair with a cup of tea in lap. "How was the party?"

"Nice. I met Tamara's cousins. They're in the circus, and they were doing party tricks and...I joined them."

"No one was hurt, right?"

"No, sir."

"Good." He looked at her with a smile. "As long as you all had fun. That's what matters the most."

"I bet it would be nice to be in a circus or something," she stated as she sat in her armchair next to his. There was no couch in the living room, only two chairs with a small, circular, wooden table between them. "It would give me a reason to use my gift."

"You use it to keep yourself protected and safe in case an asshole tries to attack you."

"Still," she sighed, "it would be nice to have another use for it. Like a summer traveling gig or something."

He scoffed. "You're not actually thinking about joining the circus, are you?"

Hearing the mocking tone in his voice, she shook her head and whispered, "No, sir."

"I don't care if you do," he stated. "You're going to be graduating in the spring. You can do whatever you want, but knowing you, I think the hatred you will quickly feel for the circus will overshadow your love for throwing knives. I just don't want you to do anything you'd regret."

"That's why I would only do it for the summer," she mumbled.

Turning off the TV, her father placed his mug on the table and stood up. Leaning over Melissa, he kissed her head with a smile. "Give it one summer, and you will hate it." Moving towards his bedroom, he said, "Goodnight, honey."

"Goodnight, sir." Grabbing his half empty mug of tea, she walked into her own room and sat it on her side table. As nice as it would be to join the circus for showing off her knife throwing skills, she knew she'd only want to be part of Lucas's. At least that way, she'd know she'd be in an accepting atmosphere. No longer would she would be the crazy knife girl.

She'd be Melissa Duff, the girl who never misses. 

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