30 Days & Counting - Sanders Sides

Day 28

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts

"So, are you excited?" Dr. Picani asked me as I sat down across from him in his office. I was called to a final appointment with the doctor before my release in two days. His office was super cute and cozy. He had one wall that was decorated floor to ceiling in the different pride flags, which I thought was really neat. He had a variety of cartoon posters and stuffed animals laid on his bookshelves and the couch I was now sitting in.

"Nervous...but a good nervous." I told him, flashing him a smile.

"Well, I think you know just as well as I do, that you've done so well here. And, whether you'll admit it to yourself or not, you're almost ready to take on the real world again." He assured me, shuffling through my file. When he worded it that way, it made me feel less confident about rejoining society. But I knew I was ready. "Let's look over your progress, shall we?"

"Please." I said, curious about it myself. He pulled out my document from my file and then a different off his clipboard.

"This is your document from after your half month check in. After the first 15 days is where we usually see patients thrive more as opposed to the first 15 days where you're still getting the hang of things." He explained. Finally, he began reading the second document.

'Virgil as been soaring these past couple days. I think seeing his mother has pushed him to new heights. I was informed of what happened the other week, however. My thoughts were correct. Damion's lust blinded his compassion. I wish I could say I'm surprised. Anyway, the nurses say he's handled it very well. Apart from a night terror, which was expected at some point, he has not seemed to let the issue dwell in his mind.

'Our talk in The Culture Room was successful. He sees no reason to not forgive Damion. And for that: I am proud of him. I've noticed he does not react to bad situations by spiraling into panic frenzies anymore. Instead, he takes a breath, and excepts that bad situations are a part of life. The best thing he can do is to keep on fighting. Because I know, that's what his friends, his mother, and Roman want him to do.'

I was bubbling with tears as he finished reading his words. I sucked in an emotional breath, wiping my eye line with my finger. I saw Picani remove the paper from his face. He too, had tears of joy brimming in his eyes. He took off his glasses and placed them on his desk, drying his eyes with the palm of his hands.

"I always hate my final appointments with the patients like you, Virgil." He mumbled, choking out a laugh.

"What do you mean?" I asked him. He reattached his glasses to his face, getting a good look at me.

"I enjoy the patients that I see myself most in." He said, leaning back in his chair. "You remind me of my younger self. I saw it in you the moment we first met. You were shy and quiet. You had so many ideas trapped in your head that you were too afraid to let free. But now, you're blossoming. The world is in your hands. It always was. But now, I see you have the confidence to take it."

"You were like that?" I asked him.

"More or less. I see myself within your entire group of friends. Which is why it makes me sad to see you leave. You've brought out the best in them and given each of them hope in their recovery paths." I smiled at that fact. It was a joyous thought to thing just by being here, I've done so much for my friends without even trying.

"You talked about holding in your ideas and thoughts. Is that why you think we're similar?" I questioned.

"Yes." He simply said, scooting forwards in his seat. "You see Virgil, I grew up with a family of doctors and nurses and every other thing medical. I was always told I was going to be just like my father or my mother when...really...I was into art and animation. Cartoons fascinated me; to the point where, every Saturday morning, I was up before the sun to watch the Saturday Morning Cartoons. I had plans to send myself to an art school and finally let my ideas free. But...something happened." He paused, taking a second to gather his thoughts.

"I got second thoughts about myself and my dream. I was inches away from having my dreams become my reality. But I grew weary about how I'd be able to support myself, and possible future family if I was just an artist. I took society's advise and went down the medical path. I constantly looked back, knowing that I wasn't living to my full potential." He sighed, tapping his pen against his desk.

"So...you backed away from being who you really were?" I clarified.

"I stepped out of my own shoes to go be in shoes that society had chosen for me. Not a day in my life where I don't look back at that moment in regret. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and where I work but...the thought that I could've been so much more." He trailed off, looking downwards. I felt really bad for him. I stood up from my chair and swallowed him in a hug. He gasped in subtle shock before returning the hug.

He pulled away from me, staring into my soul. "I want you to take what you love and run with it, Virgil. Please, don't make the choices I made. Because, at the end of our roads, would you rather live successful in society's eyes or live happily in your own?"

I smiled at him, hearing my heart beat with the truth and power behind his words. He cleared his throat as I sat back down on the couch. "I'm sorry for making this all about me. I just wanted you to know that." He said, giving me a nervous breath.

"You didn't make this all about you. You just made your lesson relate to you to get on a personal level with me. I appreciate it." I told him, watching him smile.

"Let's get on with it then. How do you feel about your life outside SJMH?" He asked.

"Confident." I replied.

"How did you feel when you first came here?" I brought myself mentally back to when Mother and I first drove into the parking lot. I was scared out of my mind. I was worried that I was too far broken to be fixed and that the doctors would agree. I was worried Mother would forget about me. I was worried I'd kill myself before giving myself a chance to heal.

"Afraid." I answered.

"Why?"

"I never gave myself the chance. I never thought someone like me could learn the error in my ways and eventually correct it." I explained. Picani wrote this all down, a smile bringing itself to his face.

"Thank you for that, Virgil. I'm afraid our time is up. But I look forward to see your name on the covers of books." He said, winking at me. I blushed, not realizing he had seen me write in my journal before. I stood up from the couch, walking over to the door.

"Thank you Dr. Picani." I chirped, exiting the room for the final time.