B R E A K - Jikook

1

1:00 am.

I glanced at the clock on my phone screen, flinching slightly as the bright white numbers flashed on my sleep-deprived eyes. I set my phone back down in the counter and sighed. I limply let my arms drop back down, my hand brushing against the cold white tiles. I wrapped my hands around my knees and buried my face in them, lighting my back away from the wooden door behind me. I sat alone on the dark bathroom floor, huddled up like a scared pathetic little baby. it was disgusting.

even though it was only 1, I knew I wouldn't get to sleep. despite the growing tiredness infecting my daily life my brain has decided to not allow me to get a full night's rest in 2 weeks. the few hours I did get were plagued with nightmares, a pathetic thing for a grown man like me to experience. last night I got no sleep at all, and tonight I might break my record of not sleeping for 2 days.

I shut my eyes tight, attempting to block out all of the thoughts racing through my head. each one worse than the last, filling my mind with negative scenarios and horrible images. one would think id be used to it by now, but every time I think can withstand it just gets worse and worse.

every day and every night it was exactly the same. id spend hours and hours running around aimlessly attempting to distract myself from my own brain until I lost hope and succumbed to the mercy of my thoughts. it was like I was stuck in repeat.

every day, every minute, every second was exactly the same. it was like I was stuck in a time loop, and I keep pushing and pushing trying to break free but no matter what I do it just goes back to the same day again and again and again. everything felt so pointless.

what's the point in living life like this. what's the point in living if I can't be happy. why should I have to live a life where all I do is try to distract myself from the fact that I'm alive. it didn't make sense for someone like me to be alive. I'm sure no one would miss me anyways...

I lightly traced the outline of a tile with my index finger. the rough concrete scraping gently against my skin. I drew the diamond shape over and over again, a meager attempt at distraction as the thoughts began to get worse.

I wasn't really needed here. the other members would be fine without me. everyone says I'm a bad singer anyways, and if I leave taehyung can finally be in the dance line like he deserves instead of me. I never felt right being in that position when I knew there were other members who deserved it more. in fact, all the members deserved it more. I didn't deserve anything. I didn't even deserve to be alive, let alone call myself an equal to the others.

I heard a light tapping against the window slowly grow into full-on pounding. I giggled slightly. it was raining. what a coincidence, the second my mind starts getting stormy it begins to rain. it's like god has it out for me or something. I wonder what I did in my past life to piss him off so much. to deserve this punishment. I stopped tracing the square and looked up at the mirror beside me.

or maybe... maybe it's because of what I did, what I've done, what I do...

I looked away from the mirror, disgusted by my reflection. the sadness turned to anger. anger at myself. who the hell do I think I am, sitting here wallowing in self-pity. I deserve every bit of pain the world throws at me and then some. this isn't some stupid game, this is real life and I need to face the punishment I deserve instead of cowardly running away like I always do.

I clenched my fist. the urge to punch something fighting to get out of me. I wanted to hit the mirror, the floor, myself. anything to get this feeling out of me. I needed to realize it, I needed a realize.

I unsteadily pulled myself off of the floor, using the corner of the sink to push my self up. I looked back at the mirror once again, my eyes landing on the front of my thighs. I was only wearing a t-shirt so my bare legs were exposed, showing off the measly little lines decorating my pale skin.

red and pink crisscrossing lines etched into my body, some scabbed over, some still open and readd as fresh as the day I made them. from my hips to the middle of my thighs, it was all covered by the painful marks from past nights just like this one. I opened up the cabinet above the sink, pulling out the small red velvet box. a jewelry box, a gift from my mother. I wonder what she'd say if she knew what it was used for now. she'd probably be disgusted by me.

I set the box down in the sink and turned on the bathroom light. instantly I shut my eyes, blinded from the bright yellow-tinged light. slowly I was able to adjust to the sudden brightness, and I opened my eyes. I sat back down onto the floor, my legs outstretched so I could see all the of the space I had to work with. I grabbed my phone to check the time.

2:00 am.