B R E A K - Jikook

16

as I fell onto my bed for the first time since this whole thing started, tiredness completely took over my body. slowly the high from jungkooks confession faded out, and I was back to my baseline mood of emptiness.

even after something so amazing happened, something I've been wishing for so long, I still feel like this.

my bedroom door was closed, but not locked. jungkook said he trusted that I would come to him if I felt like I needed to hurt myself. the other members said they trusted me to be alone as long as I didn't lock the door.

all of the things were unpacked and put back in their place except for one. the red velvet case.

nobody wanted me to hurt myself. that was clear. I could feel it the whole time we were all talking together. I could see it in their eyes. they all wished this had never happened. I already felt so guilty for hurting them,  I couldn't do that to them again. if they found out I cut again... they would be so disappointed in me.

still, though, the familiar itching sensation that always crept up on me at night came back. in the hospital, I managed to get by just messing with the stitches on my thigh. I ripped them out once, but after they re-stitched it I didn't feel like going through that process again. they took out the stitches only a few hours before I left, the cut was practically healed. no amount of poking or scraping would cause enough pain to satisfy me.

I knew I couldn't actually cut, that would be betraying the members, but I couldn't push away the nagging feeling slowly growing inside of me.

Do you think they really care? they probably just lying to spare your feelings? the only reason Jung kook said he liked you was because he felt bad for you. this isn't love, its pity. you're pitiful. you deserve to be hurt.

maybe it was too early for me. when jungkook saw the blood on my leg and followed me into the bathroom I didn't open the door because I wanted to stop. I opened it because I was tired of being alone.

I wasn't ready to stop. it was too strong. the monster inside of me, breaking me apart. shattering me into a million pieces, it was too strong. a week in a hospital and one heart to heart with the group isn't enough to get rid of it. in fact, it barely. even caused a scratch. maybe it's not too early... maybe its too late.

the monster was already so big, it took over my whole body. no matter how hard I tried to push it away, it came back.

you don't deserve to be happy. that confession was a fluke. he deserves someone better. someone who doesn't cause him so much pain. you should just die so he doesn't have to deal with you, but you're too much of a pussy to do that arnt you.. its fine though, no one wants to clean up your disgusting corpse anyway.

I needed a blade.

I wasn't going to cut, but I needed a blade. just holding the cold metal calms me down. I just need to have one next to me.

it was weird. the blades were dangerous. they could cut through my skin like paper, one wrong move could end up killing me, and yet, they made me feel safe. I always knew no matter what happened to me there was a box of blades waiting for me at home. ready to comfort me, to keep me safe. maybe I really have gone crazy.

I stood up and walked over to the suitcase that I packed for the Japan trip. I rummaged around to find the little red box, but I couldn't see anything in the dark. I tried to find it by feel, but all I felt was the silk inner lining. I sighed, I grabbed my phone and turned on the flash.

I searched through each of the compartments, nothing. my heart started beating faster.

where is it! oh god... oh god! where is it?!

I turned on the room light and searched the bag again. nothing. I looked through my drawers to see if it got mixed up with my clothes. nothing.

I checked every nook and cranny of my bedroom including the bathroom, but no matter how many times I checked rechecked every possible place it could be, there was nothing. I felt my breathing start to quicken, and my heart started beating even faster than before. Then, it hit me.

they took them. they took them away. of course, the wouldn't let me keep a box of blades in my bag. damn hospital workers! how could I be so careless! they're gone! my collection... the first one I ever used, gone!

"fuck!" I whisper shouted. I fell onto my knees in front of the suitcase and started shaking. I gripped at my chest, my heart started beating so fast I thought I was having a heart attack.

oh god... I'm gonna die... I'm gonna die... I can't...  I can't breathe... I'm gonna die!

I tried to yell for help, but I couldn't. I kept gasping for breath, but no matter how hard I sucked in my lungs felt empty. I tangled my hand in my hair and pulled it tight. I needed some sort of distraction.

I needed my blades, but there were none. I couldn't cut even if I wanted to. I was trapped. there was nothing I could do. there was no getting out of it. they were gone.

I pulled at my hair again, this time ripping out a small chunk of strands. the pain helped to calm me down a bit, but the panic that consumed my entire still wouldn't calm down.

I kept ripping out my hair until I slowly started to regain control of my breath. I started to attempt deep breaths with minimal success, but the amount of oxygen helped to calm me. beating heart. slowly the panic subsided and I stopped pulling my hair.

I took a deep breath, then looked down at the pile of hair on the floor.

I really pulled out a lot, didn't i...

as I pulled myself off the floor a wave of tiredness hit me. hyperventilating for almost 30 minutes probably wasn't the best thing for your energy. I stumbled over to the light switch and flicked it off. then I flopped back onto my bed.

I closed my eyes, not bothering to put the covers on myself, and started to drift to sleep...