TATTOOED -h.s.

Chapter 31

I can't leave him, I can't do that to him. I made him a promise to him and I'm gonna keep it. No matter how mad I am at him, it doesn't mean I don't care and I will NOT let him destroy his life any longer. I'm not gonna walk out on him like everyone else. Seeing him so vulnerable just now, broke my heart. I wrap my arms around him and stroke his back as I felt what I think is a tear hit my chest. I heard him sniffle before struggling to mumble "Please don't leave me..." I didn't know what to say, all I did was kiss his head and rest mine on top of his, hoping I wouldn't do what he just told me not to.

Sarah's P.O.V

We remained sitting on the chilly, hardwood floor with Harry still  in between my legs as he held onto my waist and his head rested upon my chest. My arms remained around him and I didn't even have to ask him, he already knew what I wanted....an explanation. He began talking against my skin which didn't even have feeling at the moment. "I did it because it took everything out of here," he cried as he tapped at his head. "It gets rid of it for awhile. It made me feel happy again." he was now sobbing into my chest as his grip around me tightened. I want to cry, even scream at him but I don't, because the idea of Harry being so utterly lost, that he was only able to find happiness in something that was so deadly, temporary, and stupid leaves me feeling broken. I want to bundle him up in my arms and shout at him all at the same time. I look down at his face, dark circles underneath his eyes, cheekbones more prominent, and no hope of even a masked smile. I miss him. He calmed himself down once again and took a deep breath before he continued to tell me the things I believed I was the cause of. "I started using again to stop my nightmares, I didn't have you to stop them, it helped me stay awake. I used it so I wouldn't be as hungry due to my budget for food. Most of all I just wanted to get rid of the pain of losing you..." I pulled him tighter to my chest as he grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers together. "The only reason I left you behind was because I already knew what was going to happen, I should've died that night. When I left you behind, I didn't do it to hurt you, I just didn't want to reappear in your life knowing that you already moved on..." "Harry, what makes you think I ever moved on?" I cut him off, even though now I regret making him stop. "When I was in the hospital after getting shot, I didn't think I was going to make it. I sent you those letters, asking if I could come back into your life, asking if we could be a thing again, I just wanted to run away with you somewhere and be happy together, runaway from all the bullshit. After several weeks of no responses, I stopped by your house with hopes of seeing you at least one last time but your parents told me you weren't home and they threatened me to stay away from you, but I didn't care about their threats to be honest...I went back everyday, I just wanted to make sure it was true...that you were really gone, that you left without me and moved on. I was so proud of you, honestly so fucking proud that you moved on from me. I didn't want you to hold onto me. At that point, without you, I just wanted to die, I wanted to end it all, but I didn't have the guts to do it the fast way...slowly and painfully is how I did it. That's right, thee Harry Styles was scared. I may have been glad that you moved on, but truly I sat here slowly rotting away. That's why I thought you wanted nothing to do with me..." I lifted up his face from my chest so that his eyes were now on mine. "There was not one split second that I felt any better than you. I never got over you, and I was always there and when I wasn't, when I moved I was still right in front of your eyes, you just didn't look hard enough. I moved in with one of your best friends, and I didn't leave to move on, I left because my parents couldn't stand me mourning over you 24/7. All they did was talk bad about the man I love and I couldn't take it any longer. My feelings for you would never change, just because I get mad at you almost all the time doesn't mean I stop loving you and you should know that by now. I never got any of those letters and if I did, you know for a fact that I would have written you back, I would've tried to find you, but I sat alone, going crazy, thinking you were dead." We sat there sitting in front of one another, being emotional wrecks. I tangled my fingers into his hair and rested my palms on each of his ears. "Since when do you cry, babe?" I chuckled as the stream of tears remained stained to my face. He chuckled in return and said "Ever since you gave me a reason to." I pulled his face to mine and connected our lips, but I quickly pulled away and stood up. "I'm sorry..." I nervously mumbled. "What's wrong?" He asked while standing up and gently grabbing onto my arm. "I just, I don't want to rush into everything again. We need time, we need time to recover from all this. We need a break..." "A break?" he scoffed. "After all this, you want a fucking break?" he added with a harsher tone and backed away from me. "You're fucking kidding me, right?" I knew it wouldn't have been long, this is the Harry I knew. "I have to go." I stated, causing him to sigh, meaning his anger was dissipating, which was his way of apologizing. My eyes are closed and I'm shaking my head, unable to cope with all these emotions at once. This isn't fair. I grabbed my belongings as Harry followed after me near the front door. "You don't have to leave." he desperately offers. His eyes wander around the room, trying to find or think of a legitimate reason to make me stay. It's heart wrenching because it wasn't long ago that all he'd have to do was flash a smile and I'd go running right back to him. But now he's not enough for me; and he knows that. "Please," he swallows. "Ju...just stay for a bit longer." His hands are shaking, and he's anxiously biting at his bottom lip like a child. If he had a teddy bear in hand, you'd mistaken him for a child on the verge of tears before bedtime. "I'm sorry." I mumble as the apartment seems to feel overwhelming and suffocating to me, there's too much pressure pushing down on me. I just want to get out. He's a nervous wreck and I feel like an awful person for abandoning him right now. "I don't want to stay." I admit. The words seem to burn as they fall from my lips. "I can walk you down." he offered. "I don't need you-" My sentence slipped out unfinished, breaking him before my eyes. I was going to tell him that his offer was unnecessary but the unfinished sentence was left hanging between us. If my heart wasn't already shattered, it would have broken with the devastating look he gives me. His eyes begin to water and his chest began to heave. "Please." he wheezes. I almost fall backwards into the hallway. The door slams shut and it's finally only me, but the guilt inside me continues to clutch at my throat. I need to get away from him because he's dragging me down to a place I'm desperately trying to claw out of.