Existence

12. hesitance

"You see, you wouldn't ask why the rose that grew from concrete had damaged petals. On the contrary, we would all celebrate its tenacity. We would all love its will to reach the sun. Well, we are the roses. This is the concrete. These are my damaged petals. Don't ask me why. Ask me how." - Tupac Shakur 

Mandy was still hyperventilating in the corner of the wedding venue by the time everyone left. It bothered her that she was apparently fated to marry someone. It was an ironic thing. Knowing that heaven and hell was real, was something she was easily able to wrap her head around. It was the fact that everything was planned, that she couldn't understand. Was all the pain planned for her? For everyone?

Or was the pain never planned at all? 

She wasn't one to believe in destiny. She liked to believe that everyone had the power to shape their lives the way they wanted. That everyone is the master to their own happiness. She liked to think that with enough resilience, she could make it somewhere in life. 

but she gave up way too early.

Maybe what Lucifer said was true. That God loved people and he isn't the one that inflicts pain on them. She didn't think the Devil did it either, but she didn't know him either. She figured that he was right about the fact that people inflict pain on themselves and other. There is no logic behind it, but his words spoke truth. 

The wars. The corruption. The murders. The guilt. The hate. 

It was nothing but mere human sin. Yet, it had enough power to destroy us all. 

Or maybe, she wasn't able to feel love because she didn't believe she deserved it. She believed that she was nothing more than damaged goods. Nothing but a liar, a fake. A sinner. 

How can God love a sinner?

"What was that?" Lucifer asked as he knelt down the her curled figure on the floor, "I thought you'd be happy to see your wedding." 

"Didn't last night mean anything to you?" She whispered, refusing to look at him, "I thought I could do it. I thought that it would be easier to just give myself to you in the beginning. To convince myself that it will be easier to just give you what you wanted, so it won't feel like you took something from me when you left."

"Your logic is confusing. I am not the one leaving, you are." He said curtly, eyes ablaze.

"You think I want to?" Her voice raised, "What makes you think that I want to go back? You know, your plan is flawed. You show me things that give me hope for something, but you do things to me that make me want to stay."

"Mandy-"

"No. You made it clear. All you want to do is make me go back, but I can't unless it is my choice to. You don't have the power to send me back. This is all just a ploy isn't it? To push me until I break, just so you can show God that you can."

"Mandy-"

"You had a whole fucking millennia to change, yet you are still envious of him. How the hell do you think that you can change me in a month?" She stood up hastily, "Last night was a mistake."

Lucifer didn't bother saying her name again, but he didn't let her go either. Grabbing her upper arm, he pulled her back into his arms and crashed his lips to hers. She attempted to push him off of her, and he released her lips only to attack her neck instead. Soon enough, she succumbed to the feeling his body close to hers and he chuckled deeply. She shivered when his teeth grazed her earlobe and her head tilted back in sheer pleasure. 

"Lucifer-" It his turn to cut her off, and he did so with a kiss. It was soft, making butterflies explode in her stomach. His hands gently caressed her waist and she found her fingers tangling themselves in his golden locks. The kiss broke off shortly, and he rested his forehead against hers. 

"Mandy. Things change you know," She didn't day anything so he continued, "Maybe I wanted to use you to prove a point in the beginning, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't care."

"But you don't love me do you?" She asked.

"I mean, uh-"

"Save it." 

It was in his hesitation, that she found her answer. 

& this time, he let her go.