Cruel Destiny | Kylo Ren

The Spy

I abruptly wake from my slumber, my heart beating fast as if sleeping had become a dangerous sport where inside, I can never beat the harsh dreams.

A light sweat glistens along my skin whilst there is a soft buzzing in my brain, and together they remind me of the conflicting universe I now live between. My brain is as a flat battery, the exertions of the previous night being a marathon of erratic problem-solving.

My heart feels as if I should be relieved, for now it knows Kylo Ren wants to be the reason it beats for, but it isn't relieved, for he and I still know that could never happen beneath the First Order's watchful eye.

My job is to give the First Order a child with Kylo Ren, not fall for him—and from the way he had retreated himself back into his quarters and I into my own, for the rest of the night: I think we both subconsciously agreed we would try to fight the magnetic pull between us.

Though, it feels better to now know we were both in it together rather than alone.

I give myself a moment to shed the sleep from my brain, still somewhat expecting the sun's harsh rays to blind me, forgetting momentarily there is no sunshine in outer-space. I wished for nothing more than to feel solid ground of dirt and grass beneath my feet, to feel an authentic breeze against my skin—but as everyday passes, I adjust slightly to the empty void outside my window and I let it be my new home with the subtleness of a violent star.

I had slept in, hard, as dinner was about to start—but I still don't make an effort to move off the edge of my bed. My mind was a swirling mess of recollections that I explore over-and-over on a whim to make things feel more fixed and real; but they never do.

I can still somewhat smell the burnt flesh upon his face. I can still feel Kylo's soft lips against my own, and my stomach leaps and my heart beats erratically as I raise a gentle finger to my own lips—it would've been the perfect kiss, if only it was wanted at the time.

Suddenly, my stomach churns when Five flashes in my mind. He wants nothing more than for me to keep my distance from Kylo, but here I am remembering the way my heart nearly bled into his own from the close proximity of our chests.

If only Five knew that I truely couldn't keep my distance, for Five's life was depending on me giving Kylo Ren a child. But how am I supposed to do that whilst also trying to keeping my distance, in attempts to not endure these overwhelming feelings that begin to grow for Kylo Ren?

The hardest part was finding the courage to walk away from the path that Kylo and I both try to ignore—following our heart's desires would only lead to devastation. Refusing to be pulled into this binding was for the bravery of our hearts, mine for the best of Five and Ren's for the best of the First Order.

With a true desire to make the universe better for us: we had to be reminded that heartache and intelligence aren't the same thing. Saving Five's life meant changing the way I approach so many things, hard to do intellectually but easy to do if I follow my heart; whilst simultaneously keeping these feelings hidden from the First Order.

Knowing now what they could do with one of my weaknesses, what would they do with the knowledge that Kylo Ren could become another?

There's an inner storm wrecking my soul from within and calming it was the key to fixing this colossal mess. Change is always a leap of faith and it takes an iron will combined with a heart of pure love to do it... but it seems I can't have either, so I must just let destiny guide me—and I hope that it ends with everyone alive and unharmed... forget my heartbreak in the meantime.

I eventually get a move on and prepare for the rest of this somewhat wasted day. If I hurry, I can make it to the Dining Hall just in time to get some food and a good spot before it gets busy. Maybe even see Arion.