Dear Jazmyne,

Honestly Just Feels Like My Life Is Over

This day just went from bad to worse I take a seat next to James and wait for them to speak it's silent for a moment. Then they break it to me that they found Ashley dead and I'm just like oh what a relief might sound cold hearted but I guess you can see I clearly get it honest. If you could see the look on their face when I said oh instead of feeling sad you would think they caught the murderer. So they ask me the basics like where I was the night she was killed and who I was with if I had an alibi and so on and that day they talked about was the day I was with Adrian and I'm just like damn I don't want him involved in all of this and I can't even text him to let him know because I know he won't reply. They thank me for my time and answering the questions and said they would get back to me then they head out. I look at James and ask about the kids and if they know yet and he said he hasn't told them that he would like for me to be there because they have grown attached to me. He calls them into the living room and have them take a seat. Everyone is just looking around confused I hold onto the two youngest because I know they are going to take it hard. He starts out by saying the police that were here found your mother they get excited asking about her and then he breaks it to them that she isn't alive.. The house was a mess everyone started breaking down but me I was so hurt for them but I had no more tears left in me and I had to be strong for them I sat with them for about an hour until everyone fell asleep I tucked them into bed thinking to myself this is going to be a long summer. Whoever held they mom didn't kill her for awhile. I made sure everyone was tucked in with a bottle of water at their bedside. I text Sasha and told her that I needed her to come over because some shit just went down and it went from bad to worse and I needed her at the moment. No response I texted Mia and Dontae no response I just needed someone so I got dressed and went to Momma Autumns house. When I got there I knocked on the door and rang the bell at this point I'm in tears it's a new day 2 in the morning I guess they got refilled. John opens the door and unlocks the screen when he realized it was me and brought me into the house he was asking me what was wrong but over the sobbing he couldn't understand a thing I was saying so he gave me a minute and went and woke up Momma Autumn and she comes in and comforts me while I let it out for five minutes then I tell them everything from the top to the bottom that has been happening and they are at a loss for words but they tell me that it's going to be okay because they are here for me and told me that I could stay the night I still have stuff in my room. So I head up the stairs to my room tell them good night feeling a little better because they are on my side. I text James and tell him I'll be back in the morning not to worry about the kids I'll watch them so don't send them to school or skip work because he needs the money. He replied okay and I drift off to sleep I wake up the next morning with dry mouth because all the liquid in my mouth came from my eyes last night. I wake up and shower and put some clothes on and head downstairs Mom and dad are already dressed they want to go with me and take the kids breakfast because they know it's going to be hard. So we head out to Cracker Barrel and grab some stuff and head to the house it's dead silent when we get there. James comes down and says only Asia and Elijah are up. I go get them and tell them there's breakfast and if they would like to talk about the situation we could before the younger kids got up.  They come down to eat they're eating and it's quiet before Elijah speaks up he says she's going to miss my 12th birthday we had a whole day planned. I don't no what to say I look at Momma Autumn she smiles and says it's going to be okay we can do everything the planned and more and I promise that she will be there in your heart. When is your birthday? He smiles a little and says July 6th she looks at her calendar and says it's the weekend so be ready you and you're siblings are going to have the best time. I smile and mouth thank you and they say that they are about to head out to work I hug them and tell them I will see them later. After I close the door the rest of the kids start to come down I fix them plates and as I was done then Eva started crying I go upstairs and get her out the crib and she's just smiling and oblivious to what went down last night I take her down stairs and strap her in her high chair and feed her some oatmeal. The rest of the day we sit and watch tv and relax but all I could think is what would he do if he was left with 6 kids all alone and I wasn't here? But I shake that thought because all that matters is that I'm here now. The days go by the days turn into weeks and the kids are slowly going back to themselves there was no funeral she was cremated and  it's like they almost forgot what happened but no one forgets when their mother dies.  As long as they're good I'm good I don't want them to experience that much hurt at this age. The weeks go by and it's like Elijahs birthday snuck up on us after all that happened we had to make this day extremely special. We woke up and I got everyone dressed we wore matching outfits with shirts that Said like birthday boy, birthday boys big sister, dad little sister and so on Autumn and James just wore a shirt that said birthday party ready. Y'all already know my bestfriend was there ready to cause a scene we had a really good day we started out with a trip to the board walk for an hour then we went to six flags for 3 hours then we went to the beach and then to finish off the day we saw a movie and had dinner at this kids place Autumn and John rented out and invited his friends to join the party.  Now it's time to open gifts he has a ton on the table my Mom and dad went all out. He opens his gifts and has some toys and learning stuff he got new games and some other stuff we pack up his toys and thank everyone for coming out and head back home the kids are knocked out we get them to the house give them baths and get them into pjs and put them in the bed and we all sit for a moment it's been a long day and Jams thanks them soo much for doing all of that for his kids and that they enjoyed themselves. They tell him it's not problem and that they have a gift for all of the kids they go out the the van and bring in all of his gifts and then 6 boxes they open one up and it's a build a bear she hands it to James and tells home to squeeze the hand and when he does it's his wife's voice saying I love you and he automatically starts crying and he's like you didn't have to do this and they smile but we wanted to give them something to always remember they are loved by her there are six different ones and you guys can pick who gets what and write their names on the box and put them at the foot of their bed. These two continue to amaze me more and more everyday. I hug them goodbye and thank them for the day that we had today an entire month has gone by since I've seen or heard from Adrian I haven't talked to blaze and I haven't even thought of them I guess my summers gonna end alright. I haven't been to work in awhile so while I'm there all I can replay is Blaze this entire argument ruined my relationship but I can't put all the blame on him like why didn't I lie and say I didn't kiss him back that who ever Kennedy was that took the picture did it as soon as he leaned in my life's a mess my heads everywhere and I don't even notice the guy and girl at the counter ready to check out I'm legit going to get this store robbed one day while I'm zoned out and not even know it. When I zone back in I realize it's Andrea. She gives me a soft smile and ask how I've been. I ring them up and tell her I've been better but I'm okay. She goes it's going to be okay and tells me that it's weird around there because Adrian doesn't say much and he's always on the go he can't sit in once place I honestly think he misses you and doesn't want to admit it. Well I can honestly say I miss him I've had so much go on after that night my life has went down hill. But as summer is coming to an end life's starting to look up for me. She looks down for a moment then goes I also heard about your bio mom I'm sorry about your loss and I go it's fine and thank you I didn't really know her and she didn't want me around. She smiles and I tell her have a nice day. Now the only thing I can think about is Adrian is it really over because of a kiss that meant nothing to me. I shake my head shaking the thought of him or Blaze now all I'm worried about is a party of a lifetime it's the last party of the summer and I'm going to be prepared for it. I needed a turn up before going back to that hell hole. I honestly think I've been alright since the break up. There has been so much to distract me I didn't have time to think about it. But the more I think about this party the drunker I'm going to be I'm going to wash down all the memories of this summer with alcohol.