Why is Everything so Loud?! (Fem. Percy)

Midnight Thoughts

The clock turned over. The glowing green lights of the battery powered clock hurt my eyes. I groaned and rolled onto my back. I pressed my palms against my eyes before sitting up. I haven't slept at all tonight.

I know I need to get up at six, Chiron wants me to talk to him about the new campers and how they're doing with their training. But no matter how hard I try, I can't fall asleep. It's almost like Morpheus is getting back at me. I know he's the god of dreams, but he was the deity who put Manhattan to sleep.

I stared up the bunk above me, unable to make out any details. It's so funny. Nobody wants me to do anything else but smile and look like the pretty little poster child of Olympus. They want me to train the other demigods and besides that, they can't care less.

Has anyone so much as asked me how I'm doing? No. Has anyone asked to hang out with me? No.

It's been almost a month since the battle, but nobody has done anything to see if I'm okay. It's not like I can blame them. They have their own friends to mourn, and dealing with me would only make that harder.

Dad hasn't even checked in on me. Not so much as a note or even a dream. I'm not saying he needs to personally come see me, but... I swallowed.

I'm nothing more than a weapon to everyone. I fight and then I'm shoved away. I know I'm right. I don't matter. I'm a disappointment to camp and to Olympus. I wiped my eyes. It would have been better if I had died in the battle. If I had died instead if my friends, if I had been on the boat, if I'd taken the knife. Things would have been so much better for everyone.

The longer I dwelled in my thoughts, the worse the pain in my chest got.

Flashes of deaths clouded my vision, leaving me curled with my knees tucked to my chest. I'm just...I'm so fucking worthless. I couldn't save them. Any of them. How can I call myself a hero when I can't save my friends? When I can't save the people I care the most about?!

A sob broke past my lips and I quickly covered my mouth. There shouldn't be anyone outside, but if there is I don't want them to hear me.

They probably want rid of me as it is. I can keep fighting, but the saying goes you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain. Everyone wants me to die before that happens, you can see it on their faces. They look at me and they see everyone who I've gotten killed and I can just tell they're thinking to themselves, what will happen if she turns against us?

The bad thing is, I don't know the answer to that. I don't want to hurt anyone, but what if it's not up to me? What if something makes me snap and I raze the entirety of camp? I've had a nightmare about it, what if it wasn't a nightmare? What if it was a demigod dream? A warning of what I'd eventually cause?

I couldn't breathe, my chest moving at a rapid pace. My eyes widened and I ran my fingers through my hair as I shook. My fingers caught in knots, but I kept pulling trying to stop my hyperventilating.

A loud thud cut the air as I rolled off my bed and onto the floor. I started under my bed, at the clothes I've hidden there.

I laid there, even after my panic attack had passed. My mind was blank and I couldn't feel anything. It wasn't a good feeling. And in the brief moments the emptiness would subside, all I felt was a stabbing guilt in the pit of my stomach.

Maybe I should go talk to-

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I yelled at myself, before I even finished the thought. "They won't care. Nobody cares." Tears pooled beneath my cheek. Even if they let me talk to them they'd only be listening to be nice, or they'd just be pretending to listen. I'd just be annoying them. I don't want to make them hate me more then they already do. They have to hate me. There's no way they don't.

So many people have died. So many people died because I exist. If I was never born, none of this would have happened. Chiton wouldn't have started issuing quests again, Thalia never would have been revived, Nico and Bianca never would have been taken out of the hotel, the first prophecy wouldn't have happened, Rachael wouldn't be hosting the Oracle, and the second prophecy would have never been spoken.

My friends, my family, wouldn't have died.

I picked myself up and I managed to climb into my bed. I gathered my blankets and pulled them up over my head. I need to sleep. I need to sleep. I'm not much use to camp anymore, but if I don't get sleep then that little bit of use disappears. I need to be able to do something for camp.

I sighed and put my pillow over my head. For once in my life I want to drown out the sound of the waves. I want quiet.

New book yay!

Also this book is gonna be preeeeeeety dark. I'm warning you now. You should be able to guess what's going to happen based on the titles. And yeah, I'm giving titles for once.

See yah