Existence

20. thoughts

"I'm done feeling worthless, imperfect. You hit me where it hurts. You put the blade right on my wrist and slit and till there is burst of blood. Dead." -Teqkoi & Snøw

When Mandy awoke, she half expected to be restrained to the bed again. After all, she had her hallucination. The doctor said she always took news so easily, but deep down, she didn't understand the disadvantages of her illness. 

What kind of person can't tell what is real and what isn't?

A crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. With a sigh, she sat up from the bed and stretched out her arms. With the marks of her pillow engraved into her left cheek, she washed away the remains of her morning breath in the sink. She has been "awake" for a couple of days now. 

A couple meaning two. 

She felt herself going insane, or maybe the pain was a sign that she was becoming sane again. She didn't know what to think. In all honesty, she never knew what to think. Every thought consumed her entire being like a swarm of constant suffocation. Each one would counter the other, and she never knew which one to follow. 

She didn't know what she did to deserve this constant battle, but then realized that this is a battle everyone faces. The overlong battle of right and wrong and the stress that comes with standing on the tightrope of being morally correct. 

"Hello Mandy." The voice startled her out of her thoughts, and she tried to cover up the mortification that followed. 

"Please tell me you're real." She sighed. 

He smiled, "Ouch, I take it you don't remember me?"

She shook her head. 

"Well, I am real."

"That's exactly what a hallucination would say." She snorted. 

He pondered the thought for a moment, "Okay. But, can a real person do this?"

Suddenly, Mandy was caught up in an embrace that felt way to comforting to not be real. His scent filled her nostrils, and she couldn't help but chuckle at the irony. Why would he smell of the lavender flowers that grew at the base of a hill? She didn't complain, because of the feeling of his arms wrapped around her, was inexplainable. For the first time since she awoke, she felt at home. 

At Peace. 

But then, the tears began to build up in her eyes and she felt her breath catch in her throat. Her ex boyfriend, the perpetrator of her story, made her feel at home. Lucifer, the hero of her hallucination, made her feel at home. What made this guy any different?

She pushed him off, "What was that for?"

"You looked like you needed a hug," He shrugged. 

"Who are you?"

"A friend."

"That's what my psychiatrist said."

"Yeah, but I am not him."

"Of course you aren't. You're way hotter." She didn't regret the words that spilled out of her mouth, because they were the truth. Not to mention the fact that she was insane, and no one would take her words seriously. 

"That's because I am his son." He said with a straight face.

"Please tell me you're joking." Her eyes went wide. 

His straight face went on for another minute, before he burst out into laughter, "No, I am not."

"Hmff." 

"Stop being so gullible Adair." He ruffled her hair affectionately, "The names Tay. Short for Tayden." 

"If we really are friends, show me a picture of us."

"I have so many."

"Just one will suffice."

He pulled out his phone and let her look at the photo, and her eyes teared up again, "You're real."

"I am."

"Why can't I remember you? Why can't I remember anything?" 

"I am not sure, no one is, but I am here to walk you through it." 

"Who are you though?"

"Well, I am you're "spiritual mentor" if that makes any sense whatsoever." He made air quotes in the air with his fingers, "You're parents hired me from the church. They believed that what you had was a spiritual disease and can only be solved with God himself. After a while, you and me became friends, and I couldn't take their money anymore."

"And what do you think?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think my soul is sick?"

"To an extent," He took a second to think about the words he has to say, "I am a strong believer in God. I grew up in the church and always adored it there. So, it goes without saying, that I think that God permits everything that happens. You still have your morals Mandy, but that doesn't mean you are off the hook. Some of your symptoms can be explained, but the rest of them are just vague and inexplainable."

"You seriously didn't answer my question."

"That's the thing Mandy, I can't," He said with so much certainty that it honestly began to make her uncomfortable, "This is a spiritual battle. Your spiritual battle. There is nothing I can do, but have faith in the fact that you will get there."

"Well if God wants me to come to him, why did he make me like this?" She scoffed and crossed her arms, unconsciously letting her ignorance blind her from the truths the boy in front of her is trying to desperately to say. 

"Mandy-"

"Get out."

"What?"

"I said get out," She looked him dead in the eye, "Before I have the nurses force you out."

"What did I do?"

"Enough. You've done enough," She sighed, "Now leave."

He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but decided against it. Begrudgingly, he sighed to himself and walked away. 

Mandy's eyes followed his figure until she couldn't see him anymore. It killed her inside, how much she wanted him to stay but couldn't form the words to do so. It was like a blockage in her throat, constricting the words she so distressingly wanted to utter. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew that it was better for him to leave. But the other parts of her, just wanted someone. 

Someone to lessen the burden of being alone. She knew that she dug herself into this hole, but didn't think that she would lay there without anyone else. How pathetic was it, that she couldn't even spend two days in the company of herself? Perhaps, this was something she had to learn before she could even think to let someone else in. 

That she knew, she knew what was the right thing to do, but how can she bring herself to do it fully?

She confuses everyone around her, all because she can't stick to a decision. All she wants to do is scream. To scream about how messed up she is, but also about how sorry she is. To yell at the top of her lungs and let all of her issues come into light. She wants her cries to be heard by someone, by anyone. 

Yet, at the same time, she wanted to self destruct all on her own. For once in her life, she wanted to actually listen to someone other than herself and relieve everyone of the burden that she was.  They would all be happier without having to care for a lost cause like her. 

So she did the most rational thing she thought of.