Existence

19. unholy matrimony

"Oh, and baby I'm fist fighting with fire. Just to get close to you. Can we burn something, babe? And I run for miles, just to get a taste. Must me love on the brain."- Rhianna

Lilian Adair ran to the ladies' room as soon as she got the doctor. She never saw Mandy's illness in its truest form, and honestly didn't want to believe him when he told her the diagnosis. Locking herself in a stall, she breathed in deeply, trying to calm to fast pace of her heart. To say she was terrified was an understatement, but another emotion seemed to overtake it. 

Guilt. 

So much guilt. She wasn't stupid. She knew that she pushed her daughter to the edge, but she didn't know why. It wasn't that she hated her daughter, she loved her with her entire heart. Perhaps, it was Mandy's innocence that attracted so much negativity. Her mother has always been jealous of her daughter, ever since the day she was born. 

She craved the attention Mandy got. The way her father looked at his daughter, was a bitter memory of the days where he would look at her with nothing short of admiration. Lilian knew that there was no way that he would ever look at her like that again. Why would he? 

He had a daughter whose soul shined as bright as the stars in the night sky. She wanted to think that Mandy was heaven sent. A gift from God in order for her and her husband to salvage the remains of their unholy matrimony. 

That is probably another reason Lilian was uncomfortable with the purity her daughter possessed. Her marriage with her husband has been on the rocks for a while now, and deep down, Lilian knew it had nothing to do with her daughter's suicide attempt. 

She was always one to believe in love, but never in relationships. To her, love was something of cosmic importance. Something that made the stars sighed in relief when two soulmates found there way to each other. When she found that spark, the one that has been constantly talked about in words of poets and lyrics of songs, she was ecstatic. She had finally believed that life was worth living. 

What she didn't expect, was for that spark to fade. 

Her love for him started to come undone, and it was like nothing could ever spark it up again. She began to lose hope of something ever being able to save her from the ashes of what once was a raging wildfire of romance. 

Until she met him. 

It was just so easy with him. He made her laugh and she felt as if she could really be herself again. She felt alive again. The meetings with him became more often, and the lies piled themselves up. One thing led to another, and she got pregnant. 

Being faced with the choice of either staying with a man she knew loved her, or running away with a man she barely knew, caused her to fall into a depression. Her husband noticed the way she was acting, but she pushed him away, knowing she didn't deserve his affection. Nights became longer, meals became smaller. It wasn't until she had fainted after a long day at work, did both of them take the measures needed for a change. 

We always care too little too late. 

It was at the hospital that her husband found out she was pregnant, and she denied ever knowing. Little did she know, that the lie would carry on for 18 years, eating away at her soul and chipping away at her conscious. 

Maybe that was why she despised Mandy. She had no idea how something so pure can come out of a scandal like that. But then, her daughter was caught up in a scandal of her own, and she wasn't there to help her. Lilian never noticed the innocence leave Mandy's eyes, it was not like she wanted to. Her daughter's presence gave her someone to blame for her misdemeanors. It was Mandy's fault that her marriage was dying, she was conceived with the fruit of the poisonous tree after all. 

Perhaps, what Lilian had to learn, was that mistakes will always be made. That a spark wasn't love, because love is what happens after that spark. That love was an action, a commitment, a devotion. Love was something that took time, and didn't need to be as complicated as she made it. 

If she learned that earlier, she wouldn't have married the wrong man. She wouldn't of had secret rendezvous with a stranger. 

She wouldn't of ruined her daughter.