Janto oneshots

Numb

A/N:
⚠️TW: depression and mentions of suicidal thoughts and smoking and drinking (as unhealthy coping mechanisms)⚠️
Disclaimer I do not have depression and have never experienced suicidal thoughts. This is purely from research of the topic
————————————————————————

Ianto was numb. He wasn't always numb, but recently it had been a more common occurrence. He had been diagnosed with depression as a kid but his dad had shut it down quickly, stating that "no child of his could ever be weak enough to be depressed", which ianto knew was a stupid mind set but he couldn't help the trust he had in his father despite this. So he learned how to hide it, how to grin and bear it. Ianto didn't like to talk about the tough stuff. And today, he had to carry on like he was fine.

Ianto took a breath and made the coffee like he usually did, going through the motions but not quite registering them. Still, he didn't miss a step and made his way to the main hub to hand out the drinks. He rolled his eyes like normal when he got no more than a grunt or a nod in return and flirted with jack like usual when really, it felt like he was walking round with a head full of cotton wool. The shell of ianto.

Later in the day the team sent him to get a snack (donuts as per usual). As he made his way along the bay, deciding it was unnecessary to drive when he could walk, he passed a group of smoking teenagers. He had quit smoking two years ago when Lisa had told him kissing him felt like making out with an ash tray. Despite this, he felt himself eyeing the cigarettes longingly as he drifted further and further away from the teenagers. He followed his routine as he normally would: smiling at the girl behind the counter in the bakery, who knew him well enough by now, and nodding briskly as she once again attempted to flirt with him. Except today it was all a show. Today he didn't really want to smile, but he had to otherwise people would ask him what was wrong. That was always a tough question 'what's wrong?' Because most of the time, nothing's wrong it's just feeling too much and not feeling at all at the same time.

On his way back he passed an off license. He didn't really know how it happened, but within the span of 8 minutes he found himself purchasing a packet of cigarettes, a disposable lighter and a bottle of cheap whisky. He left the shop holding a carrier bag of his past knowing he would regret the decision later, but for that moment he was as content as he could be that day.

He entered the hub and immediately Owens voice sounded, "IANTO! Where the hell have you been? took you long enough". Ianto nodded to the Londoner "sorry had to stop of to get a few things for my self" he explained holding up the bag containing his guilty pleasures. Owen shrugged and grabbed a donut before disappearing back to his work space. Ianto's decided to alert the others of the food before slipping off "Girls?! Jack?!" He called "donuts here!".

He leant on the railings feeling slightly guilty as he clicked the lighter on and held it to the cigarette between his lips, shielding it from the wind with one hand. He shoved the lighter into his blazer pocket as he took a pull on the cigarette, the instant effects of his old nicotine addiction kicking in. He could almost hear Lisa tutting as he breathed the smoke out, but Lisa was dead now and there wasn't much she could do about it. He almost choked on the smoke when he heard a voice behind him "you know, those things will kill you". Recognising the voice ianto sighed, smoke curling from his lips "I know owen you're a doctor and you know all about..." he trailed off as he heard the click of the lighter next to him. He turned his head as Owen smirked at him pulling his jacket closer round himself in the wind "addictive though" the Londoner added as ianto rolled his eyes and tossed his almost finished cigarette to the floor and sniffing it with his toe.

Later that day ianto wanted to feel again. He reached under his desk suddenly glad for the blind spot in security cameras at this point in the archives, and pulled out the bottle of whisky. Not bothering about using a glass he flicked the cap off and tipped the bottle letting the burning liquid coat his throat. He didn't even cough when he took a larger gulp than he had meant too, in fact he was glad of it. A while passed of ianto nursing his bottle until he finally came to his senses. He could feel the slight effects of the alcohol, he wasn't drunk nor tipsy but he definitely wasn't sober and he needed to stop before the others realised and scolded him for drinking on the job. Ianto's hand twitched and he looked at it quizzically "seriously?" He muttered to himself "one cigarette and I'm already having withdrawal symptoms five hours later?". He sighed concluding that it must be due to how many he used to smoke in a day which, quite frankly, was rather a lot.

He still felt numb, he realised as he got up from his chair and dragged himself up into the main hub, reaching into his pocket before he even reached the lift. Owen glanced around him frowning and looking at his watch 'again?' He mouthed, ianto just gave him the middle finger before stepping into the lift. He took longer on this break mostly staring out across the water and wondering how easy it would be to just slip quickly between the bars and fall to his death into the icy depths of the water. No one would be any the wiser. "Ianto can you work some coffee magic" jacks voice cut through his thoughts on the comm and ianto sighed deciding it easier to just toss the end of the cigarette into the water, not caring about the wildlife living there.

He slopes up to jacks office and placed his coffee on the desk. Jack smiled up at him and frowned when ianto didn't smile back. He stood up and moved round the desk placing his hands on the welshman's hips. He pulled ianto closer, but as he did so he pulled a face "have you been drinking?". Ianto's eyes widened "no" he lied slightly too quickly. Jack sniffed the air "and..... smoking" he added "I didn't know you smoked". Ianto caved slightly "I don't.... well I used too it helps me feel but I quit two years ago and..." jack put a finger to Ianto's lips, cutting him off. The captain frowned as he put two and two together. The conclusion he came fo frightened him slowly as he looked more closely at Ianto's face. The mans eyes were bright, but they were the sort of bright one gets from alcohol. Behind the haze of drunk sat a much more numbed expression one that said he didn't really care anymore. Jack sighed pulling Ianto's close, he really wished he could save the him from every monster in his life.... but he couldn't.