Existence

8. control

"Maybe it's a blessing in disguise, I see my reflection in your eyes." The Neighbourhood 

It was time for the two to go on another adventure and Mandy was beyond ready to see the life she would have had. His plan was working, but not well enough. It pulled at her heart strings knowing that she would have had a shot at a happy life, but she was okay with the decision she made. 

"You brought me to a cafe?" She asked, slightly surprised.

"Yup."

"No offense, but I thought that you would have shown me my college life, or my wedding day." Her remark was accompanied by a laugh, a teasing glint in her eye. 

"You're too quick to assume," He turned around with two mugs of coffee in his hands, "Shut up and drink your coffee."

They took a booth in the far corner, with the perfect view of the entire cafe. A couple moments passed and Mandy saw herself enter the cafe. Mandy couldn't help but notice the way she carried herself. She stood tall with her head held high with eyes that held a wisdom that is only achieved with age. She matured. Mandy saw it in the way she just was. She watched the older version of her scan the cafe, until they landed on guy. Then, she watched the smile reveal on her face almost instantly. 

oh no. 

Mandy silently screamed at the older version of her, hoping that since they were the same person, they shared the same thought process. But, that is what comes with true maturity.  A change in one's thought process. So Mandy just watched herself sit down in front of him. He was cute enough. Shaggy hair with glasses framing his eyes. His jawline was covered in a stubble, and his shirt looked like he slept in it. 

"Well, I guess my taste in men hasn't changed over time." She muttered, earning a laugh from Lucifer. 

"You never went for the clean cut guys. I wonder why."

"I just never was attracted to them. They were so perfect, yet so eerily dull to me. Even the brilliant ones. It was fun to fantasize about a perfect life with a perfect husband and perfect kids, but deep down, I know it isn't what I want."

"That is why you got hurt the last time. You thought he was going to be your future."

"Yeah. I was stupid enough to forge my future around him too. I am glad he left me though," She said while pointing to herself across the cafe, who was wearing a university hoodie, "Otherwise I would never of gotten into Harvard."

"So you're completely fine with the breakup?"

"I guess. I think it is because I saw the future," She started, "In the moment, it felt as if I would never be the same. Now, it looks like I am completely fine without him."

"So you're saying that if people can see a future with someone, they can see a future without them?" He asked. 

"Well no, but fair point." She finalized. 

Mandy continued to watch her older self and the guy. It seemed as if she was tutoring him, or helping him out with something. 

"What am I doing with him?"

"Oh come on," Lucifer smirked, "I got to keep some mysteries away from you."

"No fair." She pouted.

"If you know everything that will happen, then why would you go back? I haven't known you long Mandy, but I do know you like what lies in the uncertainty."

"Since when? I love being in control, you know that."

"No. You think you love being in control. But I think that you're happiest when you let life run its course."

"What?-"

"Your concept of happiness is so fucked up," Lucifer said incredulously, "When will you learn that happiness isn't a destination?"

"Uh, I know that," She huffed, "Happiness is just a mood."

"So why are you chasing a mood? Why do you try to control everything in hopes that once it is all under control, everything in life will just be dandy?"

"I never wanted to live a happy life." She said as she looked at herself enjoying herself on the other side of the small cafe. She watched herself genuinely laugh at the lame jokes he cracked. The smile on her face reaching her eyes, which automatically put a smile on his. A couple minutes later, she watched herself place her hand over his. She didn't know what she said to him, but it was enough for his eyes to water slightly. The words following her mouth were easy to read. 

You're going to be okay. 

"Then what life did you want to live?" Lucifer asked, his eyes on her as she watched the scene of her life unfold. The older Mandy stood up and extended a hand to the guy, pulling him into an embrace. 

"I just wanted to live a life worth living." She quietly whispered, blinking back the tears in her eyes.