He Was a Friend

/38/ She means that much. /

"A decade? Since we graduated?" she asked, disbelief written in her eyes.

"Yep. I know it's cliche, but... Our friendship has always been so important for me to risk. If I chose to risk like this, and failed – that would mean I'll lose my 'shelter'. That possibility was too much for me to handle, so I never told you until now."

He looked at her face before continuing. Her eyes immediately looked down on her arms as soon as she met his gaze.

"You have always been the one who pushed me, and made me what I am now. If not, I would have just followed what other people expected from me, and not do what I really felt like doing in my entire life," he continued on.

He can still remember the countless times he had to argue with his father about it. His father wanted him to focus on his studies, and inherit some branches of their growing family business in logistics. It was only his mom who was supporting him on his music career then.

And of course, Lou, as well.

"And I've had girlfriends. You know, that. I tried to work it out with them sincerely, but... After a while, I just can't fool myself anymore. I wanted you. I needed you."

At that point, he got distracted when his phone vibrated. He opened the screen and saw that it was his RM, as usual. She was just beside him so she also saw who the caller was. She was about to open her mouth probably to tell him it's okay to answer it, but he silently put back his phone into his pocket and continued.

"You know how busy I am. I am not bragging when I say that. I am telling you, because every time, after all the day's work, your voice, your presence or even just knowing you're a few meters around me – would be all I need to recharge myself. That is why I always end up at the cafe around midnight and even during the wee hours. But these recent years, my frustration was reaching its peak."

His jaw tightened, and he cleared his throat as his voice tensed as he spoke.

"Eric. He was always somehow there. Or if you're not there in the cafe, I'll end up knowing you're somewhere else, but still with him. I was..." he sighed. "Jealous every time. It didn't feel nice at all. You can even feel it in some of our songs' lyrics lately since I'm the one composing."

She was pressing her arms with her hands as she looked around, with her ears turning bright red as the story progresses. He removed his own hoodie and placed it over her shoulder. She was surprised when he did so, but accepted it and wore it herself.

I know you enough to assume that you can't tolerate this much cold so you've always worn something thicker.

"And I was actually right. He looks at you the same way I do. I was thinking of a way to properly confess to you, but this Japan trip came out of nowhere, and you will leave with Eric then," he muttered darkly, while he was clearing the fog in his spectacles.

That was the longest four days of my entire life.

"You don't know how much I panicked then. I considered following you there and say to heck with everything, but I had no Visa. I had to do something drastic but powerful in that small amount of time you gave me. It was a gamble I wasn't used on doing, but had to take. Because of that, I've been through lots of scolding from my record producers, managers and staff even until now. And I apologized to the guys, too – for making such a ruckus in the middle of our very busy schedule," he grinned at her, when she finally looked in his direction with a flushed face.

"I'm sorry if I shocked you then, Lou. But even if we went back in time, I still would've done the same. That's how important you are to me... How I'm scared of losing you."

He got her left hand and placed it in his lips.

She was torn between confusion and at the same time worrying about him, as she tried to pull it away from him but he didn't let go.

"I was reaching my limit, so I planned to confess, despite all my fears. Otherwise, one by one, all those things and times that I share with you, will all be taken away from me. I don't want that. I'd rather risk this, and think of failure later. I'll manage somehow. Though I'll do everything I can to avoid that."

He kissed her hand again and this time, used his other hand to turn her face towards him by touching her chin softly. She didn't avoid his gaze, as if she has decided herself to face him at least this much.

He then quickly pulled her towards his chest and hugged her. He muttered his last words directly in her left ears, which went even more brick red after what he said next.

"Everything, Lou. Everything."