Sunshine (Take Two Sequel)

Chapter 38: Lilly

Roger and I took the twins home about three days later. They were both healthy and beautiful, but Roger and I were nervous. In the hospital things were easy. I fed Everly when the nurses brought her to me, and I tried to feed Audrey, although it was more difficult. Roger occasionally changed diapers, but the nurses mostly took care of them in the nursery. At home, it all fell on us. Feeding, diapers, rocking and comforting our daughters was all up to us. We immediately ran into problems when we got home and we couldn't figure out how to get the car seats out of our car. I was on one side and Roger was on the other, trying to get the babies out.

"It's stuck," Roger said.

"Well don't shake it!" I snapped. "If you shake it too much, you could kill her!"

"What?" Roger snapped back.

"Have you never heard of shaken baby syndrome?" I asked. "You can't shake a baby!"

"I'm not shaking Audrey!" He said.

"You're right," I said. "Because that's Everly. You can't even tell your own daughters apart!"

"They're identical twins and they're three days old!" Roger snapped. "What do you want from me?" Roger kept fighting with the car seat until Everly started crying.

"Look, it's getting dark and we're both exhausted," I said. "Let's just leave the car seats. Just take her out of it and I'll take Audrey and we'll go inside." Roger sighed and nodded, unbuckling Everly and taking her inside. I did the same with Audrey and they calmed down when we holding them. We went inside and tried to put all their stuff down when we smelled something foul.

"I guess you have to change Audrey's diaper," Roger said to me.

"No I don't," I said. "Audrey smells wonderful. That's Everly's diaper, which means it's on you."

"I changed all the diapers in the hospital," Roger said.

"I did all the feeding," I said. "And I'm going to have to for at least a year."

"We're going to be doing diapers for the next three years," he said. "Maybe longer if we have more kids."

"Oh, we're not having anymore kids," I said. "Two is enough. My vagina is still sore and all these two do is poop, cry and suck on my nipples!"

"You're the one who wanted to breast feed," he said. "At least that's more fun than diapers."

"Fun?" I said. "It's not fun! Everly sucks until my nipples are raw while Audrey hardly ever latches! It's frustrating and painful!"

"I thought it was supposed to be a beautiful bonding experience," Roger said.

"So did I," I said with a sigh. I held back a few tears as I hugged Audrey.

"I'm sorry, baby," Roger said.

"I'm fine," I said. "It's just... hormones." Roger knew I was lying, but I would never admit it.

"Honey-"

"I'll change Everly," I said, interrupting him. I gently laid Audrey on the rug and took Everly from him. I grabbed the diaper bag and went upstairs with her, leaving Roger with Audrey. When I got upstairs, I laid Everly on the changing table and changed her diaper, which she cried through. She didn't like being changed.

"Please," I whispered. "Please stop crying, Everly. It's alright, I'm your mommy. I'm just getting you a clean diaper." I changed her pretty fast. I had a lot of experience with diapers because of Reagan and my nieces and nephews. Once she was changed, I picked her up and sat in the rocking chair.

"Are you hungry?" I said softly as I pulled my shirt up. I started feeding her and winced when she latched on. I really hope this gets better at some point. I dealt with it and stroked her head softly as she ate.

"I don't know what I'm going to do Everly," I said. "Your sister never wants to latch and you suck me dry. Your daddy and I used to be so close and now we can't stop fighting. I love him, sweetie, I really do, but... I don't know what happened. We were so close when you were in my belly and at the hospital, but now that we're alone, I think we're both just nervous. We love you and your sister so much, babygirl... but can I tell you a secret? We've never done this before." Everly cooed as she kept eating and I giggled softly. I started crying as I held her closer.

"I love you so much," I whispered softly. "And I'm just so nervous I'm going to mess this up. I think you're daddy's nervous too. I think he's worried he's going to end up like his daddy. His daddy is a very bad man who hurt your daddy, and you will never meet him. I think daddy's worried he'll end up like him, but he won't. He would never, ever hurt his little girls like that."

"Damn right, I wouldn't," Roger said, walking into the room with Audrey.

"How long have you been standing there?" I asked him.

"I just came upstairs," he said. "I heard you on the baby monitor." He placed Audrey in her crib and sighed.

"So I guess you heard everything?" I asked, putting Everly in her crib as well. Roger sighed.

"How did you know?" He asked me. "That I was afraid of... well you know." I hugged him from behind and kissed his shoulder.

"I know you," I said. "Better than you think."

"I'm never going to do that, you know," Roger said. "I would never dream of putting my hands on them like that."

"I know," I said. "What I don't know is why you're so worried about it."

"I don't know," I said. "I just... they say we end up like our parents, like it's inevitable. If I end up like my dad-"

"You won't," I interrupted. "You're ten times the man he ever was!"

"Am I?" Roger asked. "I punched Nick."

"He tried to kill me!" I said. "That was justified!"

"Was it justified when I hit Ben?" He asked me.

"Honey that was years ago!" I said. "You've gotten help since then and Ben forgave you."

"I suppose," he said with a sigh.

"Roger," I said softly. "Look at these two tiny humans that we created. When you look at them, do you honestly think you could ever hit either one of them?"

"Never," Roger said softly.

"Then you have nothing to worry about," I said. Roger smiled softly and kissed my forehead.

"We should get some sleep," he said. "We're not going to get many chances to do that for the next few years." I laughed softly and agreed, walking to bed with Roger. We were only asleep for about two hours when I heard crying. I let Roger sleep and walked into the nursery. I picked up Audrey and carried her into my room so she wouldn't wake Everly. I sat down on the end of the bed and decided to try feeding her, although she never wanted to latch. She was screaming as I tried to get her to eat.

"Come on, sweetie," I whispered. "Just eat, please! You're sister loves it, I bet you will too!" She was still screaming. I looked back at Roger, who was still sleeping, and I had a thought. I looked back at my screaming infant and started singing Blackbird softly. She suddenly stopped screaming and finally latched. I sighed in relief and continued singing to her while she ate. I suddenly felt Roger's arms wrap around my belly as he rested his head on my shoulder.

"She's eating," Roger said softly.

"Finally," I said with a smile. Roger smiled and kissed my cheek. I turned towards him and kissed his lips. He smiled and stroked my hair as we pulled away.

"We can do this," he whispered. I smiled and nodded in agreement. We can definitely do this.