B R E A K - Jikook

8

when we arrived at our hotel room it was already almost 1 am. I could see how tired jungkook was getting, even after his nap on the plane he was starting to fall asleep while we were in the taxi. I, on the other hand, was wide awake. wide awake as always. I stared out the side of the window, unable to focus on anything. I didn't feel like thinking at all. I didn't feel like moving. I wanted to lay in bed and never have to leave.

as soon as we got to the hotel room, jungkook plopped onto his bed face down, still wearing his coat. the old me would have probably laughed at him, or teased him for being so sleepy, but I didn't have the energy to even fake it.

"Jimin... I'm soo tired," he said. I replied with a monotone hum. he sighed and sat up slightly to take off his jacket and toss it onto the floor. he squirmed around to get the covers on top of him, eventually finding a comfortable enough position to sleep.

"I'm gonna take a shower," I said, almost emotionlessly, but he was too tired to notice. he hummed in response, already starting to fall asleep. I couldn't help but be jealous of how easily he fell asleep, I already knew how tonight would go, especially after that scene on the airplane.

I picked up my suitcase and grabbed a pair of my most comfortable clothes to sleep in. if I got to sleep that is. I really didn't feel like dressing up so I probably would just wear them out tomorrow anyway. I didn't have the motivation to look good. I opened up another pocket of the case and dug around for the velvet box. I knew I probably shouldn't even think about doing it in these circumstances, but I couldn't deny the growing urge in my stomach. if there was anything I needed right now, it was this.

I turned off the light in the main room and switched on the bathroom light. I locked myself in the unfamiliar white marble room and started to undress.

I stared at my bare legs in the mirror. they looked disgusting. I looked disgusting. how could anyone care about a person like me? there was no reason too. I lied to everyone. I made up a fake personality for them to attach too, and I fucked with their hearts all the while having cuts covering my legs. it was too late for anyone to love me. the real me.

I grabbed a single-edged razor blade from the box and dragged my feet into the shower. I fiddled with the knobs until I got the water to pour out, shocking my system as the freezing cold water hit my back. I quickly adjusted the temperature too much more comfortable, but still slightly painful burning hot.

I glanced at the shampoos but decided I didn't have the energy for a real wash. I barely had energy for anything, but the urge to tear up my thighs was too strong. the shower was just an easy way to clean up the blood.

I sat down on the shower floor, my back facing the showerhead causing the front of my body to get cold. I ignored it though, the really uncomfortable part was the feeling of the cold tile against my bare skin on the floor. I had to deal with it though, cutting your legs while standing up made it impossible to get any really satisfying cuts, and I needed to be satisfied. it had been too long since id did it already, even though its only been a day since id did it. I was craving it like mad. maybe I was addicted? I didn't care if I was anyways.

I sliced away at my right thigh, each cut getting progressively deeper and wider than the last. I made 4 cuts before I was able to get the layer of fat beneath my skin. the yellow bubbly insides slowly filled with blood, joining the other streams and flowing down my leg and into the drain. it was weird though, it barely hurt. it was like I couldn't feel it anymore. I could barely feel anything at all.

cutting was supposed to be my escape. a way to feel something other than sadness or emptiness. but it wasn't enough. the 5 gaping cuts an on my thigh weren't enough. there wasn't enough blood, the stinging pain was too dull. I wanted more. I needed more.

I never felt such a strong urge before. it was like I wanted to chop my whole thigh in half. I never wanted to seriously injure myself so badly. I knew I shouldn't, but the small patch of skin left before the top of my knee looked way to empty and inviting. I pushed the sharp edge down.

a sharp clink echoed through the shower as the blade dropped to the ground. I let out of loud hiss before quickly covering my mouth to contain any further sounds of pain. I looked down at my thigh, realizing what I had done.

the cut was bigger than anything id ever made before. it went all the way across my leg, completely taking up all the space left on my thigh. the fat was a darker yellow towards the inside of the cut, and I could see light blue lines beneath the transparent areas of yellow bubbles. it was almost an inch wide, I almost didn't want to belive how big I had managed to make it.

the pain was almost unbearable. all of my attention was focused on the patch of open skin, bursts if stinging pain shot through my body like bolts of lighting. it took almost 2 full minutes for the cut to fully fill with blood, and once it did it poured out so much I thought I was gonna stain the floor red.

I couldn't think of anything. I stared at the cut, my mind racing. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't go to the hospital. I knew it would probably need stitches, but I couldn't let jungkook find out. I started to panic as the reality of the situation set in.

this was a serious injury. I needed medical attention, but there was no way I would tell jungkook about this. I grabbed the blade, pulled back the shower curtain, tossed it into the toilet, and flushed it. I didn't want to look at it anymore. I never wanted to see another blade like that again.