Existence

6. bravery

"Selfish, taking what I want and calling it mine. I'm helpless, clinging to a little bit of spine. They rush me, telling me I'm running out of time." - Halsey

Mandy listened to him and shut her eyes, the sheer curiosity superimposing her rational thoughts. She was never one to turn down an adventure. Even though she never knew herself, she knew that she always had a thirst for spontaneity.

"Where are you taking me?" She couldn't help but ask.

"Doesn't that take the fun out of the adventure?" She was just able to hear the smirk in his voice, and for some reason, wished to see it.

"Well yes, but you know I love asking questions."

"What else do you love?"

"Um, I love adventures I guess."

"That's a lot of uncertainty in what you love," He mused, "Why aren't you sure?"

"I guess it is because it's another way of contradicting myself. Again," Mandy sighed, "I say I love whimsical moments, because they remind us of the fact that there is always tomorrow. We can reinvent ourselves each and every day. There is no need to define ourselves to any statute, because we have the power to change. Yet, tomorrow is never promised."

"Your thought process is really starting to concern me," He said, prying her hands off her eyes gently, "Do you always contradict yourself?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"You should stop doing that."

"Easier said than done."

"It's your lack of confidence that is causing all these issues you know?" His voice was soft and her eyes were transfixed into his, "If you were just brave enough to trust your intuition without second guessing it, think of all you would accomplish."

He was telling her to be brave. Trusting herself will probably be the most daunting task she has ever had to face and she wondered why facing who she really was is so terrifying. Her eyes dropped to his lips and it took all of her strength to bring her gaze back up to his eyes.

If you were just brave enough.

His words echoed, engraving themselves in her mind. For the first time in a long time, she had decided to listen to someone else's advice. He was silent, aware of what was going to happen, but wanted her to be the one to take the first step. Her gaze fell to his full lips once again, the pinkness of them tempting her to make an irrational mistake.

If you were just brave enough.

Her arms slowly worked their way around his neck and his arms automatically went around her waist, pulling her slightly closer. His breath fanned her face and she sighed as her eyelids fluttered shut. Pulling it down from deep within her, Mandy found the strength to open her eyes before taking a step back. 

A look of disappointment flashed in his eyes, but it left as quick as it came. If she wasn't looking hard enough, it could have just been a trick of the light. She was used to that look though, that's why she was able to place it so well. She saw that look in her parents' eyes, her teachers' eyes, her best friend's eyes. They say that virginity is nothing but a social construct. If that were true, then why did the whole town look at her with pity? Like she she lost something she could never get back?

"I guess bravery is something we will have to work on." He said halfheartedly, a frivolous attempt at lightening up the mood. 

"No," Her voice was unwavering, "Lucifer, that was me being brave."

"Is that so?" 

"What did you want me to do? You wanted me to succumb to my lustful desires? To prove you right?" She asked, "Trust me when I say this. Every fiber of my being wants you. I just can't do this to myself again. For the first time, I am putting myself first. That, is me being brave."

"And how exactly is going against your desires putting yourself first?" The corner of his lips quirked up in a teasing smirk and there was a mischievous glint in his eyes. He was taunting her. Seeing how far he could push before she either broke down or gave in.

"Because, even though I rethink a lot of my thoughts, I know what is best for me in the end."

"Do you now?" He scoffed, "So killing yourself was doing what was best for you?"

"We don't talk about that. It's already done." She said harshly.

"Why not?" He pressed, "It didn't work did it? That pain you felt, you still feel it now. The only thing you accomplished was hurting the people who you so desperately want to leave behind."

"But, I can start again here." She said quietly, and he didn't know whether to think she was brave or a coward. 

"Are you running from your past or leaving it behind?"

"I, well um, does it even matter?"

"Yes."

"Why did you want me to kiss you?" She countered. 

"Does it even matter?" He repeated her question. 

"Of course it does," She started as her voice began to tremble slightly, "It matters because I fooled myself into something before. I was so desperate to be loved, that I let myself believe that I was in love. I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with the way he made me feel. I made the mistake of thinking that affection was love, and that is why I got hurt. You're the fucking devil. You know what I want, and you can use it against me. I want to kiss you, and you know that."

"Mandy-"

"I am not finished," She interrupted, something that was become a habit now, "I don't want to use you as a distraction. You told me to be brave, and I am. I am being brave by facing my problems rather than distracting myself with you."

"I want you to use me though." The devil himself whispered.

"Why?"

"Look." He turned her away from him. Blue caps and gowns lined her sight, as the warm summer air touched her skin. Everyone was smiling with happy tears glinting their eyes. It was a bittersweet moment; the start of their new lives and a chapter closing. 

Then, Mandy saw herself. There was a smile on her face as she was handed her diploma. The smile was so real, that there was a sickening feeling of slight regret in her stomach. She saw herself truly happy, for the first time in awhile. Her parents were there on the sidelines, camera in hand and tears of joy in their eyes. 

they were proud of her. 

"And that," Lucifer started, "Is only the beginning."