B R E A K - Jikook

18

jm pov

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for pushing you, but... taehyung was there an I just-"

"it's ok, he knows" jungkook cut me off. my eyes widened in surprise. "after we flew to the hospital... I kinda told taehyung that I had feelings for you..."

my heart started beating faster.

oh god. he knows. he knows that I like men. he's gonna hate me, he'll never want to be near me again. he's gonna think I might he snatch him up. oh god... why do I have to be this way? why am I so disgusting?

"oh, he's ok with it though! u can see why you would be worried about this" he placed his hand on my shoulder. he must've noticed my switch in attitude. it had only been a little while since we've gotten closer, but he was already able to pick up on things like that. he leaned in and lightly pecked me on the lips. I blushed.

"so... does this make us..." I started, staring into jungkooks eyes dreamily. I swallowed, waiting for him to yell at me. he probably just thinks of me as a plaything, he probably doesn't even love me. who would want to date someone like me?

"id love to be a couple.. if you'd have me," jungkook said, he rubbed the back of his neck. his cheeks were flushed a light pink. for a moment, the dark thoughts in my head subsided, and I reached over to give him a kiss on the cheek.

how is his cheek so soft...

"so... when do you want to tell the rest of the members?" he asked, I pulled back.

"oh... shit..  yeah," I said. I bit my tongue.

"I can just tell them if you want, I'm sure they'll all be fine with it," jungkook said, giving me a reassuring smile, I looked down.

everything felt like it was going so fast. I really liked jungkook, and I was so happy to be dating him, but... having everyone know... they already found out about what I do to myself, I don't know if I could handle another one of my secrets being revealed.

"We don't have to do it now..."jungkook said, his voice a bit softer. I looked up at him.i felt so guilty, he seemed so excited to tell everyone... but I just couldn't handle it...

"Sorry but... I think I just need some time" I said. he slowly nodded, my heart ached at the disappointment in his face. " how about we just go back downstairs..."

"ok..." he replied. I turned around and walked to the stairway. I wanted to look back, but I couldn't bear to see that sad look again.

is this... how he felt when he saw...

I shook my head to push those thoughts out. I didn't want to believe that I had really caused him so much pain, so I just kept walking. once we reached the bottom of the stairs I started to walk back to my bedroom.

"you're not gonna eat?" taehyung asked, playing a game on the tv.

"I'm not really hungry right now, improbably just gonna relax a bit" I replied. taehyung stared at me for a second, then nodded and went back to his game.

"stay safe" jungkook said, then he quickly gave me a kiss and walked away to join taehyungs game.

when I got to my room and closed the door, a huge sigh flew out of my mouth.

it was only my first day back home and it was getting so stressful. my stomach ached for the familiar touch of metal, but there was nothing around I could use.

I woke up around 4 am last night. it wasn't unusual for me to be up at that time, but normally it would be because I stayed up all night, not because I passed out super early.

remembering what had happened before I fell asleep terrified me. I could already feel my heart start to beat faster just thinking about it. lying on the ground, shaking uncontrollably, not being able to breathe. I couldn't handle the thought of me having another one.

did I have a panic attack? was that... it couldn't have been... could it? no... I can't have panic attacks... that was too scary, it...  I cant deal with that again!

feeling my heart rate increase again made fear shoot through my veins. I instantly shot up out of bed, I needed to do something before it got worse.

There was no other option, I needed a blade. I needed to feel pain. I needed to cut.

I took a deep breath to calm myself down and started my search for blades. I crept through the dark hallways searching every place I could possibly find something sharp.

all of the kitchen knives were hidden, all of the scissors were gone. even the shaving razor in my bathroom was missing. I couldn't find a single thing to use.

I started to feel myself begin to panic again, and the fear of having another attack only helped to egg one on.

I desperately scratched my arms, pulling up the skin leaving pink lines of vertical stripes. it helped. slowly I began to calm down, and I got back into bed.

forget it... I can't live without pain... it's too late for me...

I'm already broken...