Existence

14. lies

"and maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me. and after all, you're my wonder wall." - oasis 

It didn't take Mandy long for her to realize that her life revolved around physical distractions, rather than emotions themselves. It was a wonder she didn't notice it sooner. After all, she has been distracting herself all her life. Accepting truths for what they really were, is something she was never able to do and she ended up lying to herself more often than not. 

It had gotten so bad, that there was a time where she didn't know what the truth was anymore. She was so good at lying, that she ended up believing the lies that would tumble out of her mouth. It didn't matter if they were small white lies, she still told them anyway. It didn't matter if she didn't do anything wrong, she still lied about it. It was something that drove her to the point of insanity, until she met him. 

His name was Parker. 

There was nothing special about him, nothing at all. He was an average C student. Never excelled in anything and worked a minimum wage job at the local fast food restaurant. He was as ordinary as can be. With his curly brown hair and brown eyes. With his boyish grin and lack of dimples. 

Nothing about him was special. 

Yet, he gave her attention. It was something Mandy craved without even knowing it. The way he looked at her, was anything but ordinary. He looked at her like she was special. Like she was the world he revolved around. When he held her face in his hands for the very first time, she had a taste of everything she was missing. 

So she lied to herself again. 

Mandy let herself believe that this was love. It was a skill she had mastered over time, it was nothing new. It wasn't hard to convince herself that she was in love, after all, it was everything she ever wanted anyways. 

But then, she was so caught up in the idea of him, that she began to lose herself in him. He was her world, but it wasn't until it was too late, did she seem to understand that she was just another star in his galaxy. 

She didn't realize that she was like a cigarette to him. Something for him to use when he was bored, only to get stomped on and left when he was done. 

To her, he was a drug. She was hooked on him, getting high on their moments and feeling down when they weren't together. Every time he left, he took a part of her with him. Until there was nothing left. Yet, she still opened the door and welcomed him in with a smile, as if she wasn't the one who cried behind that very closed door. 

She was hopelessly devoted to him. 

Even now, after she was forced to move on, her mind still wanders to him. She lives in those happy moments of the past, even though they probably are just figments of her imagination. Maybe she never really was happy with him, she wouldn't know. The lies just run too deep. 

"Mandy," Lucifer was waving his hand in her face, "Mandy snap out of it."

"Hm?" She mumbled, a daze clouding her eyes, "What?"

"Look at me." He took her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. He was searching for something, for anything. An answer probably, but he couldn't get through to her. Instead, he just closed her eyes and took her back to hell. 

He didn't know what was wrong with her. In the beginning, he thought that it was his fault for showing her the wedding. Yet, as her state continued to worsen, he had to consider all possibilities. It's not that he didn't love her. He did in some way. At least he thought he did. Love isn't black and white. There is so much gray area left in between, that many people lose themselves in that area. That area of uncertainty. They say love is certain, so if he wasn't, that meant he wasn't in love right?

Or maybe the trepidation was something else entirely. Maybe he was hesitant because of the lack of self worth that he covered in narcism and dark humor. Deep down, he knew that he it wasn't love. He knew that it was temporary. She is going to go live her life, and he was going to let her. 

Who was he to stop her from having a life worth living?