B R E A K - Jikook

6

the sky slowly got darker, the sun slipping away beneath the horizon and the moon rising to take its place. white stars with rainbow glows shone across the dark blue background, giving life to the sky. it was beautiful. I stood on the terrace staring up at the sky.

it was the last night before the Japan trip. I knew I should probably be getting some sleep so that I won't be tired and miserable the whole time, but again my brain just couldn't let me. I would probably be miserable anyways. I already felt tense living in the same house as him, and now I'm gonna be spending two weeks with him in the same room? I must really be crazy to have agreed with that.

the slight glimmer of hope from before was gone. all I could feel was emptiness. everything felt so pointless. no matter how hard I tried I could never get a break. I was constantly scared, constantly worried, angry, sad. the few times I felt anything positive always made me feel worse in the end for allowing myself to be happy when I knew I deserved punishment.

I thrilled the small blade around with my fingers. I was packing my things when the little res box popped into my mind. I knew I had to take it, I couldn't live without it. or maybe more accurately, I couldn't die without it. I just didn't know where to hide it, let alone when I would be able to even cut.

id be with jungkook 24/7. even at night, his bed would be right next to mine. id never cut when someone was near me, even if they were sleeping. what if he hears it and wakes up? what if he finds out? hed probably throw me away for good. if what I did that night wasn't enough to scare him away, I'm sure this would be able to leave him absolutely disgusted by me.

I walled back inside, covering the glass door with the curtains. I didn't want to look outside anymore, I didn't want to see the sky. staring at something so beautiful for any longer would make me sick. it only reminded me of how disgustingly ugly my life was.

I didn't know if it has another chance, and the voice in my head spewing negative thoughts at me was particularly loud tonight. I sat down on my bed, next to the still open suitcase with clothes and other essentials tossed around the covers. the red box sat on my nightstand, still open, displaying all the silvery metal tools. I closed it. I had already decided what id use tonight.

the long thin blade ripped from a shaving razor. there was a pattern of holes along the middle, little circles, and rectangles decorating the blade. I'm sure they had some sort of practical use, but now they only served as another piece of the metal I could admire. the best part though was the blade.

it was small but dangerous. it was amazing how sharp such a thin sheet of metal could become. the light reflected off of it, the bright white highlighting the sharp edge. you could barely see the little red blood stains peppered throughout the surface, but I knew they were there. I remembered them.

I was wearing my bathrobe, giving me easy access to my legs. I had just taken a shower, so my skin was soft and tender. the perfect texture for cutting. this time, I chose my left thigh, there was a lot more space there and I knew I always tended to cut a lot more with this type of blade. I would probably be sitting here for hours tonight, but that's exactly what I wanted.

I held the blade between my fingers, and gently placed the middle of my thigh. I bit my lip and quickly slashed the blade across. instantly pain shot through me, blood quickly began to pool around the cut. I didn't hesitate to make another, then another, and another.

I made more and more until almost 4 inches of my skin was covered in the bright crimson blood. it stung like hell, and since my skin was wet the blood flowed even faster. it hurt so much like my leg was torn apart or mauled by a bear, but I refused to make a sound. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if someone heard me doing this.

when the pain was too much for me, I stopped. I reluctantly placed the razor on my nightstand and looked at the wild mess of cuts on my leg. there was so much blood. it dripped down forming a puddle on the floor, each little drop clearly audible in the silence, splashing the red liquid into tiny droplets staining the dark wooden floor.

it hurt, but seeing the blood made all the pain worth it. without thinking, I dragged my finger through the open cuts, down my thigh, wincing as it touched each one. I lifted my finger up, the bright red shone in the light. it was amazing. I couldn't believe how much power I had. all it took was a little razor and a bit of pain and I could cause this much blood to be spilled. I could cause this much damage in only a few minutes.

I placed my whole hand over the cuts. gently smearing it around, feeling the warm liquid and tiny slimy globs of coagulated blood. I lifted my hand up to admire the sweet color again.

what the hell am I doing...

this wasn't normal. this couldn't be normal. why would anyone think their blood is pretty? why would someone be so obsessed with making themselves bleed and feel pain? why do I think this way?

I stared down at my mess, the blood, the cuts, everything. I felt hot tears fill my eyes. I always knew this was wrong but I never felt so... broken before. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never have to face anyone again. how could I? I didn't have the right. I was lying straight to all their faces. lying about being good, normal, happy, everything. my whole life was a lie.

I went to wipe my tears, forgetting the mess on my hand and smeared the red all over my face. instantly the string scent of iron hit my nostrils, and I coughed.

I sniffled, attempting to real in my tears. it was fine, this was fine. I've been lying for so long, but everything's fine, right? I can just keep doing this forever. no one has to know. as long as I keep up this facade then I can quietly die in peace. they don't need to know, they probably wouldn't care anyway. this is fine, this is the way it's supposed to be.

I tried to wipe off the blood with my other hand but only managed to smear it further. I sighed.

I guess I'll have to take another shower now...