Lovely Obsession

Collect

Sophie...

Mom...

Dad...

Liam...

Lauren...

George...

Take a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. Ah. I have to collect myself. And then keep it together... Keep it together, don't break.

I never came to visit their graves on my own free will. It would always be because Aunt Lauren wanted to come, and she'd drag me along. Now it was all entirely my choice. Lauren wasn't even here.

George looked shocked when I asked him if we could visit my parents and uncle's graves, but he said yes nonetheless. The drive was nearly two hours. Everything was quiet the whole time. We pulled up near the graveyards and without a word or a look at George, I got out the car and walked down the lane. 

Their graves were near each other. Mom was on my left, Dad was in the middle, and Uncle Liam was on my right. Weird, how they all got a spot next to each other. The funeral must have been very awkward.

You're coming for Rachel, and the other bodies being buried? Her husband and brother in law. How'd those two die? From the same knife Rachel was killed by. Who drew that knife? Rachel. Rachel killed both of them before killing herself.

And bury them near each other, that's some sick twisted joke.

And their tombstones... Don't even get me started on how sick those were.

For Uncle, it was read "Loving son and husband". Okay. For Dad, it was "Loving father and husband". Mom's was "Loving mother and wife".

I wanted to vomit.

I wonder how many people would pass these graves, and not know the sick story behind it. Who'll read the plates of Mom and Dad and think it says the truth? It's sick. It's so, so sick...

That's the point of a graveyard, isn't it? You pass all these graves, but you can't be washed over by the memories of all these people. It's meant to be a huge impact. But the only loss you feel is for the ones you came for.

Death, it's numbing.

It makes me want to cry.

"I'm not crying." I whispered, my eyes on my Mother's tombstone.

I felt the hiss, hitting my throat, "Why're you crying?"

"I'm not." I kept my voice low, lacking emotion. Wind hit my neck, and then the presence was gone. But it was still lingering, hiding.

Crouched down in front of Dad's grave, I shut my eyes. I stayed that way for what felt like eternity. 

It hurts... It hurts...

I released a tense breath.

"... I'm really confused and conflicted right now." I settled down, sitting. I rose my legs and hugged them. I hardly came to visit these three, but when I do, I talk to them. But I always waited until after Lauren and George left. They'd wait in the car, and I'd stay and talk for ten minutes, more or less.

"... I finally got to her." I allowed myself to smile. It was really strained, shaking, about to break. Keep it together. "Sophie - I - We're finally together. But..." The smile - it broke. "I did something. I... I should go and say sorry. It'll be late by the time I get there."

Silence.

"... I'm sorry." I hugged my knees tighter and turned my head slightly to Mom's grave, "I'm sorry, Mom. What you said before - I... I don't think I could do it." I forced myself to chuckle, "I accidentally... Hit her. Like you did. She was crying, you see, and I... It pained me. So much."

Silence.

"... I just... Don't like to see her sad. But she always seems so upset and I don't know what to do about it. And I... Made it worse." I sighed, "I thought protecting her would be enough. But I also want her to be happy. But she just... Won't."

Silence.

"... Please answer."

Silence.

After a pause, I turned forward, to Dad, "I... I miss you." I cast a glance to Uncle Liam's grave, "You too, I just..." I hung my head, "I really miss you..."

Now I couldn't stop thinking of it. I usually succeeded in forgetting about it all, but now... It all just washed over me. It was drowning me.

I heard Mom's voice.

"Just awhile longer, you could have alone time, until you're older... Bring a friend of yours, another lover. Four makes it... Less lonely for you."

Neither of us are ready.

... That's right. We're not ready. We're not, we're not ready at all. I don't think... We'll ever be ready. And I wasn't old enough yet. I... Hah. Yeah, that's right.

Never.

I allowed myself to chuckle.


The ride back home was quiet.

I kept my head against the cold window. It had started to rain... I watched each drop make it's way down the window. Soon, my eye lids started to get heavy.

"... You know," George broke the silence, his voice hoarse. I tried to ignore him. "I met your Mom and Dad once. You too."

I glanced at him.

"Your Aunt Lauren - she, uhm, invited me to a Thanksgiving dinner with your family. It was a year after Mike and Rachel got married. Your Uncle Liam was the first to make me feel entirely welcome. He was just really good with people. Social, had a great sense of humor, your typical nice guy. Your Father too, I could see how they were brothers. The stereotypical brothers you always read about. They joked around, argued - but in a hysterical, comedic way, you know?"

I remained silent, my eyes drawing to George's hands on the wheel.

"Lauren - she - she really loved your Mother. As soon as we entered the room, she rushed towards Rachel and hugged her real tight. I've never seen her so colorful as she was there. Damn, she was just so happy. And then..." He glanced at me for a second, "You were there, not even a year old."

He chuckled, "Yeah. I don't know how to describe you back then. The next time I saw you after leaving was when you came to us. Let's just say..." He shrugged with a sly smile, "Man of the party, attention whore, and drool. Yeah. Drool. That basically sums it up."

I wanted to smile. But I couldn't - it was too hard.

"... I still don't why you're getting more quiet and distant." He frowned, "I can't talk to you because it's risky. I don't know what you want to hear. I just don't know."

I was silent for a moment. Then I let the words escape my lips.

"I don't know what I want to hear, either."