zero • njh

• nineteen •

    "You know, I'm a bit of a crackhead." laughing Niall looks at me.

    I look at him with a mix of confusion and annoyance. He's holding on tightly to the branches of the tree with one hand and the other on my windowsill. Also, it sounds like he's been drinking, which would explain the stupidity of him coming to see me in the middle of the night. My heart is beating so fast in my chest, it's making it hard to breathe.

   "Can I come in? It's kinda uncomfortable up here." Niall then asks, still panting. For a second I debate whether or not I should let him in, but in the end I just nod and step aside. With much effort he climbs through my window, making as much noise as he can and making my heart beat even faster. If my dad wakes up and catches me with a boy in my room I'm done for. Niall closes the window and brushes over his shirt before looking at me with an awkward smile.

   "What do you want?" I ask, making sure to sound as annoyed as I can while crossing my arms in front of my chest after turning on my the little lamp next to my bed. He awkwardly shoves his hands into his pockets, just to take them out again seconds after and running one hand through his hair.
   "I- uh, wanted to see you."
   "And why exactly?" It's hard for me to stay calm, because I really feel like he's trying to play with my feelings again at this point. Though, I also can't deny that there are lots of butterflies in my stomach right now. God, I hate him. And myself. He rubs his neck and smiles at me before making a step forward. Gently, he puts his hand on my cheek and strokes it with his thumb, looking at me intently. I swallow the lump in my throat. I want to step away, push him away from me but I'm frozen in place. My face feels like it's on fire.
  
    "I just wanted to see you. No specific reason." he whispers with a low voice before pressing his lips onto mine. My eyes widen in shock and my hands fly up almost immediately in the attempt to push him away, but they just stay resting on his chest, unable to move.
   He moves his lips against mine softly. I can taste the alcohol on them as I reluctantly give in to his kiss. Slowly I close my eyes. I can feel him smile and he puts his hands on my hips, carefully moving them up under my shirt.

   Nialls cold hands on my skin send goose bumps all over my skin and my body tenses up. I push him away from me and he stumbles back two steps.
    "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I gulp under my breath. My chest feels like it's about to burst any minute. My head is spinning and I try to figure out how to handle this situation, because my heart is telling me to throw myself back into his arms but my mind demands that I stay away.
   "I-"
   "No don't." I say panting and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "You can't keep doing this to me. This back and forth is killing me. Who do you think you are that you can come here in the middle of the night and start all this again? First you flirt with me and then tell me to stay away, then you drag me to a stupid double date with another toy of yours. I'm not a little puppet you can play with, I'm a real human being with real feelings. You-" My voice cracks and suddenly I start bawling my eyes out. I put my arms around me, hugging myself.

   This is ridiculous. He tells me to stay away, but keeps coming back and tears down the wall I've built around myself. Everytime I start to accept that he doesn't want to be with me, he's right there, making me question everything again. I hear him sigh and I look up as he walks over to the window again.

    "Don't you dare leave without an explanation." I sob and he looks back at me. Our gazes meet. Niall looks hurt and I think I see tears sparkle in the corner of his eye. "Why are you here?" I ask again, wiping away my tears. It's quiet for a while, we just look at each other. Then, he looks away.

    "I'm moving to London after graduation." Niall looks at me again, the tears now clearly visible on his cheeks. "I already have an apartment." He awkwardly brushes his hand over his cheeks.