Existence

3. blame

"And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair. Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there." - Linkin Park

To say that Mandy was shocked, would be the understatement of the century. When she thought of hell, the only images that filled her brain were ones of conflagration and destruction. It was a place where the wicked received an eternal of suffering and torment. She saw the suffering, there was no denying that, but there was no fire. It seemed very un-hell like.

"So Mandy, what do you think?" A rather jovial looking satan said from beside her. 

"Before I answer that," She looked at him, "What the hell am I supposed to call you?"

"Maybe you should refrain from using cuss words like 'Hell' or 'God'", He started, "And you can call me Lucifer. It sure is better than Satan."

"So you can read my thoughts!" Mandy gasped, doing her best to cover her brain with her hands. 

"No. I can't," He pried her hands off her head, "I do not possess the power to read your mind. Only God does."

"Yeah, like that makes it any better," She rolled her eyes, "Maybe, I should just stay in hell. It's seriously not that bad. It's just you know, very soulless. Which is weird, because there are souls literally everywhere. We can add some flowers to make the place more homey-"

"Mandy." Lucifer interrupted her second mini monologue of the hour. Humans are complex creatures, he couldn't help but ponder as his hands still held her hands. "What is going on inside that head?"

"I wish I could tell you."

He let go of her hands and motioned to the endless fog surrounding them. The cries rang loudly in her ears as she took it all in. The fact that the divine was real. She suddenly felt immense regret for not paying attention in her bible studies, or for not listening to her parents lecture her ear of about the bible. The thoughts quickly transfigured into guilt. Her parents, vexatious at times, cared about her. Of course they did, they were her parents. Throughout the tribulations of their constant arguments, Mandy never thought they gave a shit about her. 

They didn't love her, they wanted to control her. 

If that were the case, then why did she feel as if there was something tearing at her heart? Begging her to go back. Pleading with her. The vulnerable feeling that overtook her 5 year old self on her first day of school, came back. And it came back with a vengeance. She wanted her parents again. She would give anything to get scolded or lectured just one more time. 

"Hey," Lucifer said gently, "Why are you crying?"

"It's nothing," She said with a shaky laugh, "Doesn't the devil relish in people's pain?"

"Everyone has a soft spot. Even someone as depraved as me," He smirked, "Tell me Mandy, why did you do it? What was possibly going through your mind that made you think this was the only option left for you?"

"Why do you ask?" 

"I just don't understand it. Not one bit. I have many people who arrive here, and I know why they did. But you, you're not in the least bit wicked."

"I didn't exactly get here, you kinda took me here."

"You're right."

"So why did you?"

"I was hoping to scare you into waking up again."

"Why?"

"You deserve to live a full life. You're only 17. You ended your life before it even began."

"But what about the rest of us?" Mandy pressed, "There are children who die of starvation every single day. There are thousands of innocents trafficked and forced to be submit to their captors. What about the babies who were killed before they even took their first breath?"

"Well-"

"I am not finished," She shook her hands out of his roughly, "If God really is who they say he is, then he must have all of this power. He permits every breath, every soul that enters the Earth. Why permit a life when he knows that he or she will live in their own hell for most of their life?"

"So now the questions are coming huh?" The devil asked, thoroughly amused, "Guess your mortal mind has trouble processing all this."

"Don't you dare underestimate me," Her eyes were ablaze with a fire that sparked even more curiosity in him, "We are just playthings to God. Sure, we may be made in his image, but does he even care? And don't come to me with the whole 'He loved you so much he sent his only son,' and blah blah blah. Aren't we all children of God? This shit doesn't make any sense, it probably never will."

"Are you done?"

"For now."

"Well, on the contrary, you are all children of God. Also, he does love you. I've always been jealous of him, of his power. Of the endless adoration he gets from you mortals. You heard the story of how I wanted to be him at some point in time I presume. But, that's not the point. He doesn't hurt humans. You guys hurt yourselves."

His words struck her right in the gut, and she remembered all the pain that she inflicted on herself. She remembered the pain that everyone else put her through, but still wanted to blame God. To blame somebody, anybody, but herself. Yet, the more she thought about it, she wished she would have never picked up that blade in the first place. 

"You humans always look for someone to blame, I thought that over the centuries you people would learn to own up to your mistakes. Yet, even now, you don't. You took your own life, or tried to, and you can't help but blame God or the trepidations that are shaking the world as we speak. You think that their problems justify yours, and I am not saying your problem is smaller in comparison because a problem is a problem, but you are actually just digging yourself deeper in your own grave."

"Where are you going with this? Aren't you the damn Anti-christ? Why are you taking his side in this?" She couldn't help but be perplexed about the situation. She understood the aura and fascination that seemed to follow him throughout history. He was a paradox. An enigma. Like God, he was a tale as old as time. The original villain in everyone's story. The person everyone blamed for their sins. 

"You're doing it again. You know I am right so you are trying to take the spotlight off of you." He stated a matter of factly, glad that he had her figured out in such a small amount of time. 

"You don't know me." She seethed.

"Ah yes," He murmured, "But I do know your desire. As the devil, I am here to help you cave into that hidden hunger."

"If you know me so well," She stepped closer to him and looked up into his eyes that seemed so eerily human, "Tell me, what is it that you think I long for?"

"You just want someone to make you feel alive again."

She stayed silent, because she knew he was spot on.