What Voldemort Left Behind

Chapter 56 - Mistakes

AUTHORS NOTE: I wrote this before i knew that MY last school year was coming to an end months early 😂 do you ever write things and read them back and think about where you were when you wrote? Life was normal when i wrote this omg i miss it

The sun was beginning to rise and James lay back onto his bed. He couldn't sleep, yet he felt a draining tiredness all the time. He was bored of sitting here but at the same time he didn't care to leave his room, every time he did it only ended in tears or frustration. He wasn't even sure what day it was.
James was in the middle of his NEWT exams, he knew he was failing but he didn't care. He didn't go back to Hogwarts, his mum would take him or his brother who was doing his OWLs, to school whenever they had an exam, neither felt like going back to boarding. Apparently Albus was fairing much better in school, talking to his best friend. James ignored everyone unless they asked him simple questions. When he would walk through the corridors, everyone would stare, giving him sympathetic looks, some handing him flowers and cards and chocolates. He could also hear their whispers that something wasn't right with him. James knew he wasn't handling anything right, most people didn't miss two months of school after a death, even if it was a parent.
He knew his mum was very concerned about him, insisting he meet with his dad's Healer to talk about his feelings. James didn't feel it helped, but he didn't care to say. At least it gave him a reason to move from his room.
He heard a knock on the door. "Jamie, I'm coming in."
"Breakfast is ready, you're coming downstairs to eat it, no NEWT exams today," his mum told him gently. "Madam Pomfrey will be here at 11 o clock. I'm going to work today to let them know I won't be back."
Mum no longer wanted to work as a Quidditch reporter, she had "other plans" but wouldn't tell James or Al or Lily what they were just yet.
James followed her downstairs for breakfast, Kreacher as usual piling plates with toast. Lily and Albus were already there, these days they were ahead of James in everything. While Albus studied for his OWLs with Kreacher most of the time, Lily spent her time between school work and extra projects, learning new potions and different types of magic. Both of his siblings were doing a lot better than he was. None of them wanted to go back to school through all of the questions and mourning, the world insisted in bringing the horrible topic back up.
10:55 came and James dragged his feet towards the living room, waiting for the Healer to arrive.
Another appointment happened, after it James was left feeling slightly angry, but he wasn't quite sure why. He was left with more Calming Draughts to take, when would it stop? He hated his life, hated not being able to keep hold of his emotions. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt happy, but at this point he'd take even neutral.
All at once, James felt the urge to move, to shake the feeling off. His broom. He tore outside towards the broom shed as fast as he could go.
James noticed it was warm, he didn't remember the last time he was outside but it definitely hadn't been this sunny. He grabbed his Nimbus, leaving the protective Quidditch gear strewn across the floor. He sprinted across the wooden broom shed and out, feeling the soft grass under his shoes, not for long. The air smelled of trees and grass, James pulled himself over his broom and flew into it. The sunlight blocked half of his already poor vision but he welcomed it, he didn't want to see, he didn't want to feel.
He streaked through the goalposts, pushing himself to fly faster than was comfortable, higher and higher. The wind whipped him in the face, suppressing all thoughts that weren't present here. He tried to slow, the pace and height getting almost uncontrollable. The house was a little too small from his angle and he tried to turn the broom, then flying downwards at an odd angle. He felt the handle slip away from him.

-

Lily rushed downstairs.
"Mum, look at James outside, I don't think he's flying safely."
Her mum wasn't in the kitchen. Lily noticed the back door swing closed, she must've gone outside.
"James!" her mum yelled.
He was lying on the ground, still. His broom was nowhere to be seen but Mum seemed far more concerned with his injuries. She conjured a stretcher, gently levitating him on, bringing him inside.
"Lil... get Kreacher and send him up to me, and after that, explain to your other brother what happened."
Her mum's face was pale and she was clearly worried, but this didn't seem like an emergency, she wasn't rushing. Maybe the motive was more of a concern to her than the actual result.
Lily wondered if he'd done it deliberately, if he have ever meant to inflict damage on himself. Her brother had been acting weirdly for a while but it couldn't have escalated this far, could it?
After Kreacher was called and Albus was told, Lily sat against the wall outside James' room with her brother, waiting. She felt around her pockets and came across an Extendable Ear.
"...be all right in a few days. Skele-gro always does the trick, much easier to regrow the arm rather than risk not putting it back together just right."
"Do you think he did?" her mother whispered, scared.
"That is impossible to say. You need to wait until he feels better and talk to him. Sooner rather than later I'd suggest."
Lily made use of her quick Chaser reflexes to hide the Extendable from view as Madam Pomfrey opened the door. She smiled at them sadly as she passed. Lily put her head around the door, her mum was sitting beside James' bed, crying.
It was extremely rare to see her mum cry but it had been happening a lot recently, Lily hoped this wouldn't become the usual.
-
James opened his eyes and reached around for his glasses, he was as blind as Slytherin's Basilisk without them. He felt as if he'd been trampled by a Hippogriff. Looking up, he noticed his mum watching him.
"James Sirius Potter, what the... what do you think you were... You could've died Jamie," the anger melting away as she finished.
"Sorry," James said a little guiltily.
"Did you mean to hurt yourself?" she asked quietly, staring at him.
James was baffled. "What? No! Why would I do that?"
His mother sighed in relief. "I was a little worried after everything... how you'd been reacting. It's all right."
Her voice grew sterner, "Why were you flying so dangerously? Did you not think we were all stressed enough as it is? That all I needed was more to deal with?"
One minute she was being all nice and kind and the next she was screaming at him, what was going on? James wondered if she'd fall for it if he pretended to fall back asleep. He doubted it. He decided to go with telling her the honest truth.
"Flying usually makes me forget. It was harder today and I kept remembering stuff so I flew faster to make it go away, I don't want to remember but I can't stop thinking. It's been a month and I can't forget."
Mum sighed, staying quiet for a minute.
"I know it's difficult, you've had to deal with a lot. Your dad was very ill and it hurts me too, but he couldn't keep living like that. You wouldn't have wanted him to keep suffering. He told me when he died the first time... he talked to the dead. James, Lily, Albus, Sirius and Remus."
She paused as James recognized the names.
"They were all right and they knew what Harry had done while they were gone. He'll always be watching over you as proudly as James and Sirius watched him."
"It just doesn't feel right here knowing he isn't coming back."
His mum looked at him sadly. "It won't for a long time and it doesn't get better. Eventually it will feel normal not to have him here, just like it does with Granny."

