BLACK | jung jaehyun [on hold]

twenty six

even if i couldn't strike up the nerve to tell him i loved him earlier, i knew i've felt this way since our first words together.

i just didn't imagine he would completely avoid me like this.

if he had something to say, why didn't he do so?

if he wanted to leave me, why didn't he tell me?

why can't jaemin just do as he wants and relieve my suffering?

because i don't want to be that girl who's still clinging onto someone she knows isn't going to benefit her anymore.

i don't want to cling onto jaemin when i know he doesn't love me anymore.

that's what all the delivered messages and missed calls mean, right?

that jaemin doesn't have a place for me in his heart anymore.

it's as simple as the alphabet but jaemin won't say those simple words to tell me we're through.

so what if i say it?

regardless of how much it'll hurt me and how many tears will fall, what if i end the suffering myself?

what will he think?

will jaemin be bothered?

or will he just brush it off and leave me be as if he's done ever since i poured my heart out?

will he care?

• • •

jaehyun walked around the campus with seri by his side.

he was really getting used to her company but somehow, he couldn't stop thinking about you.

it's been a few weeks and the tensions between the two of you still weren't exactly as smooth as you had planned it to be.

there were still moments when he would imagine seri as you.

he would imagine your hair and soft, bitten lips that contrasted your sensitive skin.

instead, he would imagine running his fingers over your closed eyes and over your nose.

jaehyun wanted to hold your hand in his and run his thumb over your smooth hands that were always cold.

he wanted to warm up your soul and give you the love you deserved.

and as sad as this may be to him, seri by his side was not what he had intended.

maybe he's just grown comfortable with her, but she was not someone he saw his future with.

it's just difficult to remember and focus on his feelings when his mother constantly reminds him that his happiness was what mattered the most.

but what his mother didn't know was that every living breath without you at his side was drowning him even more than before.

jaehyun missed you, bad.

but he still turned to laugh with seri when she said something adorable.

• • •

right, now is the time.

i need to do this and get things over with to spare my heart.

i thought i should have taken out my phone and dialed his number.

i thought i should just say the words that needed to be heard.

but instead, i'm in front of his dorm building.

i find myself clenching my knees with my fingernails hard, nervous because of what i'll say.

i know all that i want to say, i'm just afraid of what will happen.

i'm afraid i'll make myself a sobbing mess if i beg for him to love me.

but i'm also afraid i'll be a broken mess if he leaves me standing here.

i don't want him to go.

"y/n? what are you doing here?"

his voice is so visible to my ears, i can't get it out of my head.

until he turns me around is when i'm still stuck in my thoughts.

"jaemin.."

i say, tears brimming in my eyes.

jaemin is quick to pull me into a tight hug, holding me close as the tears threaten to fall.

i haven't seen or talked to him in what seemed like years but was only weeks.

i'm afraid i'm already broken.

"why are you crying? what's wrong?"

he asks as he rubs and pats my back in a way that lets me know he's got me.

i clench my eyes and clutch onto his shirt, tight.

"if you want to leave then you can."

i say, fighting against the urge to cry out.

jaemin tenses up and only holds me closer to him.

"i-i won't leave you, i promise."

he says and i can feel the nervousness in his body against me.

he's shaking with fear of what will happen next.

"you know, avoiding someone is not what a person can do by accident, jaemin. you have someone else, i know."

i say, pulling myself away from him and lightly wiping the escaped tears from my cheeks with my long sleeves.

jaemin can only stay silent.

there's nothing on his mind that he wanted to add to it because there is nothing that he could say to make the tears stop.

"can we please stop what we have now?"

i ask, on the verge of tears again.

i look straight into jaemin's eyes and they shake, glossy and wide.

there were quite a few people watching our interaction, our feud and all.

then i'm caught off guard.

"i'm so fucking sorry."

was all i hear from his lips before a deep voice from someone watching calls out my name from the school beside the boys' dorm building.

and i turn my head.