𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐀 𝐁𝐢𝐠 𝐁𝐚𝐝 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 (𝑾𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒀𝒐𝒖)

Chapter Twenty Three: Guilt

"Rae Rae" I whimper as the nurse helps me sit up, it's been 3 days since I woke up from my coma and everything hurts.

I'm in my hospital room with Raven and Anya, Lexa was in her own room to sleep, we had to get Lincoln to drag her there and pin her down.

"I know Little Bird, your ok" Raven reassures me as I lean into her, the nurse was changing the bandages around my ribs and even sitting was difficult for me now, I would shake when I lifted a limb and I would always throw my food back up anyway.

I groan in pain and hide my head in the crook of Ravens neck as the nurse wraps the bandages around my ribs tightly.

"I can't wait till I can go home" I mumble with a wince.

"That might be a while Hummingbird" Anya tells me causing me to groan again, this time frustrated.

All I wanted to do was go home and lay in my own bed with Lexa nestled in my arms and the sound of Raven and Anya making breakfast like most mornings went, I wanted a bit of familiarity and consistency, not being stuck in this damn hospital, I've been in them way too much in my life.

Groaning again I whine into Ravens neck like a lost puppy when I realise even when I get home my friends are all gonna be super clingy, just great....

Lexa's Pov...

I was sitting in my hospital bed just staring at the ceiling, Lincoln had gone after he thought I fell asleep but I couldn't, I haven't for a while, every time I close my eyes I see her.

Clarkes mangled up body, blood all over her, the paleness of her porcelain skin and the light gone from her electric blue eyes.

It could have been like that, she could have died, she risked her death to get me out of that damn car even though she could have just gotten out of there by herself a lot easier.

With a huff I roll onto my side with a wince, I ignore the stinging coming from my hip as I stare out the window.

I nearly killed her, my own girlfriend, I nearly caused the love of my life's death, she was on life support for a month in a coma, I did that.

If only I had just looked, I would have seen the truck running the stop sign, I could have stoped the car, I could have prevented the pain Clarke was in right now...

Tears roll down my cheeks, I hiss when one goes into a cut on my chin, I frustratingly scream into my pillow as sobs rack my body.

I did that to Clarke.

I hurt her.

I promised her I wouldn't.

But I did...

Just like everyone else had....

I fucked up majorly, Clarke had saved my life and risked hers in doing so, I was the driver but she got it worse all because she refused to leave me.

I huff, why did she have to be so selfless?!?

She wouldn't be hurt and in this damn hospital, Clarke's been in and out of hospital for her whole life and I never thought I would be one of the reasons to put her in here.

My thoughts are interpreted by the door opening, I wipe my tears away and lay on my back, watching as Octavia walks in, she gives me a smile as she sits on the bed beside me.

"I know what your thinking, and it's not your fault Lexa" She tells me softly, I 'tsk' at her as I roll my eyes.

"Yes it is, Clarke's in her because of me, your sister is in here because of me!" I argue, Octavia sighs and rubs her forehead.

"Lexa, no it's not, things like this happen all the time. It was an accident. You were run off the road when some asshole decided to run that stop sign" Octavia tries, I shake my head.

"NO, NO, ITS ON ME, I SHOULD HAVE LOOKED, I COULD HAVE ACTED QUICKER" I sob, "I can....I can still he-hear her sc-screa-m-ms" I sob as Octavia lies beside me and holds me, after a while once I've regained my composure I break the silence.

"Why...Why don't you hate me? Your sister is in here because of me" I ask quietly as I stare out the window.

"Because, Clarke loves you, I've never seen her like the way she is with you in all the years I've known the girl. Before you came back she was bad, no, she was horrible. She smoked. She did drugs. She drank every night. She broke the law and ran too many red lights for her own good. But she didn't care, she didn't care because no one taught her how to. But when it comes to you, she wants to be the best she can be. She can't bare the thought of loosing you Lexa. She would murder the world to protect you. She's been broken over and over and yet, even with her heart in pieces, she still manages to love you" Octavia tells me softly as silent tears run down my face.

"What you and Clarke have, Lexa. Is so incredibly special, it's once in a life time kinda shit. I truly believe you two are soulmates, you're made for each other" Octavia finishes, she squeezes me tighter before standing up, "Just.....Don't blame yourself. Clarkes blamed herself over things for years and it changed her, in a bad way and look were she's ended up because of that unnecessary guilt. When you need it, you have so many people here to support you Lexa"

I nod with a sniffle as I keep staring out the window, I listen as Octavia's footsteps fade away and the door clicks shut.

I watch as birds fly through the blue sky, the sun shining on the city of Polis as cars drive on the roads and people scatter the sidewalks.

In that moment, as I look over the city, I promise myself that I will always love Clarke, she's it for me and from what Octavia said, I'm it for her too.

God I love that girl.....