-

James was very bored over the following few days, his mother and Kreacher's orders to rest made him restless and uncomfortable, he had enough of sitting around.
"Look," Albus pointed outside, "there's our OWLs and NEWTs."
Oh great, a piece of paper telling him exactly what a failure he was. The Hogwarts owls dropped the letters before quickly disappearing. James picked up his letter in trepidation.

Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Test Results

James Sirius Potter has achieved:

Defense Against the Dark Arts - E
Potions - P
Charms - P
Muggle Studies - D
Transfiguration - T

James swore under his breath. He knew this was coming but it didn't make it any better. One single NEWT and James had always received Outstandings in Defense, a high Outstanding at that, never even close to Exceeds Expectations.
"An O in Defense, E in History, Muggle Studies, Transfiguration and Charms and A in everything else," Albus read, "Not the best but at least I didn't fail any."
"Well done Al, that's good, you'll be able to choose most things for NEWT," Their mother hugged him.
She glanced over at James who wordlessly handed over his sheet. He looked down at his feet, fidgeting.
Her eyes widened, she blinked in surprise as she read it.
"Jamie..."
"I just couldn't do it. I knew I'd messed up but nothing was getting better. I don't want this to be my life, I don't want to be the rich lazy failure. I want to go back and do it again, properly."
"You want to go back to Hogwarts?" Mum clarified.
"Yeah."
His mum stayed silent for a full minute.
"I promise you I will try and work something out," she said seriously. They stayed quiet for another while, Albus didn't say a word either. James felt awfully guilty.
"Are you angry?" he asked quietly.
"No, I would be if I thought you were just being lazy. Albus, go to your room. James... sit down."
Mum was calm, but her voice carried a tone that James didn't recognize and didn't like much either.
"Jamie, I think you've been having problems recently, aside from the obvious. I want to help you and I don't want you to ever feel the way your dad did."
James began to cry and didn't stop for an hour, he kicked the kitchen chair and table in frustration, running his hands through his hair.
"I've pushed everyone away, made them hate me, even if I can go back, how can I go back?"
"Like who?"
"All my friends, every girl who liked me, the whole of Gryffindor House, everyone at the funeral..."
"Why do you think they hate you?" his mother asked calmly.
"Because I told them I didn't want to see them, that I would hurt them if they came near me, that they didn't deserve to miss and cry about Dad, and more that I can't even remember."
"How did they react?"
"They backed off and everyone left me alone and stared at me."
"And why do you think they hate you?" she repeated.
James shrugged. "Who wouldn't?"
"Have you ever seen someone grieving before?"
"Not really, unless you count Dad and his was more than grieving."
"And how did he act?"
"He got angry and sad and not like he was normally and would avoid everyone." James paused, "But that was different."
His mother looked at him. "And did you hate him?"
"Of course not! He didn't mean it and he needed help, he wasn't like that all the time."
They sat in silence for a while, James thinking over what she had said, or rather, didn't say.
"You miss him a lot too, don't you?" James asked.
"As much as you do. It was unfair what he endured, what I always wanted for him was a quiet life, not too quiet of course, he wouldn't have sat at home, but I wished he could escape the past like your uncle and aunt and me are able to. The Auror years were hard on him too, I tried not to let you three notice anything was wrong, but it wasn't normal for an Auror to get injured as much as that, they were directly targeting him because of who he was. When he became unwell, I made him retire. I noticed something was wrong a while before that, but your dad can be very stubborn, especially when he thinks he could be doing others good. I'm glad he's not in pain any more, even if it means it's hurting me."