B R E A K - Jikook

3

once I finished cleaning up both the floor and myself, I checked my phone. it was 4 am. I spent almost 2 hours cutting. I guess time flies when you're having fun. the other members normally would be waking up soon, but as of yesterday, BTS is officially on a break.

I knew I should feel bad. like I wasn't working hard enough. maybe in the past, I would've, but now I feel like I just don't have the capacity to care about anything. I was completely unmotivated. I just wanted to be alone forever, in a place where I could sleep eat and laze around all I wanted. where no one would judge me for what I do, and no one was there to stop me from doing it.

but that would never happen. I didn't deserve it anyway.

after hours of being in the bathroom, I finally opened the door to my bedroom, turning off the light behind me leaving me in darkness again. every time I took a step on my right leg pain rippled through my body causing me to limp. I had to come up with a good excuse for that sometime.

I lazily walked over to my closet. as it got closer to morning time I needed to find a new outfit. I wished I didn't have to change clothes, but I didn't want the members to be suspicious. I grabbed the first comfy t-shirt and long pants I could find. I didn't want to wear jeans since the rough fabric hurt my cuts, so I wore black sweatpants to conceal any potential bleed through which was pretty much guaranteed with cuts this size.

as I put on the t-shirt I wondered to myself how long I would be able to wear something like that. what happens when I run out of room on my legs. I've already given up shorts, will short sleeves be next? the thought bothered me a little,  but I knew that when the time came I wouldn't hesitate to do it. I knew I was already too far into this to hold myself back. I probably would never be able to wear any recalling clothing for the rest of my life.

I fumbled with the hem of my shirt mindlessly as I walked through the room out to the balcony. I opened the glass sliding doors, a cold breeze instantly hitting my face. I walked out onto the concrete terrace barefooted, the rough ground scraping at my feet. the light wind blew my hair around leaving pink streaks in my vision. I shivered a bit from the cold but I didn't mind it. I rested my arms on the railing and looked down at the field below me.

the bright green grass gently swaying in the wind looked so soft from up here. without realizing it I let myself rise up on my toes as I leaned further over the rail. I watched a dead leaf fall from a tree, swaying side to side through the air gently landing on the ground beneath me to rest forever. I couldn't help but envy the leaf. I closed my eyes and let the weight of my upper body lean me over further and further until...

there was a knock at the door.

"Jimin, are you awake?"

I heard jungkooks soft voice from across the room. I dropped my heels without a second thought and walked over to the door. I sighed. I wanted to be alone right now, I didn't need anyone coming to bother me... especially him. I looked down, remembering that night. the terrible thing I did. I didn't want to remember it, but the thought was burned into my brain. the scene repeated over and over again, as my heart started to beat faster. my emotionless expression turned to panic, and suddenly I didn't want to open the door.

I stood there staring at the doorknob clutching my heart as the pounding in my ears became louder and louder. I shook my head, it was the past. we agreed to forget about it. we agreed that it never happened. there was another knock.

"Jimin?" he asked. a surge of anger shot through me at his almost desperate tone. he wants to hang out with me. he wants to be my friend despite what I did to him, and here I am panicking about something he doesn't even care about. I grabbed the doorknob without thinking and swiftly pulled the door open, immediately regretting my actions as soon as I saw his face. I felt my face heat up, but I tried to act casual.

"whats up kookie?" I asked as nonchalantly as I could, attempting to keep a relaxed expression. I stood to the side of the door to let jungkook in, then closed the door behind me. he walked to my bed and sat down on the untouched covers. I silently prayed that he wouldn't wonder why they were untouched as I made my way over to sit next to him.

"I was just bored. your rooms the closest and you're always up so I figured you'd be my best bet for entertainment" he said. I felt my self begin to smile, but instantly pushed down the true emotion and replaced it with a fake brotherly giggle. I playfully hit him as I sat down.

"I'm not always up!" I said, he snickered back. I felt the heat rush to my cheeks again, I turned away from him. trying to focus on something else in my room, but ultimately failing. nothing in the room was more captivating than the chocolate brown-haired man sitting next to me. without thinking my heard turned back to him.

he flopped down on the bed, rubbing his eyes and sighing loudly. his shirt lifted up slightly revealing the v shape on his hips. I tried to look away from the pale skin of his stomach, but my eyes kept traveling back to it no matter how hard I tried.

"actually Jimin..." he said. he rolled over in his stomach, rested his chin on his hand, and looked up at me with concerned eyes. I gulped, what was he gonna say? was he going to yell at me, curse me out? did he finally realize how bad I was? did what I do finally sink in enough for him to hate me? was this... the end for us?

his face turned serious, and he ruffled his hair a bit. he looked away from me, his eyes focused on the blue carpet. he sighed and hesitatingly opened his mouth.

"I wanted to ask you about something"