Valace

Chapter Eighteen: Thoughts

Liv and I drove back to my house because I felt the need to take a shower and she looked exhausted. I parked and we went in, the main floor was pretty silent. Guessing my mom was still gone and my dad was either asleep or somewhere else, I went straight upstairs with Liv in tow. She stripped and climbed into my bed in her bra and underwear, I went into the bathroom and turned the shower on. Liv smiled at me when I peeked back into my bedroom to get my towel. She was half asleep and I knew she would be completely out when I got out of the shower.

I kissed her head and went back into the bathroom, climbing into the hot shower. I sat on the seat and thought about my whole night, my whole life. I gained a lot of information from my dad earlier and from Aklia tonight. I guess my mom did know I left so I knew my father hadn’t kidnapped me when my mother was asleep or something equally as crazy, she knew she had to send me away to protect me and maybe to protect my whole family. Perhaps my whole kingdom too, wait no that was not my kingdom. That was their kingdom, at least for now. All of this happened because of my grandmother. I got taken away from my mom and my dad from his wife. I don't know any of my siblings because of my mother’s mother. I was really wondering why this woman hated my father so much to turn around and take it out on me and my whole family.

I closed my eyes and re-watched parts of my dad’s story, the movie he played for me in another form. I watched their first dance, the wedding, my birth and my 'disappearance'. I watched it again and again, happy memories ending sadly. Then I let my own memories play, growing up here, meeting Liv and her family, school, dad, Xan, Alex, then I wondered what would be different.

I wouldn't have met my friends; I would have never met Liv. I would have grown up around royalty and fancy parties. A million dresses and royal ways, I wonder what those even are. It seems like queens and princesses are just little girls playing dress up and tea party forever; or maybe that's just what the movies show. Liv could be right; all of those movies and TV shows and books could all just be made up stuff that someone wrote when they were bored.

My thoughts suddenly took off wildly and I had no clue what I was thinking anymore. I tried to breathe and clear my mind. I opened my eyes and pressed them closed tighter and tighter again and again. After a few times I was able to see the white shower walls and the red floor.

"Great another black out and cutting fit" I said out loud to the walls. "Maybe I am going insane?" I asked no one. "Okay let's talk this out" I sighed; I was talking to myself. "I am a normal American girl" I paused, "I am a normal American girl." I kept saying it again and again, maybe it I say it enough I will convince myself.

"I am a normal girl with a normal, easy type life", I said that three times. Then I smiled; I thought my life would be easier, but I was lying to myself when my brain told my heart I was normal. As much as I was trying to convince myself I was normal it was never going to happen, I am not normal, and I never will be.

I sat in the shower a little longer until it was to cold, then I got out and dried off. I brushed my hair and my teeth; I went into my room to find Liv sleeping in my bed as I had predicated. I looked at the clock it was almost seven, I had been in the shower for almost two hours. I rummaged through my drawers, finding a long sleeve shirt and some shorts. Then I climbed into my bed and laid down beside Liv. I just stared at my ceiling thinking. My arm was burning from the fresh cuts on top of the old ones. I tried to ignore the feeling and my thoughts. I wanted some sleep, after a half an hour of laying there I decided to just get up, I wasn't going to fall asleep anyways. I walked around my room picking up aimless things and moving them. I found my phone and Liv's, I plugged them in and sat at my vanity table.

I just stared at myself trying to figure out what someone like me would be like if I was palace raised. I thought of huge dance parties, beautiful ballrooms and princes from near and far. Everyone seems so beautiful in my visions, I wondered if movies were anything like reality. I sighed out loud and then jumped when Liv shifted in bed. She didn't even sit up or say anything to me she just twisted her body to the other side and nothing more. I sat still for another moment, I yawned and decided to try the bed thing again.

Liv curled up to me and this time I actually fell asleep. I dreamt of angels in the sky, and wolves running free. I was the leader of the pack and we ran together through strange lands. I decided the land would be my home, I was running with some wolves I met already and some I didn't. I decided this would be a happy dream, I was running through my homelands with my siblings and some guards. Exploring the land and learning to understand my future kingdom. I decided I was learning how to run my own kingdom.

I was guessing that this was how royal wolves were raised, disappearing into the land, running as fast as jets, exploring and protecting the kingdom all at once. I cried a little as the dream changed, I watched some old women steal my siblings away and kill them and my father in front of my mother and myself. I woke to tears flowing down my face and Liv's arms wrapped around me.

"Hush love. Hush, hush, hush my love" she basically hummed to me.

I let the tears fall until they stopped on their own. Liv held onto me until I was calm, she then asked what was wrong. Taking my hands in hers she kissed the cuts that were scattered across my arm. I just watched her, wondering how she could care enough to try to love me even though I was so broken. I saw myself as worthless space in the mirror, but I saw myself as something else when I looked into Liv's eyes. Liv moved and got out of bed, she checked her phone and I got up to check mine. “So, what is wrong”, Liv asked me. I stretched and Liv walked back over to me.

"Nothing is wrong, I just let my thoughts run a little too wild" I said without meeting her eyes.
She didn't respond, instead she shifted her weight and pushed me back into my bed, pressing her lips to mine as she climbed on top of me then straddling me. We kissed for awhile until Liv shifted and climbed off of me. She settled on my pillows and pulled me into her.

"This time I take care of you," she said, then she kissed my head.

I laid on her chest and she held me long enough for me to start to actually calm down, she played with my hair as she held me, humming some random lullaby. I’m not sure if she was just trying to calm me down or if she wanted to put me to sleep. After I calmed down completely and relaxed into her, she tipped my head to kiss me and then she pushed me off of her. I sat up and looked at her, she sat up and adjusted the blanket, so I leaned back into the pillows, figuring she was going to lay on me now.

I closed my eyes as she moved towards me. I felt her shift in the bed and climb back on top of me, twisting and turning about until she pulled the blanket up around her and then tucked it around me. She laid on top of me and stared at me as I started to drift back to sleep. I just laid there and stared at her until I fell into dreamland again. I remember her head brushing mine as she snuggled in closer. I started to snore and then faded into a dream about graduating and living in a palace, living the eternal life of dress up and tea parties. Liv loved it. As the dream went on, we partied together and danced and had fun.

Then we found out that I had to wed, a man. Liv was heart broken and so was I. The last part of the dream, I kissed a man, after we said I do. He told me he was sorry as we walked through all the people watching us, including Liv who was in tears.

I woke up to find her sleeping on my chest and I concentrated solely on breathing until my heart rate slowed. I guess I found a new nightmare to have.