Existence

13. empty

"I reach for me, but I'm not there. It's so lonely, but who cares? It's fine, it's okay, I'll die anyway." - girl in red 

This wasn't hers. This life, these moments, they weren't hers. They were just fictitious visions based off of what he thought she wanted. 

but didn't you want this?

She couldn't help but think it all over. She was literally dying for all of it. She was dying to graduate. Dying to meet the love of her life. Dying to get married. Dying to have a perfect life. She was dead now, or she will be soon. It was time for her to figure out what she really wanted. Because perfection wasn't it. 

Mandy was tired of being a walking contradiction. 

It was like every thought was countered with another, and she can feel the threads of her mind coming apart. Her mind was a mess, yet she felt like she was losing it. She had no idea who she was. She couldn't even begin to love herself, because who will she begin loving?

Will she love the rebel? The one who had an activist's blood coursing through her veins. The one who relished in the thrill of pushing society's stigmas and proving people wrong. The one who hated to obey any rules of any sort. 

Or the damsel. The one who was in constant distress. The one who locked herself in a tower of her own ignorance, as she prays for a knight to battle the dragon who breathed flames of self inflicted hate. 

Or maybe, she will love the basket case. The one with a self esteem as low as her grade point average and zero desire to better herself. The one who has come to terms with the grave she has dug herself into. 

She had no idea who she was supposed to love. Which version of her deserved it? None, really. But she wanted to make one of them worthy of the love 

Or at least she thought so. 

She is walking the thin line of deciding who she wants to be, or who she can become if she just wanted to. She is standing on a bridge that is slowly deteriorating, faced with the choice of doing what is right or reaching for something fabricated, and time is running out. 

It took her a great amount of time to be comfortable with who she was. It wasn't love, but she was okay with the person she was.  It was someone she has grown accustomed to. If she loses that chunk of her, she will have to learn to love whatever comes to replace it. 

She is nothing short of scared. Terrified to go through that wretched path once again. It's gruesome, filled with self loathing and emptiness. She honestly doesn't think that she will make it out alive. He already left with a giant chunk of her, and if she loses this chunk too, there might not be anything left. 

There will be nothing but the embers of a wildfire that once stirred inside of her. She will be left empty, with nothing left to fill that void. But, she had to make a decision. 

time was running out and the decision terrified her. 

"Mandy?" Lucifer's voice brought her back to the present, shaking her out of her thoughts. He treaded carefully, as if he was approaching some frightened animal. 

She didn't answer and only then did he notice the destruction that surrounded around her. All the flowers that were once planted beautifully, were pull out and stomped on. The decorations were tattered, hanging haphazardly by a thread. 

"Sorry about the mess." She chuckled humorlessly. 

He knelt down to her curled up figure, and nudged her slightly. When he didn't get a reaction, he just sat down next to her, waiting for her to speak. 

"I'm sorry," She started, "I didn't mean what I said back there."

"We both know you did," He shrugged, "It's fine, you have nothing to be sorry for anyways."

"But you-" She took a deep breath before continuing, "Okay. Lucifer can I tell you something?"

"Of course," He smiled, "You know you can always voice your thoughts around me."

"Right," She nodded her head, "Well, I guess I can start with the fact that I haven't always been like this, but that will be a lie."

"Been like what?"

"Empty. I feel nothing." 

"Now that, is a lie," He scoffed, "If you didn't feel anything, then why did you attempt to end your life?"

"Because I feel nothing!" She said exasperatedly, "And I hate myself for it."

"I don't even know what to say, or if I even believe you," He shook his head, "I am the devil and I still feel something."

"Well let me explain this shit to you then," She sighed, "People tell me to be happy, as if it is just something that I can control. Like there is a switch in my brain that can just transfigure every pessimistic thought into one of optimism. The worst part is, I have this pathetic way of justifying myself. Like I can't just own up to what I am feeling. 'Being human doesn't mean feeling happy, it means you're able to feel everything.'  I guess there is some truth to that statement, but there is also an underlying hypocrisy. I preach about emotions so often, that no one stops to wonder if I feel anything. And that is exactly what I feel. Nothing. I wasn't an emotional mess after he left me. Sure, I shed some tears, but I cried because I felt nothing for the absence of a person I thought I loved. I was hit with the clear cut clarity, that I continuously set myself up for failure. All because I am afraid to feel."

"Woah." Lucifer blinked a couple times in sheer awe, and she quivered under his gaze. There was a thought that occurred to him in that moment, and he doesn't know if she was able to be saved. She was scared to feel because every emotion she was able to remember was sadness, anger, and loneliness. She refuses to let herself feel again, because well, it got her nowhere. Everyone deserves a shot at redemption, but how can you save someone who doesn't want to be saved?

You love them.