Existence

18. a disappointment

"I've done my best to give you nothing less than perfectness. And I know that if I end this, I'll no longer have nothing left." - Eminem

As much as Mandy enjoyed being the glue that held her family together, she despised it at the same time. In her mind, life was better for her when she had no idea that she was the only thing holding her family together. When the only person she had to care about was just, her. 

Life is easier when you're selfish. 

The older she got, the more she began to realize her role. She played it well too. Doing exactly what she had to do to constantly salvage their poor excuse of a marriage. She was the one who would remember the anniversary dates, making sure her dad would make a big deal of it. She wrote notes and bought flowers on valentine's day and say they were from her father. But more and more, she wished someone cared enough about her to do the same. 

She longed for someone to remember days that were important to her. To bring her flowers when she was having a bad day or just to randomly show her how special she was to them. She thought she had it once, but thinking she had it was just enough for her to trick herself into believing what she had was love. 

"How did you take the news?" Her father asked her. He was always straight to the point and wanted to use words as little as possible. Time is money, is what he would say, don't waste time.

"I took it fine," She said hotly, not admitting that she is still processing the news, "I'm fine aren't I?"

"If you were fine, you wouldn't be here in the first place." Her mother butted in, asserting her dominance. Regardless of her age, she was still her mother after all. 

"You're right dad," She apologized, "I'm sorry."

"You should be," Her mother said, refusing to let it go, "If you were just strong enough, you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place."

"Mom-"

"No, you listen," Her mother interrupted, "Why are you being such a bitch? Do you have any idea what you have put your father and me through? Since day one you have always pitted us against each other-"

"I never-"

"Yes, you didn't do this now. But you being stuck in this fucking asylum is enough. Your suicide attempt was enough. How could you be so selfish?"

"Selfish?" Mandy cried out incredulously, "You think I am the selfish one? Everything I have ever done, was to please you and dad!"

"Stop making excuses for yourself Mandy. Just own up to the failure that you are," Her mother got up off the bed, "Maybe God gave us this child because you were too far fetched for us to fix. This is our second chance, and I will not let you ruin this baby like you ruined us. You tore this family apart."

"I am going to be a big sister?" Mandy breathed through her tears, trying hard to focus on the good, rather than the bad. 

"No. You're not going to," Her mother said, "Because as of now, your are no longer our daughter."

"Dad?!" She looked over to him, "Are you really going to let her do this?"

"Mandy, honey, I just want what is best for you," Her father said and finally, there was a break in his stoic face, "Do you want to be around your little brother or sister when you're like...this?"

"Like this?" Mandy laughed, "Don't you see? You guys are the ones who fucked me up. Mom, you really don't know? Dad forgot your anniversary years ago. For as long as I can remember, I have been the one keeping this family apart. Not the other way around."