Existence

17. sunshine

"These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase." - Evanscense 

The doctor waited until he closed the door before he let out a tired sigh. He loved his job, he really did. But, Mandy was a rare case. In the beginning, he was thrilled to have her as an assignment. She was supposed to be the highlight of his career. His last hurrah before stepping into retirement. 

He didn't expect it to be so challenging though. After months and months, his faith in her began to slip and he began to despise himself for it. He was the one who was supposed to believe in her when no one else did. 

The situation was ironic, comical even. 

He had was one of the best psychiatrists in the state, yet sometimes he had trouble staying level headed. It happens to everyone, that he knew, but it didn't stop him from feeling like a hypocrite. 

He had learned the importance of emotional intelligence at a young age. When his mother was always out and about, and his absentee dad was nowhere to be found, James had to make sure he understood and controlled his emotions. He doesn't really remember what got him into the mental health field, he doesn't even remember when he did. All he remembers is enjoying it. 

He gave away his youthful years for a rigorous education at one of the top universities. Found a nice girl and settled down with her. He was the living embodiment of the American dream, only, it felt nothing like a dream. He would tell himself, that he didn't need to be happy. That happiness wasn't a destination, only a mood. That he had a healthy mind because he was able to feel all emotions. 

He knows that he was doing the right thing, but that didn't make it any less hard. 

"Dr. James?" A nurse asked coming up to him, "Mandy's parents are here to see you."

"Tell them I'll be right there." 

The nurse nodded respectfully and walked away. James took in one more deep breath, composing himself. He shook off any doubtful feelings and followed the nurse. 

"Mr. and Mrs. Adair," He greeted and shook their hands, "Thank you for coming on such short notice."

"What happened?" Mrs. Adair asked, her impassive face masking any emotions she might have felt. It was in that moment, where the doctor really wished that they had listened to him when he mentioned they should see a therapist. An event like this can really rack a family, and he thinks that her parents are still trying to deny their daughters mental state. If they accepted it, feelings like grief and guilt will overcome them all at once, especially after having suppressed them for so long. 

"She woke up from her delusion," He said carefully, "And I told her about her diagnosis."

"You did what?" Mr. Adair's voice boomed throughout the lobby, shocking everyone and even the doctor himself. Mandy's father was known for being calm and collected, with a stoic expression on his face at all times. His cold eyes would glare at anyone who tried to talk to him, and the doctor wondered if he has always been like this, or if it was a side affect of his daughter's suicide attempt. 

"I had to," James suppressed any desires he had to make a psychological profile on his patients parents, "Many is 18 now. She has the right to know what is wrong with her."

"You're implying that-" Her mother stopped short, always careful with the words she chose, "What I don't understand, is how that will benefit her recovery."

"Your daughter has been assigned to me for the past year. I have tried everything I can, this is on her now."

"We did what you said," Her mother's voice was demeaning, a small attempt to conceal the quiver in her voice, "We played a part in her delusion. We did what we believed and brought in a priest. You have basically been shoving all these prescriptions down her throat. Why isn't she- when will she get better?"

"You can't just expect her to get better when she doesn't know what she is feeling," The doctor remarked, "She has to welcome her feelings in order to get over them. In her mind, her suicide attempt was literally just last week. She hasn't let herself feel the grief."

"So you basically just want her to feel sad, in order to get over feeling sad?" 

"Yes. Precisely."

"That sounds very paradoxical doctor." Her father's words were coaxed in patronization, but it didn't seem to bother James. 

"Just let me do my job and I will let you do yours." He smiled tightly. 

"So you will allow us to see her?" 

"Just be supportive. She is in a fragile state, it will be easy for her to mistake your words to judgement." 

"Are you seriously-" Mrs. Adair was cut off by her husband grabbing her arm. 

"Honey," He warned, "Let's just go see our daughter."

The words struck a cord in her. It was hard to adjust in their home with the absence of Mandy, who was usually a ray of sunshine in order to ease her parents. The house was painstakingly empty, and the two adults weren't used to being alone. Their daughter held the two workaholics together like glue, a futile wet working solution for their marriage. 

They tried to be like the newlyweds they were before her, but it resulted in just sex. It was the only part they can get right after all. Talking about their day over dinner seemed silly and just plain sad. Going on dates trying to reminisce their youth didn't work because they were both so opinionated. 

So they were impulsive, and Mandy's mother got pregnant. A whole other debacle to attempt to fix while their first kid, who is alive and questionably well, has to work her way through a disaster. 

"Mandy!" Her mother smiled at the sight of her, taking her into an embrace, "How are you?"

"Well the doctor just dropped a schizophrenic bomb on me, but other than that, I think I am doing okay." Mandy laughed it off, still trying to be her parent's sunshine and relished in her mother's embrace. 

"Oh my baby," Her mother chuckled with tears in her eyes, "I'm happy you're doing okay."

Yeah, well I could be better. 

Mandy thought to herself but pushed it aside. Trying to redeem herself while fixing herself at the same time.